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Parenting

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Original poster

I'm the worst mum ever and feeling guilty and awful

20 replies

Mrshrb1988 · 23/12/2018 20:59

I'm a mum of three and my little boy (4.1/2) is at times challenging he's really pushed my buttons the last two weeks with bedtime.
I'm worn down when I tell him to go to bed it can be a fight for up to two or three hours with him screaming and crying - throwing things in his room, telling me and dad he hates us and to get out of his room and were horrible, standing on his cabin bed and hitting his lamp shade. Throwing all his duvet and toys and pillows ect on the floor. Shouting so loudly his two sisters also can't sleep. I've tried everything (well that's how it feels) and tonight I lost my temper. I shouted at him and told him if he hates us that much and we were that horrible and if he wouldn't go to bed and let his sister's sleep then he would have to go to his momah (grandmother's) overnight. He got really upset and said he was sorry and we had a cuddle and a kiss and i told him how much I loved him that I was sorry for loosing my temper but that I was frazzled with his behaviour at bedtime. I feel so bad for telling him he had to go and stay at his grandmother house. I feel like I must be the worst mum in the whole world and do I even deserve my children sorry for the rant just I try so hard and love them so much and let them and me down so badly I. This instance

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Pibplob · 23/12/2018 21:02

We’ve all been there. I’ve told my 5 year old if she hates us that much she is welcome to go and get a new mummy. Felt awful afterwards but we are all human.

Rainatnight · 23/12/2018 21:03

His behaviour is awful, it would take a saint not to lose their rag with that carry-on.

Don't beat yourself up.

Original poster

Mrshrb1988 · 23/12/2018 21:04

Thank you so much I truly thought I must be the only person. I thought if anyone ever knows they will this k your awful and don't deserve the kids. Thank you for making me feel not quite so terrible x

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Jackshouse · 23/12/2018 21:06

I told my toddler that I was going to ring Granny when she was an hour into the most horrific tantrum.

We all have a snapping point. I apologised and it did change her from tantrum to just crying. Maybe this is the point where you seek help from the health visitor and/or nursery.

ABitCrapper · 23/12/2018 21:07

The parent child bond can survive the odd bit of crapness aa long as you apologise, make up, and repair the bond damage.

In other wise, it's fine, we've all been there.

Original poster

Mrshrb1988 · 23/12/2018 21:07

Thank you rainatnight just recently his behaviour has taken a turn for the worst at night time. There doesn't appear to be a reason he just has these months and then we have months where he behaves at night again but there exhausting thank you for making me feel a little better and like I'm not such an awful mother

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DBN1 · 23/12/2018 21:07

I'd have lost it too but can I ask - why is going to his nan's such an awful prospect? Is he scared of her?

3boysandabump · 23/12/2018 21:09

We've all lost our rag and said something like that in the heat of the moment.

I thing any of my kids would have just packed their bags at the prospect of staying at granny's house anyway 😂

junebirthdaygirl · 23/12/2018 21:13

Looking at his age has he just started school? That kind of change could upset his routine.
Be firm, putting him back into bed without saying much except ..its bedtime now. And leave.
I wouldn't beat myself up as none of us do the proper, perfect thing all the time.

Igottastartthinkingbee · 23/12/2018 21:18

You’re not a bad mum, you apologised, said you loved him and then explained why you lost your shit at him. Kids need that sometimes!!! They need to know you have a breaking point because his behaviour is not acceptable. I’m also having intermittent nightmarish issues with my 4 year old so I feel your pain and I’m glad it’s not just me iykwim. Why did no one tell us 4 yr olds were going to be a pain in the ass??!!

megletthesecond · 23/12/2018 21:21

Been there. Done that. You're a human being, not Mary Poppins. He'll be fine and has hopefully learnt a lesson.

Singlenotsingle · 23/12/2018 21:22

My dgs would think that was a reward, and go off to find his trunki. Why is it such a horrific prospect to think he'll go to Granny's?

Original poster

Mrshrb1988 · 23/12/2018 21:25

Lol yes they certainly can be a bit of a pain can't they - he was at school but because of his emotional immaturity the school have said they want to try him in the summer term as they don't feel he's ready for school - his temper is very bad and we are seeing the healthy families team for help with this at the moment. My mum is lovely and they get on with her but she's a definite matriarch and no one messes with her and she said to him once if you don't behave you'll have to come and stay with me and I think it just slipped out - I also know how close he and I are and I think a small horrid part of me thought this will shock him into stopping.

Yes I will go back to the whole putting back to bed thing but it's the whole screaming and shouting and how long it can go on for its exhausting. I just don't feel I'm getting anywhere with him 😔

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C0untDucku1a · 23/12/2018 21:27

Are you in england op?

ABitCrapper · 23/12/2018 21:34

We had something like this with my eldest. It turned out she was scared of going to sleep because she kept having bad dreams.
So we let her stay up on the sofa while we did boring jobs - I've never before mended so many clothes in my life! - TV off, no chatting, bit of chill out music, low lighting etc.
Anyway she would drop off fairly quickly like this after the first few nights when the novelty of staying up wore off. And she transferred well.
So, we did this for a few weeks and then she started asking to go to bed until she was back to normal bedtime, story, cuddle etc.

Is it worth trying something like this? It's a bit of a pain losing your evenings for a few weeks, but long term it might work?

Original poster

Mrshrb1988 · 23/12/2018 23:56

Hi the evening thing might work he wants to watch DVDs and this is how it started because I said no and it was bedtime! Yes I'm in England and I will talk to husband and see how he feels about this he does have nightmare and will come and get in bed in middle of night on average once a week. I just think at the moment it's a case of he wants his own way combined with his emotional Immaturity which is the reason his temper is so bad ☹️

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Seniorschoolmum · 24/12/2018 00:08

Op, my ds tells me he hates me, and calls me names. And he’s 10! I’m a regular Cruella deVille.

We’ve most of us lost it at some point. If you didn’t love them so much, you wouldn’t be bothered. It absolutely does not make you a bad mum. Or if it does, then you have a lot of company.

Mustangwally · 24/12/2018 10:40

You poor thing. Please don't beat yourself up, you were pushed to the end of your tether and you just needed to say something to make it all stop. You must be stressed, exhausted and long for a peaceful evening.

Sounds like there might be a bit of separation anxiety at bedtime, he seems to be doing all he can to continue interacting with you so he's not on his own. He's no doubt wearing himself out along with everyone else in the house that's why he's getting emotional and trying to punish you with words.

My daughter has a thing about there being a fire at the moment and does all she can to keep us going back to her room again and again and we are at our wits end at times too. We've had to call grandma in to do a bedtime or two just to give us a break and unsurprisingly grandma gets none of the nonsense.

I got my daughter a baby bunny toy that she has to "look after" at night time too and so far she seems to be distracted from her own anxiety and concentrates on reassuring the bunny. We've also started a reward chart for good bedtimes. Be firm and don't tolerate bad behaviour but understand he may just be an anxious little boy.

Original poster

Mrshrb1988 · 24/12/2018 20:58

Thank you all for being so lovely and supportive It has really helped and so far tonight (obs cos it's Xmas Eve) hes been an angel just so overwhelmed by how supportivr and kind you have all been thank you so much

Happy Christmas to all x

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SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 24/12/2018 21:05

If it helps, I once read something which offered me great comfort: children need to learn to recognise the incipient stages of someone losing their shit. You're giving him a life lesson! Topsy & Tim's mum isn't a role model, she's a mental. We're all human and as long as you make it clear you love your child/ren no matter what, I think they can handle a little crapness along the way. It means they'll be less scared of making mistakes too.

Happy Christmas to you

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