Help dealing with threenager

[Lou573]

So after yet another day where I feel like my poor three year old has just spent the entire day getting told off and gone to bed with cross words, i’m looking for any tips on how to turn it around and parent her a bit more positively. At the moment it’s no fun for either of us and spoiling all the lovely Christmas activities we have planned.

She’s pushing boundaries left right and centre, incredibly stubborn and defiant and has been behaving awfully, but how I’m dealing with it currently isn’t working - what methods of discipline have worked for you with a 3 year old? I have ended up shouting at least daily which I hate, and I’m exhausted.

I realise that this time of year it’s all a bit over exciting, and she’s overtired, but she downright refuses to nap and her behaviour has been too awful to let it slide. It’s nothing absolutely terrible, she’s not violent and biting us etc, and is generally loving and full of humour, but at the moment it is just constant defiance over absolutely everything, throwing toys, shouting at us, refusing to cooperate with anything.

Any words of wisdom appreciated!

Santa is watching and every time you go on like that he takes a present off your pile!!
Dgs is on the naughty list - he is trying to be good bless him!
Ds 4 is bloody shattered and only goes to nursery 15 hrs!!
Roll on Jan!!

Very clear boundaries and don't make a threat you aren't prepared to follow through with. Once they realise that you are in charge and always mean what you say it makes life so much easier even if you have some moments in the meantime where you feel like you are being super mean.

By the same token if you say you will do something with her 'later' stick to it even if by later she has forgotten you promised.

Clear routines (hard over Christmas I know), get out of the house daily for some fresh air and exercise, involve her in household chores and make her feel useful and valued and when you are with her give her your full attention and put your phone away.

Lots of cuddles and positive reinforcement and try and stay one step ahead so that you can pre empt any potential flash points. Once you have said something you absolutely have to stick to it so if it's not essential (eg. Mild enough not to wear a coat) then don't say 'put your coat on' and then go back on it when she kicks off about putting one on.

A bit of reverse psychology never goes a miss either eg. saying loudly to your DH 'I'm not sure DD is old enough to eat these carrots'

It can be a really testing phase so another good tip is to pretend there is a hidden camera on your house. It can help you try the jolly Joyce Grenfell approach before you shout. But there is also a place for shouting and throwing toys etc. would be it for me.

Putting in the groundwork with behaviour expectations when they are young is hard hard work but pays dividends later. My DC are all school aged now and genuinely good company and rarely need 'telling off'.

Thanks for the thorough response Avebury. I do feel like we set clear expectations and I don’t make threats that I’m not prepared to follow through on, but absolutely everything, from teeth brushing to sitting at the table, is becoming a battle, even though she’s always been expected to do it. She doesn’t get let off when I’ve requested she do something, but I’m spending far too much of the day trying to win these battles.

I think a large part of the problem is that she’s realised there’s not really any real consequences that she cares about. I do take a toy away, send her to another room etc, but she’s over that in about 30 seconds. What consequences have an impact with most three year olds?

We have exactly the same. Dd says No as a first response to everything.

Very trying.

We are making sure we focus on the positive behaviour. "I love it when you play nicely with your sister" etc. Distraction. Trying not to get into a battle of wills. Explaining why we are doing things and when. Offering limited choices - do you want a or b for lunch. Everything is a competition or a race and she always wants to win. We have races to get into jammies, brush teeth etc.

Santa is always watching. I can talk to him - "yes Santa, I know she's shouting again. No don't take away a present yet. She'll stop shouting now."

Giving her a chance to calm down. Take a drink. Deep breath. Are you tired?

Always always following through with threats or punishments. No matter how much she tantrums.

Make sure your partner supports this. My DH likes to give in for an easy life and it makes things much worse.

I read once that if it's 70% positive and fun and 30% shouting and punishment then it's a good day.

Love the idea of pretending there's a hidden camera. It's too easy to get caught up in a cycle of arguing.

As a mum of 8 (eldest 17 and youngest 2) I say RELAX!!! Pick your battles very carefully, remember she is very young and you’ll soon be wondering where these years went...don’t spend them arguing, stressing and trying to get your child to sit on a “naughty step”!! If certain things like going to the shops are guaranteed to be very stressful don’t go with her if at all possible. None of mine napped at 3 so I wouldn’t stress about that either...particularly if getting her to take one is as stressful as her not having one! 3 yr olds like to control their lives...give her as much control (choices) as you can. Choices are much better than Mummy says and then a tantrum! Good luck...the teenage years await! 😀

And I wish I’d had my own advice with my eldest 3!! I look back on the things that stressed me out with them and the things I lost my cool over and think that I wasted energy on stuff that didn’t matter!! Enjoy your children - they grow up all to quickly! I can’t believe I’ll have one going to university next September!!