New mum woes

[Scottishmummy18]

Hi all, this is my first post here sorry if i go on too long...
Just wanting to vent without judgement of anyone i know and hopefully know im not alone!

My baby is 10 weeks old, born by emerg CS. The first few weeks he was a content wee thing but then colicky/reflux symptoms started and gradually got worse. He cried alllll the time, getting worse as the day went on. I dreaded every evening, for seeing him so distressed and for the noise of him screaming pushing me to tears most nights.
Ive never been an emotional person really but I was feeling very overwhelmed at times. As much as I love my baby I was feeling resentful that my happy little life had turned in to this. The hubby and I spoke about riding it out and things will be better. That if the reflux improved we would be great (dont think I could have coped without him, hes so supportive and hands on).

After using infacol and carobel thickner as well as keeping upright for 30 mins after feed etc things definitely improved (have since been prescribed gaviscon as still 1 or 2 feeds a day he is sore and uncomfortable.) Although having to keep him upright after feeds has meant getting used to falling asleep on me during the day and not liking being put down, he is sleeping well at night (even right through some nights). He is also having more happy, smiley awake time. So although reflux still causing some problems it could be a lot worse and i keep reminding myself of this.

Yet I still feel like im really not enjoying 'mum life' the way others seem to. The constant dependency and the crying, feeling like a slave to this little human. Like i say i love my baby and heart melts seeing him becoming more interactive and smiley, but I dont know if its still the extra neediness of a reflux baby or just the general life of the baby stages that i dont and wont enjoy at least until hes a bit older. Feel guilty for wishing his little life away!

Did anyone else really just not enjoy having a small baby or am I terrible for thinking so?

Hi - you are not a terrible mum at all. In fact you sound very caring and loving. Having a first baby is a shock to the system! My 'baby' is now over 40 (!) but I can well remember the feeling of being responsible for such a little baby when DC was a newborn.

Is there anyone who could look after him for a couple of hours to let you have some time to catch up on sleep or just have a break?

You have described how my eldest was. He was the screaming baby for hell for the first few months of his life. He had bad reflux. It was around the four months stage we got medication for him for it which helped hugely. He was similar, he never slept in the day, would only sleep if being held and I did really struggle with not being able to have any space or 'me' time. I had such bad anxiety because of his constant crying as well!

I don't really know what helped or what advice to offer. Just try and enjoy as much as you can. Take LO out as much as you can. I was lucky, I had him in March and it was a baking hot summer. He always liked being out and slept in the car seat on his pram. When he wants to sleep, let him sleep on you and put the telly on. My house went to shit for a while when my kids were younger. It doesn't last forever. I went back to work at 6 months. Then I had my youngest when my eldest was 2. The time does fly. But when I look back I do kind of miss the happy days with him and wish I'd enjoyed holding him more.

You're not alone. The small baby bit is hard but the more DD (4 months) develops her personality, the more fun we have. I felt the same and it turns out I have PND. I really didn't think that I did, i just thought I'd been traumatised by a traumatic birth (there's certainly an element of that) as I wasn't crying all the time or anything. I would urge you to go and talk to your GP. I was reluctant to start medication but it's really helped.

Although baby may have reflux or colic, DD also went through phases of being more unsettled, screaming for food, guzzling bottles and promptly projectile vomiting. Like all these things, it passed. Remember that's you and baby are still getting to know each other and although we're told there should be some instant mum magic that's not what it's like for most people.

Not terrible at all; I didn’t enjoy the newborn/small baby stage. I loved my DD but I enjoyed it much more once she started sleeping more at night and was much more interactive.
I love the toddler stage; it’s frustrating in a very different way but she’s so much fun.

Thank you for replies. Its nice to know others felt the same.
Most mums just talk about how much they love being a mum and if im honest i just cant say that yet! I knew it wasnt going to be easy but maybe loved my quiet little life with hubby too much and was just naive to how difficult the demands of a newborn can be .. but I do know these stages wont last forever!

That sounds really tough. My first was born by EMCS too and the second two spontaneously. I definitely noticed a difference between them as the first was really unsettled as a newborn whereas her siblings were low maintenance in comparison.

A lot of mums don’t enjoy the newborn stage. The mums who say they love it will invariably have easy babies (or be lying!) Having said that everything is a phase and all children will be difficult at some point. The angel babies might become nightmares when they start teething or when they’re toddlers etc etc.

Be kind to yourself. Your baby is only 10 weeks. He’s spent 9 months in the womb wanting for nothing and now he needs to get used to his new surroundings. You need to give yourself time to adjust too. It will get easier. In the meantime don’t be hard on yourself, you’re doing an amazing job!