3yo dd play date disaster

[graysor]

We had a friend over this afternoon for dd (just turned 3) to play with. They know each other well and have played nicely together at the friend’s house several times before.

Dd behaved horribly the whole time and was at a loss at how best to handle it.

Dd has form for being possessive over her toys and things. So we’d prepared before friend came over. We talked about how we would share and take turns with different toys. We picked a few things that I know dd is particularly attached to, and we put them away so they weren’t available for the play date. We’ve recently read lots of different books about sharing, taking turns, what to do when you feel angry etc.

Despite all of this, from the moment friend came in dd was basically not letting friend play with anything. Shouting and crying that x toy was hers. I tried to distract and suggest things they could do together or that didn’t need particular toys as a flashpoint. But dd wasn’t interested and just said she wanted friend to go home.

I had to take dd out as she was just being awful. Friend’s mum took friend home after a while as it was clearly a disaster.

Wwyd in this scenario?

After they’d gone I talked to dd about her unacceptable behaviour. We talked about how she would feel if her friend didn’t let her play with things, and how people won’t want to be friends with her if she won’t let them play with her toys.

Wwyd in this situation? I don’t think I handled it well and clearly we need to do something differently.

Ah it's so hard but do normal. I wouldn't want to share my toys if I was three!! I think you did the right thing just try to reinforce the message but it'll come. She's closer to bring a baby than a child.
Sounds like you did well, don't beat yourself up xxx

I don't want to share my toys and I'm 41!

I also don't want to take turns with anyone.

My little boy, used to do this, so instead of being sweet or punishing him, I'd tell him he'd get more when he shared more. Small treats and praise. 5 mins more TV time works. Or just have more play dates and have a talk about why she won't share. Then again that's quite hard as she's 3. I'm very sorry Thomas never did this too much.

I read somewhere that a child is 5 before they understand that something that is gone from their “ possession” can return to it. That is a massive deal for some children, less so for others.

Instead of distracting I would have stepped in and told her off and said it was not kind not to share
And if she didn’t share I would put all of her toys away
You need to be firmer - this sort of behaviour is normal but if not sorted can lead to a horrible child

Play dates for newly 3 year olds are hit or miss, you just have to roll with them.

In my opinion, they're not old enough to grasp the concept of sharing, being a dick when their friends are over, or showing their parents up 😅

I don't really like sharing my nice stuff at 40, so I don't expect littlekids to be good at it.

Have a chat about it, but don't expect it to sink it. They're not emotionally capable yet. The average/normal parent gets it and doesn't give it a second thought.

My nephews do this all the time. The older one is spoilt and the little one just accepts it. The little one has got to the age he gets cool toys that older nephew wants. His mam lets the older boy take everything he wants and doesn’t ask him to share. So everything results in “that’s mine! It’s my turn! I want it! It’s mine! It’s mine” and even though the little one will move on to something else his brother repeats the same process over every single toy.

So, for little nephews birthday I bought him a really cool gift. Something his parents would never have bought because it was so expensive. Anytime the older kid wants it, I gently remind him it’s little brothers, and because he won’t share his toys, little bro isn’t sharing his. This has resulted in big brother being overly generous with average toys so he gets to play with the big one. He’ll make sure the little one has something to play with before trying to take his big toy.

Sometimes it works to say to them "which of the toys can (friend) play with?" It helps give them a bit of a sense of control over it.

She will get better as she learns that she can share things and get them back otherwise. Until then, suggest playing on neutral territory or doing things that don't require sharing (playing hide and seek, playing outdoors, making a den, etc) Or if it's all going too badly just let them watch TV together for a bit too calm things down

Small children don't understand sharing its a bit like us being told to hand over our car to a stranger. When my DDs were small I had a few cheap and cheerful toys that were neutral and the girls understood that they were not especially theirs but were there for anyone who visited to share.

I did step in each time to tell dd off, and tell her she was being unkind by not letting her friend play. Although I didn’t threaten to put all the toys away as I couldn’t have followed through on that easily.
I’m not sure what else would be a good natural consequence here?
I asked dd to choose something that she didn’t mind sharing, but she wouldn’t pick anything.

Red sky - would you literally pack everything up? And where would you put it? We were in our living room where most of dds’s toys are kept and they’re all vaguely stored in boxes/ baskets that are easily accessible. It was literally every little thing that dd’s friend picked up to look at , not just particular toys. e.g. random bit of plastic tat from a magazine that has been lying around for weeks, bit of ribbon from a present etc.
Sadly my house is not tidy and organised enough for me to ensure that before a play date everything is completely clear of playthings except for a specifically selected choice of acceptable toys.

I suggested various things they could do instead like hide and seek, but dd was too angry to engage.

That's such a common scenario at that age. They're still so little and working out how to play with others. Just the anxiety &/or excitement of the playdate can lead to possessiveness which basically stems from insecurity.

I seem to remember from DD being that age, it was always good to meet somewhere neutral for play dates, such as a park or even outside in the garden.

Having a focus or planned activity for a playdate can be a good idea too. For example, we're going to have "friend" over for a tea party, or to do some painting or drawing. Have everything set up ear where you will be watching (not hidden away in a bedroom) so that you can keep an eye out for when things are to go awry so that you can redirect.

Also good to keep playdates fixed time and short, only a hour or two. Keep the kids distracted and well fed so that their play experience is positive.

When DS was small, we'd always take some toys with us to a play date so if they didnt feel like sharing, the DCs played with their own toys alongside each other.

Sometimes you get a bad playdate. Everyone's knackered and sensitive at this time of year. I'd send an apologetic (but not too apologetic) message to the other mum and forget about it.

Maybe in future you could have a neutral activity on hand for if this happens again - eg new playdoh, or biscuit decoration, or just freezing small toys in a block of ice for them to chip out. But I wouldn't stress about it.

Yes I would take child and put them in another room (in a safe place) for a few mins (their cot if they still used one). They’ll soon learn!

Good distractors are food- if kids are cranky pull out the snacks and make them sit down or put on tv like someone suggested

Thanks everyone. Glad to hear this is at least relatively normal. I was particularly upset about dd’s behaviour because when we’ve been over to this friend’s house she hasn’t been possessive at all.

I did try giving them both a snack but dd started kicking off about something (I can’t remember exactly what her issue was now!)

Next time I’ll try having a specific activity out and ready. But I’ll have to choose carefully as dd has no interest in drawing or painting or play dough. Any suggestions for other good things I could set up?

Sounds quite normal to me. I think play dates are quite difficult at that age and would arrange to meet at playgroups or parks for an easy life!

I'm trying to think of activities or toys that need someone else to be allowed to play, otherwise they are no fun.
I'm stuck with "see-saw"!

I'd get friend to bring some toys with them.

Eeek - really? If you have an adult friend over your house would you ask them to bring their own cake because you don’t like sharing yours?!

At 3 mine liked things like biscuit decorating. But encourage them to do things like dress up and play make believe together? Like set up a den and put out costumes?

Biscuit decorating is a good idea.
Not sure about dress up, as this would no doubt descend into an argument over who gets to wear what. I’d also need to invest in some more costumes.

Set up a big bag/box of sharing toys. Before the play date ask your DD which toys she’s happy to share and put them in it then contribute to it with a new/secondhand/borrowed/old toy she’s forgotten or not seen before. Remind her that sharing is good and will be rewarded by more sharing toys. Remove her immediately at the first sign of poor behaviour - in my experience so far (eldest is 9) they ALL do this and you seem to be handling it really well so far :)

Chunky bead necklace making, lego/duplo good for sharing, making cars whizz down hills made of whatever you have like an ironing board (we had a huge cardboard tube once, that was good), I once put them in the bath together on a particularly bad day, which they thought was hilarious, get them to play 'don't fall in the lava' round the living room. All this stuff is a pain in the arse but so much better than falling-out kids on a play date

I don't think your dd is unusual graysor although in your position I'd be more inclined to lead by example rather than trying to reason with a 3 year old.

So a few random ideas that might help;

Get everyone to bring along a bag of toys for sharing to the playdate, including the grown-ups. Mum's also play together with the kids, or without if children don't want to join in initially. I bet they'll soon join in with your games when they see how much fun you are having, so don't forget to have fun! Obviously if the children are fine without you then sit back and relax.

For Mums bags include toys that aren't much fun when played with alone so;

Teaset (make the tea party more fun by having water or juice in teapot and little snacks like iced gems)

Facepaints to draw on each other

Telephones or walkie talkies for various role play games

Cars with characters like Happyland that can travel backwards and forwards between each of you that are 'different destinations' (home/school/shop) or cars that just have a big crash somewhere in the middle

Props for playing shops so you can temporarily buy items off each other (a few chocolate coins could be used as a bribe)

One of those Orchard games that encourage taking turns like Shopping List.

Then at the end of the play date make a big thing of everyone having their own toys returned to them. Good luck

Stickers and paper plates for 'decorating a plate'.

Wilkos have magic painting books for £1.50. Cut the pages out so they can have some each just need water and paint brushes.

Halloween/Christmas crafts.

Make someone a card (we have as stash of pens and stickers and blank cards/envelopes) They tend to decorate the envelopes as well.

Ice-cream!

We have used all of the above to help with play dates, it is much better now she is 4 I have to say!