Control freak 10 yr old

[maximus2018]

My daughter is 10 and a half but has seems to have the weight of the world on her shoulders. She always has to control every situation and if she can’t then she goes on and on and ruins it for everyone else. She is extremely jealous of her step sister who is 8 and a completely different character, very carefree and in the moment rather than a worrier and planner like my daughter. I suspect that my daughter wishes she could be like this, but is very unkind to her and talks negatively about any of her step sister’s thoughts or achievements. It is very unfair on my step daughter and obviously causes some friction between my husband and I. I love my daughter more than anything and have probably indulged her behaviour for too long, but I know that I need to try and help her not to be such a controlling and sad person as I worry that her behaviour will only get worse as puberty kicks in. She has some OCD behaviours that she can’t help but we need to find a way to manange these so that they don’t impact on everyone around her as much as they currently do. Any help would be much appreciated

CAMHS perhaps? I doubt she wants to be so anxious. Perhaps it would help for her to talk to someone about how she’s feeling and talking through coping strategies. OCD is a very real mental health issue but can totally be managed.

In the meantime, I absolutely would not tolerate for one second any mean spirited behaviour towards the other child.

I think the two issues are separate.

The anxiety and need for control isn’t something she can help, so seeing if she can get some support and coping strategies to help her feel happier and cope with life is a really good idea.

The nastiness towards your DSD is something she can help, and you need to stamp it out, fast. If my son was being bullied by step siblings, I wouldn’t send him.

She is having some CBT for her anxiety issues although she is not engaging as much with this as I’d hoped, again I think she’s sees this as a loss of that control she seems to need?!

She does get reprimanded and punished for her behaviour towards step sister but never seems to learn from it, it’s like a compulsion to make a negative comment/reaction. Any other advice on how to address it would be welcome as I am at my wits end and nothing else has worked up to now!

How do you address it at the moment?
Has she spoken to anyone along side the CBT who may help her understand why she needs to control everything?

Yes sounds anxiety related, have you researched bePDA profile? I have a daughter with ASD... possible PDA and she constantly tries to control her younger sister. We haven't found anything that works but divide and conquer, so we try to do lots of desperate activities.

It does sound difficult and worrying with the controlling behaviour but with the thing about your stepdaughter, I can see even full siblings can be unreasonable and jealous towards each other. I know a pair of lovely children, the 13 year old DD is a wonderful girl and has brains, looks, sporting and artistic ability and is a really mature and thoughtful young lady, apart from she can’t let her 11 year old brother have any triumphs without sniping and trying to undermine him a bit.

I think I would try to still have lots of one to one special time with just your daughter to maintain your special bond even in your wider blended family (you probably do this anyway) plus does she have any hobby that she does well and this can be her special thing that sets her apart from her stepsister, her thing?

Good luck, it’s great you are trying to help her with this now and hopefully as she gets older she will learn to let some stuff go a little.

Thank you for your replies, it means a lot to know that I’m not the only one trying to navigate through this!