DS doesn't want me to go out

[forbiddenfruitcrumble]

DS, 9, has developed an intense fear of me or DH going out. He gets very upset and tries to physically stop me from leaving. I have talked to him calmly and tried to reason with him, but to no avail. We are away on holiday with friends at the moment and his behaviour is more extreme. If I try to leave (even leaving him behind with DH, other children, toys) he will hang on to me and try to get me to return. I have also tried bribery - doesn't work.

If I am set on leaving, he will put on his shoes and come with me (I do obviously offer to bring him with me, but he doesn't want to, he wants me to stay). He seems genuinely upset.

He says it because his cat got run over (six month's ago) and he has not been happy or relaxed since. This doesn't seem true, as he has been riotously happy on many occasions since, we laugh together a lot as a family and gets to do pretty good stuff. He is unhappy at school (another story).

This has happened on and off since he was around 5 - he has fretted or asked questions before I go out, i.e. are you going to cross the road, how far, when will you be back. He hadn't done it for a while though, and now it's back with a vengeance.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of this sort of worrying in a child his age. I am going to get him someone to talk to in the new year.

No experience to draw on but would recommend a visit to see GP for a referral for counselling or to signpost you in the right direction.

What are the issues in school?

This is a form of anxiety. Go see your GP. Don't fret, with some basic techniques you can all get a handle on this. Anxiety is a perfectly normal part of life, but your son has got to a point where his ability to rationalise worries is a bit out of balance.

If you do go out, what is he like while you're out?

Thank you so much for your responses.

In answer to your questions, heratnumber, at home if he gets upset he is ok when I am gone, but might call me if i am gone longer than half an hour. But here I don't know because I haven't managed to go anywhere without him!

He had play therapy at school but I think a talking therapy will work better - he's quite articulate about his feelings.

He was a very happy little boy who loved school and had lots of close friends until six months ago when we had to move house, 90 mins drive away because he had to go to a specialist dyslexia school. He hasn't made friends there (despite never having had a problem making friends).

My DD was having intrusive thoughts, OCD type behaviours (hand washing etc) and was referred to CAHMS (similar age as your child) which was very helpful. She's 11 now and still has the odd moment but has good strategies for dealing with it. I also read a few books, one which was really useful was called something like 'helping your anxious child'

He was a very happy little boy who loved school and had lots of close friends until six months ago when we had to move house, 90 mins drive away because he had to go to a specialist dyslexia school. He hasn't made friends there (despite never having had a problem making friends).

That would be more than enough to bring this behaviour on with a vengeance. You moved house, area and school and he hasn't settled - you and his dad are his only stability. With a history of some anxiousness, ripping apart everything else familiar to him except his family unit has probably left him feeling very insecure.

A lot of children handle moves like this very well, your ds isn't one of them.

I agree the move was very hard on him. He has had play therapy to help him deal with this but despite having high hopes (the therapist was lovely), it doesn't seem to have been right for him. I think a more talking therapy may work in the new year.

The move was unpopular with all of us but it was absolutely necessary, - the ed psych said it was his best option as his dyslexia is so severe.
The new school is very small and nurturing and they are really looking after him. He is happy with the progress he is now making and the teachers say he is starting to seem happier in class. Unfortunately the classes are very small and he just doesn't have a friend to bond with.

Meanwhile we are driving him to and from school together and back to old town many weekends so he can see his old friends.

Is he sporty? Likes drama? Perhaps you could widen his potential frendship pool with extracurricular activities. Small schools can be so hard for children if they don't find a friend to click with.

Could he join Cubs or take up some other after school activity that might a) introduce him to other children, and b) boost his confidence?

forbiddenfruitcrumble - I don't doubt you did the right thing in terms of his education, it's just really sad and very unfortunate that he hasn't settled in terms of friendships.

I hope the therapy in the New Year helps (from experience of 2 dc having extensive therapy, a therapist can be lovely and still not be the right fit - finding the right blend of therapy type and therapist is a bit like a jigsaw puzzle).

Thanks Andro, it has been pretty heartbreaking, picking up such a glum child, but he is making brilliant progress at his new school, he tries so hard. I'm hoping he will make a friend soon, children join all the time.

One of the main problems is that all the kids are football obsessed and DS hates football. He's not very sporty and will only do things if one of his friends is going with him.

My ds took about a year to settle into his new school. It was very difficult for him and has had an effect on his confidence. He’s clingy, needs warning to things like me going out. But what works best is just being firm and not long waffly explanations - this seems to make him think he’s got a chance of changing my mind. I also have to get dh to very strongly take over and distract if necessary.

I also signed ds up to classes out of school so he could make new friends. This helped a lot. We did cubs, drama and swimming.

Have you maintained ties with his old friends?

Oh, that is hard. Being the only one who doesn't like football.

DS1 didn't really want to play but I signed him up anyway. He enjoys it, at times loves it, but will never be brilliant at it. BUT... it has really helped him with friendships at school.

DS2 has played also, but I've finally given up and pulled him out of the team. But he's lucky that a few of the boys at school aren't football mad.

It's one of those things I'm afraid. A drama group might be the thing, they form great friendship groups there, and the ones that include dancing will really keep him fit.