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Parenting

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Original poster

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41 replies

CMcallen · 22/12/2018 11:41

Hi Guys,

I’m at my wits end. My Husband has a 9 year old Daughter with his ex (never married) and they broke up 6 years ago after she moved another man in to his house while he was away on a course.

We have been to court for a child arrangement order (2016) which she constantly breaches, we are therefore going back to court in the new year yet again at our cost.

Over the last month his ex has blocked all contact. She has also contacted the CSA and told them the court order states he can take his Daughter to another city which is not the case. The CSA looked at the order and agreed there should be no changes in payments.

He is due to have his Daughter this Christmas. He finally got to speak with her last night and she told him she doesn’t want to see him anymore ss he has anger issues! He is the most laid back guy you have ever met!

He is absolutely gutted as you can imagine. Is there anyway Cafcass will get before this gets to court? Or maybe contact the CSA? I don’t know what to do anymore. Help!

OP posts:

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 12:50

Ffs stepparents can’t win on here. You clearly have some kind of agenda, fair enough, what makes you think you’ve got the right to project your anger on to someone else?

The fact is that stepparents are expected to pick up the slack, deal with whatever gets chucked at them, have their lives disrupted on a whim yet when they dare to say it’s tough there’s always a poster ready to have a pop.

Parents aren’t always decent, stepparents aren’t always arseholes. Just because that’s your opinion, doesn’t mean it applies to every situation.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 23/12/2018 12:51

Sorry that was to Fabaunt

Hissy · 23/12/2018 13:02

I think it is a good idea that the clothes may be best taken back, and the offer to take her shopping given in its place. Make an experience out of it.

Yanbu- good luck with the courts

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9 year olds Family law General parenting Relationship problems

IloveBaileysCheesecake · 23/12/2018 13:29

Can all those tempted to trot out the “it’s not your business” just all fuck off? It’s not helpful, it’s not actually accurate and it’s inappropriate.

Nope, it's an open forum and anyone is free to post on it. Contact is between parents and children imo anyone else that comes along shouldn't be trying to interfere in that contact. I note there was a lot of "we" in the OP's posts. We have been to court for a child arrangement order. I very much doubt the OP went to court for contact of a child that's not hers. The child has told her father she doesn't wish to see him he should be asking himself why and trying to solve that issue. I know if it was my DH I'd be supporting him and taking presents back certainly wouldn't be my first thought. I'm a step parent btw and my DH has been through the full court process for contact arrangements. Not once during that process did "we" come into it.

Gina2012 · 23/12/2018 13:42

Gosh

You sound very controlling and dominant, @CMcallen

Maybe your partner DOES have anger issues which his ex has seen but you haven't , as yet?

Fabaunt · 23/12/2018 13:45

Ilovebaileyscheesecake, thank you. You understand where I’m coming from.
There is no “hierarchy” that gives a total stranger any right to stick their nose into a child’s nuclear family. The step parent is expected to take whatever’s thrown at them? I never said that. But presumably step parents know their partner comes with baggage and therefore it is reasonable to assume that child will come before any other relationship.

The OP was domineering in her original post. “We’ve been to court”, behave. No you haven’t. He’s been. Butt out. She also had to throw in the little dig about the child’s mother and the reason they broke up, which had no relevance to the story other than to paint her as the bad one. By all means support the husband in his endeavors to be reunited with his daughter but she doesn’t sound like she wants anything to do with him right now and he needs to sort that. I am sure if the mother of the child in the op was to ask for advice here, that her daughter at 9 years old was refusing to see her dad then we would be all advising her to listen to her child.

MissMalice · 23/12/2018 14:59

It’s unlikely, though not impossible, that the OP was in the court room.
It is likely that the OP helped her husband with applications, statements, moral support and attended court to support her husband. So yeah, that’s “we”.

Being in the sort of situation the OP and her husband find themselves in is horrendously distressing. Cut them some slack.

MissMalice · 23/12/2018 15:00

I am sure if the mother of the child in the op was to ask for advice here, that her daughter at 9 years old was refusing to see her dad then we would be all advising her to listen to her child.

Fortunately the courts are beginning to learn that sometimes children say things to please the resident parent.

Original poster

CMcallen · 23/12/2018 15:25

I honestly cannot believe some of the comments on here and the amount of assumptions made. People who don't know me from adam have the audacity to make personal slurs???

Since when does being supportive to someone you love mean you are domineering and controlling? I have attended court on every occasion as have my in laws so does that make them domineering and controlling too??

I came on here for advice and support not to be insulted by complete strangers. I shouldn't let it get to me but it has really upset and surprised me but perhaps that what you set out to do from the safety of your keyboards.

OP posts:

Maryjoyce · 23/12/2018 15:46

Op you sadly have met a number of the f wits in one go sadly it’s nothing unusual on here.
Good luck in court

mumof2sarah · 23/12/2018 15:58

OP you don't deserve the nasty comments you're getting on here. You've obviously helped your husband through everything in court etc etc and love your DSD a lot. I'd try to just get through Christmas as best you can if you're solicitors don't have anyone on duty to advise and start proceedings to sort it all out after and just have your own Christmas at a different time with her. I agree with taking clothes back and getting them/taking her to get some when contact resumes there's no point her opening a bunch of presents that she doesn't fit into. Step parents seem to get ALOT of negativity on here even when they're trying their hardest. My DD has my DP and ex's DW in her life and any decision/issue regarding her is discussed between us all, Step parents to support us, and sometimes a different pair of eyes/ears give some much better advice/help.

I hope your husband AND YOU manage to see your little one soon and that you can have a joyful Christmas (even if late) together xxxx

Hissy · 23/12/2018 16:07

Total stranger.

Ffs, behave!

Op is very far from a total stranger and IS trying to help her h find a way through this FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE CHILD as much as anything. Apologies for shouting, but it was for the clearly hard of thinking.

Yes it’s the h job to sort things out on one level, but subjects like family contact involves the entire household in very many ways, and it takes more than one person to find the way through it.

This saga looks a lot like Parental alienation.

And returning clothes that won’t fit to be replaced with ones that do is a million times more kind than giving a child clothes they can’t wear. It would make them feel very unloved. The other gifts the op has are going to wait until the child does get to see their dad.

What the mother is doing here to this child is cruel. Cruel for cruel’s Sake. It’s common sadly.

IloveBaileysCheesecake · 23/12/2018 16:38

I have attended court on every occasion as have my in laws

My ex tried this with me. He ended up standing in a closed court feeling sorry for himself as he'd had to leave his army at the door. WHY are you and the in laws attending court with him? Do you realise how intimidated this can make the other parent feel? Or is that what you're all hoping for? I'll give you a bit of advice, don't disregard the fact his child is saying she doesn't want to see her father. There may be a damn good reason. I had the parental alienation card thrown at me UNTIL my child was deemed mature enough to instruct their own solicitor. People are all too willing to try and prove something that isn't happening in certain cases. I'm not going to say on an open forum why they didn't wish to see him or his wife but the Judge listened and all contact ceased until such time as my child wanted to see him. That was 15 years ago - they haven't seen him since the day the ruling was made. This is not about YOU, in laws or taking presents back it's about a child and their father.

To the poster whose saying this scenario sounds like parental alienation, I'm surprised you can throw that comment around not knowing the background. There's another side of the story to what the OP is typing on here that none of us are aware of.

Hissy · 23/12/2018 17:51

Oh the other side schtick

What a surprise

Hissy · 23/12/2018 17:54

Rtft

It’s not that difficult.

Starlight456 · 23/12/2018 18:09

Gosh .

Ime step parents can be blind to the behaviour of dh, however we know nothing here to suspect this.

So maybe we should listen to her side .

Why do you think dad would of said this or do you think that’s not even true

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