Advice desperately needed - Mum to 14 month old twins

[KellyW88]

I’ve got the essentials down, but as they grow I just feel like I’m not doing enough to stimulate them in the right way!

My DS is going through a major clingy phase and every time I have DD he will cry incessantly - even if he doesn’t need anything in particular he just wants Mummy, which is eating away at the time I get to focus on DD.

The only thing that seems to distract him is the TV and it’s galling how many times I’ve had to sit him in his play area with a Little Baby Bum video or Baby Einstein video on YouTube so I can focus on my DD for a bit :( I just feel like I’m failing both of them sometimes...

I try to focus on the good, HV has said all along how well they’re developing - they were born 2 months premature and very low birthweight (less than 1kg each) so the fact that, at 14 months, DS is standing and travelling in the cot using the bars and DD has already surpassed expectations on her vocabulary I know I should take pride, but our living situation makes it hard, I’m currently sleeping on the sofa with their double cot in the living room of our tiny 1-Bed flat and have been seeking help a new home since before they were born, but these things take time.

DH helps everywhere he can when not at work (I’m a SAHM) but I have to admit he’s a fan of the easiest option to quell their tantrums which isn’t the best thing for their growth/development.

My mum tries to help as well, she’s taken one twin for a few hours here or there so I can have time with the other and has also managed to take both on two occasions just to get me some rest.

Any suggestions? Am I maybe obsessing a bit too much over the general advice about healthy/‘good’ parenting (that is given in spades with often little consideration for a persons reality).

I think it’s been harder for the past few weeks as we had a heavy bout of teething followed by nasty colds that has thrown a lot of routine out of the window. Most nights I’m not getting to bed until gone midnight after having to coax DS to sleep by cuddling (which I know will bite me in the behind in the months to come) but have little alternative as I don’t have room to separate DS and DD into individual cots, DD has the cold worse than DS so when she’s managed to get to sleep I will try everything I can to keep DS quiet and calm until he eventually goes to sleep as well :/

Anything that you think could help would be most appreciated!

Do you go to play groups or stay and play sessions at your local children’s centres? Good for the kids as they learn new things and good for you as you get out for a bit and can talk to other mums. The workers there might even help you with one twin if they can see you have your hands full.

Your dh needs to take both babies one morning to give you time off.

If space is limited then at home play music lots - good for the brain.

The sleeping will get better when you move house. In the meantime do whatever works. Sleep at night is often linked to the day so make sure they are only napping once during the day and not too late - an early lunch then bed by 1

12 if you can

OP, as a fellow twin mum I'm not sure what you think you aren't managing.
It is true that individual time you can spend with twins is less than singletons but there are other compensations, they get to have a constant companion.
You sound like you are doing a great job, all be it with limited sleep due to illness.

Twin mum here too, telling you that you are doing just fine.

It's fucking hard work. Really hard in a way your other mum mates won't get.

Are these your first babies? Most people find the shock of going from no kids to one really hard and twins (as you have no doubt noticed) is more than twice as hard as one.

So yes, get out if you can, but don't beat yourself up. Take any help when it is offered and rest as and when you can.

One tip on accepting help another twin mum told me that I took is whenever anyone offers help say 'that's great, when?'. People offer help but don't really know what to do and you (or people often) don't like to chase up and ask, so nail people to something specific.

YOU GOT THIS

Thank you so much already for each reply.

I do find it difficult to get out to mum and baby groups as managing to get the twins out and about without a massive landslide effect on the rest of their day (usually negative lol) is a rarity - plus we have an abusive/drunk neighbour who has taken to harassing us whenever he sees us and whilst this matter is with the police/local council, his eviction hearing at court isn’t until next February so there’s little I can do other than keep reporting any incidents. So going out on my own with them can be risky in case he’s knocking about (which he often is). He’s already badmouthed my twins.

DH does sometimes take them in the mornings at the weekends to let me catch up with sleep or other bits but I have to admit it would be nice if he could do this a bit more!

@moofolk - thank you! I think the major issue I have is I know no other parents of twins and you’re right, as brilliant as they are my friends who are parents of singletons don’t seem to understand - and I’m not trying to be condescending but most of them are perfectly supportive until I have to explain that I can’t meet them and their children (all a similar age) at an arrangement because getting out seems to be a once in a blue moon affair when there’s nobody else with them but me. Then they think I’m making myself into a martyr... :(

You have my upmost respect for being a mum of twins.
I have just one baby and I am exhausted!

I think sometimes we over think how much our babies need from us. I worry sometimes that my DS hasn’t had enough stimulation, sometimes we don’t leave the house for a few days, but really he’s fed and watered, warm and dry and developing just fine.

It sounds like your twins are doing just great. Take the support to get rest when you can and a bit of tv for the LO’s does no harm!

PS yes my lovely twins are also my first children - so straight into the deep end :’)

My friend joined a group for parents of twins for moral support. Maybe there's something you could join on Facebook?

Sometimes you need to ask / be a bit blunt when asking for help.

We have friends with little babies and I have an older teen dd who just loves looking after babies, but there is a LOT of us all being terribly British and polite with the parents 'not wanting to impose' on my dd's time, and my dd worrying that it is rude to invite herself round (when she would really, really love to, and is an excellent 'mother's help' when given the chance.).

Same with your friends inviting you. Explain to them you are exhausted and would love to see them, but find it a bit overwhelming just getting out (explain about your neighbour). Say - "I'd love to come but would need to you come to the house for 10mins first to just help me get everything sorted, then walk out the door with me for it to be a reality for me"

Other thoughts are finding out if you have Homestart in your area and seeing if they have anyone avaialbel to help
Looking up your local Childrens Centre to see what they have going on.
Asking your HV - they often know of very localised groups that might support you.

It is incredibly hard work looking after 1 x 14m old full time. I take my hat off to anyone that looks after 2. It sounds like you are doing just grand, to me.

Mine are 7, but I remember how hard it was when they were little. You sound like you're doing a great job. Don't fret about a bit of telly if it helps.