Worried about 9 year old lonely

[Incubus100]

Hi, I have an 9 year old daughter who has never seemed to have any friends. She’s never really been invited to a birthday party and never receives many Xmas cards (1 so far this year). I’m wondering if childhood has just changed since I was little and these things aren’t things any more or whether o should be worried? She doesn’t seem unhappy just a bit of a loner. I ask her about kids at school but she barely even seems to know anyone’s name. I ask what she does at break time and she says she goes to the library, never any tall of company on any way. She is an only child and has no other children around her out of school so she literally seems to spend all of her time alone. I’ve tried after school things but her homework takes most of her after school time now so things have gone by the wayside and she seems pleased she doesn’t have to go to them anymore. Am I over thinking this? Any help would be great. Thanks

Ask her what activities she would like to do. Or maybe you can think of some where you do stuff alone but there are other people nearby (e.g. archery, group music lessons).

Thanks, I think I justbwirry as her childhood looks so different to mine and no play has ever really been involved. It doesn’t help that we have no family with kids so no cousins etc for her to grow up with and none of our friends with kids live near us so we have been pretty helpless to invervene in any way. She seems happy thought maybe I should just go on that. She doesn’t seem to mind being alone, I mind for her. The only activity she ever wants to do when I ask is video games. She was talking about horse riding again (tried it a few years ago to get her out) a while back though so maybe we can try that again.

You could tap to her teacher to see if she is sociable at school.

Thank, I have done but she is in middle school now since sept and the teacher said that they don’t really monitor that kind of thing at this stage. I know she doesn’t talk to anyone on her table as she doesn’t know their names (all boys so no real joint interests). When she was in first school the teachers were more helpful with it and she did start to make a few friends by the vey end of year 4 but then she’s moved to middle school this year and we are back to square one . the kids she started to get friendly with at the end of year 4 went to a different school and I’ve asked her is she wants to change and go to that school but she said no 🤷‍♀️. I guess I just have to accept that she isn’t very sociable and hope it works its self out without her becoming a target for bullies or anything. It breaks my heart though!

Do you think she might be a little on the autistic spectrum and find social interaction difficult.
Therefore books and quiet places are safer.
Maybe she does want friends but social interactions are so confusing and exhausting that she would rather not engage?
There's are just my thoughts.
All the best op.

I have queried autism before but the teachers think not. Your description is spot on of my perception of her though. To her It’s easier to spend time alone in the library rather than exhaust herself with confusing social interactions that she doesn’t really seem to understand. I know she has an emotional intelligence deficit and has had to have some support in this area in first school. She was extremely premature so I’ve always put things down to that it I’m just wondering how long I can go on making that excuse without thinking about other possibilities. Maybe I will brooch the autism subject again at school. Thank you

How premature was she if you don't mind me asking? Sometimes premature baby's can take until their teens to catch up so it may be worth speaking to her gp To put your mind at rest

She was born at 25 weeks on the nose. It’s good to hear that I’m not still making excuses for her based on her prematurity for no reason. People keep telling me that it shouldn’t apply after 5 years old but I’m sure she still has issues from it and could do with being put back a year (she would have been in the year below had she been born on time which I think also has a lot to do with her issues as she is technically being skipped ahead when she has had develomental delays like some kind of sick experiment) as you can tell I get a little neurotic about her as I just feel she is bending failed by the inflexible uk system. We are looking to emigrate to oz inthe next couple of years in the hope that they will be more flexible and allow her to go into the year group she suits not the one her birthdate falls in 🤞🏻.

I think it’s the fact that she barely knows the other children’s names hat is the thing that strikes me. From my limited experience I find that most girls at least know the names of the girls in their class, even if they don’t want to spend time with them.

If the fact that she’s not receiving cards or invitations is bothering you, is she sending any cards this year and does she every have parties or invite children home or out?

Does she understand how the basics of friendships work?

Does she get along with younger kids? Maybe being kept back a year would do her a lot of good just from a social perspective. When I was in year 3 or 4 I preferred to hang out with the kindergartners and year 1s and give them horseback rides or be the monster chasing them etc.
I live in Australia (Canberra), if you want any specific info on rules here feel free to pm me and I'll find out for you. Another benefit to moving is since our school year follows the calendar, even if you don't get to drop a grade you can put her back by 6 months without her noticing. E.g. say she is doing year 3 and you move half-way through your school year in December, she will get some lovely summer holidays and then start year 3 again at the end of January.

She isn’t sending any Xmas cards this year as the name thing is a bit of a catch 22. I thought we could just send one back when we got one so that we knew people names but that isn’t happening. I’ve asked her if there is anyone she would like to come home to play and she says no. I also wouldn’t have a clause how to arrange it now that she is in middle school and parents are no longer allowed on the play ground so I have no idea how to contact anyone’s parents beyond seeing a note with her to give to them for their parents to ring me or something. I’m going to keep tying with it though.

I’m getting the sense that my worry isn’t unfounded and that these things seem strange to others of you too.

She gets on much better with the younger kids. used to play with the reception and year 1 kids in first school a lot I think. That’s why we really want her held back but the uk system won’t allow it. That’s for the offer of oz info. I’ve spoken to a few schools and they seem much more flexible in terms of the child ability rather than age determining what year group so I’m hoping the reality is as the talk. 🤞🏻

I think it might be worth talking to the GO and seeing if they can get her assessed for ASD or if it’s to do with her prematurity. Even if she were to be with the 8 year olds, the girls would usually still know the names of those around her.

Could you do some work with her on listening and remembering names or taking turns in conversation?

Some of these books might help too