Feeling overwhelmed

[Daydreaminholiday]

Hi there

I’m a parent of two who are 3 and 1. My partner is out a lot and works long hours. I work part time and have quite a hectic job and also have other commitments. I am doing the lion share of housework, we barely do any together or family stuff and I’m struggling. My kids miss their dad, they see I’m at the end of my tether, even though they are young, and I’m feeling so guilty. When I have gone to gym partner makes comments about how long I was away. I don’t really go out apart from that and I’m trying to lose weight and keep healthy! Yet he’s out lots. I’ve tried to talk to him and it descents into arguments and I’ve also said can we get counselling but he then Says why, so you can tell me how awful I am?

Part of me wonders if things would be better for us if we were apart and then our kids wouldn’t be party to this and we’d have time when we didn’t have kids. It would break my heart but I’m honestly done. I dont know what to do next. He thinks I’m depressed which I’m not, I’m just completely at the end of what I can put up with. It doesn’t help my oldest child won’t eat or sleep and I’m shattered

Any words of advice or help?

Could you not formalize the free time you each get? I.E. pre-agree times you'll each have to yourself.For example, you get 2hours per week for the gym and he gets 2hours per week at the pub? If it works out he'll get more hours for his free time stuff, let it be. If it's pre-agreed, it'll be plain to see how disproportionate things are and he won't be able to moan how long you've been at the gym if he knows you have the agreed 2hours. Also pre-agree family time, whether it's 1hour a day or a day per week/month.
It just seems like you're both exhausted- him working long hours then coming home to hectic family life and you having to care for two toddlers and do the housework with a pt job. Is there any way you could get some help with either housework or childcare? Maybe a 1 day a week cleaner? Or do you have friends/family nearby who could watch the kids?

Thanks so much- yeah we totally need to sort out the time we both get as we are both burnt out. Family all work and dont help at all and friends all have their own young kids and are too busy