3 yo tantrums making me lose it

[brookshelley]

DD 3 years old is extremely defiant and her tantrums push us to our limits. She screams at maximum volume if the doesn’t get her way. She hits us, bites us, and throws things. She wakes up multiple times at night and if we don’t put her back to her bed in exactly the right way she screams, waking DD2 1 year old and wreaking havoc.

I feel resentful that she is so difficult and that it’s negatively affecting DD2. I’m exhausted and emotionally drained.

The issue is she is an angel at nursery and her other activities, so it’s not a development issue. Doctors have not observed any signs of special need. But once we are at home she releases Mr Hyde on the family.

Older relatives keep saying she’ll grow out of it but she’s been the same since she was born, always prone to screaming and tantrums and bad sleep. I feel like I am looking at 15 years of bad behaviour and fear she will be an out of control teenager. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I don’t know how to keep it together anymore, I’ve been crying all morning over her actions and I can’t get over it.

Anyone been here before?

Do you give in, let her get her way when you are worn out?

No I never give in but then she screams and attacks us for 20-30 min.

Reward charts have failed. Punishments have failed. If we put her in the naughty corner she pees herself on purpose.

So sorry, this sounds awful. Does she show any signs of autism?

No I never give in but then she screams and attacks us for 20-30 min

Then what happens? Why is this the cut off? Is it because you do actually give in to demands after this point?

Why We’ve done an autism screen - negative. She’s highly verbal and social and well behaved at nursery.

Userplusnumbers she burns out after tantruming for 20-30 min, that’s the only reason for that time limit.

I think you need to just keep doing what you are doing, hopefully it’ll become easier over time. You are doing all the right things. Yes you need help and continue to ask your gp, but this will take time

I hear your pain. I also have a child who can be hard and tantrum at home, but not at school/childcare.

It helps to remind myself that she is sometimes releasing emotion at home that she has pent up from elsewhere. This is a good thing, she feels safe to release at home. This reminds me I am doing a good enough job.

Although it is partly temperamental, there is an element that is developmental. It will not be exactly like this for 15 years. Those thoughts in you are "catastrophic thinking", which mostly indicates how hard you are finding it.

For new ways of thinking/approaching it, including some info on the developmental aspects, try Sarah Ockwell-smith (gentle parenting). There are books, a website, a Facebook group. Also Dan Siegel "The whole brain child". Both good on teaching emotional regulation, plus relationship/attachment and how this is important in discipline. It will be a different set of strategies to the time out/reward chart stuff. Wetting herself makes me think that the naughty step might be very anxiety provoking for her and the "connection first" strategies might help.

Please also see what Sarah O-S would say about looking after yourself too. Nurture yourself both because you deserve it, and in order to work with her better. This parenting lark is hard work.

Starface thank you this is so helpful, I will look these things up. I do feel I’m burning out - work, two children and one who is so demanding. You’re right I am catastrophising

Hi OP I could have written this post myself about my 3yr old who to be honest is wearing me out emotionally and physically like your LO she bits and lashes out when she’s having a tantrum but it’s normally her older sister that gets the brunt of it all! No helpful advice but watching with interest and to say you are not on your own!

But what triggers the tantrums? My DS tantrums when hungry and/or tired.

If she is not sleeping through and sleep has been as bad as you say for that long, then surely she is just totally overtired and sleep deprived by this point in time? So she is not going to be able to self regulate.

First step must be to de escalate the entire situation.

I'd be talking to nursery to get detail on the routines they follow. Try to match as closely as possible.

You have another child to care for so you will need help to invest more into the older one. She really needs your love now, not more discipline.

What I'm trying to say is you are all locked into a negative cycle, it must be broken and a new positive one established.

A child as you have described is not having a tantrum, but in extreme distress. She needs love and affection, safe routines, eye contact, she needs to be listened to, cuddles, quality time.

Rednaxela I think she’s highly sensitive and is in need of more. Problem is with a job and another child I don’t have much more to give.

As far as sleep, she has a set routine and goes to bed easily. It’s the night wakings accompanied by screaming and tantrums at 2 AM that are the problem. She also wakes up early and ignores the Gro Clock which is set for 6:30. I’m sure she’s exhausted but I have no idea how to fix it. And I’m not my best in the middle of the night so I don’t have full mental resources to handle the behaviour.

Co-sleep when she wakes up, DH sleeps in spare bed, try temporarily for a week or two?

No on cosleeping. Even as an infant she has always hated it. She will climb into our bed and then toss and turn awake for hours.

As you can see she really doesn’t make it easy for us.

Not sure on the cure but my DB had terrible tantrums and his daughter has them too. The most important thing is to stay calm yourself. It did get better with age although DB still slips up, as an adult he won't start screaming but he might lose it for a second and say an expletive and then walk away to calm down.

I don't have a cure for you, but it can be very hard. I'm not sure that repeated tantrums are naughty behaviour, in my family it comes from a difficulty to self regulate emotions. They don't do it to just get their way, they just lose their temperover stuff.

Paediatrician, in case there's a medical issue affecting her sleep (if you're thinking her poor behaviour during the day is related to her sleep)?

DS2 was virtually identical, he improved vastly once he started school.
He is a child who needs to be busy all the time and I found that hard with him being one of four.
Positivity and lots of praise and attention did help. It's easy to just focus on the negatives.
I used to have to force myself to think of him as being a newborn baby when he was screaming and crying, he needed something and didn't know how to express it.

Three year olds are arseholes. They’ve got capacity without capability and it’s a hideous mix, a bit like teenagers really.

School does seem to straighten them out.

No advice here, just sympathy. My 3 year old can be completely uncontrollable some days, unfortunately that's just the way it goes some times. Ride it out.

explodingkitten DH definitely sees some of himself in her outbursts, he struggles with being very sensitive and emotional.

TigerQuoll I think sleep is a big factor. When she does sleep well at night and the rare occasion she gets a nap, she is like a different child. But it's a huge battle to get there. I've even worked with a sleep trainer and no improvement. I'm almost thinking I have to get some Supernanny type to spend the night and do it for me as I'm just too tired now.

Notso my DD is the same, she needs to be active or else she gets easily bored. With 4 it must be a challenge! I feel so torn between my two, that DD1 dominates so much with her tantrums I feel I ignore DD2 who is so easygoing.