How to get 8yo ds to self settle..

[hotstepper4]

My ds is 8 years 2 months old. His life has been a bit unsettled in general - split up with with his dad when he was 3, and he's been 50/50 with us since, maybe more 55/45 to his dad. I've also moved 4 times in the last 5 years which hasn't been ideal but I've had bad luck with rental properties, I think this is relevant.

When ds is with his dad, he self settles. But with me, it's a different story. He can't fall asleep without me lying with him. If I don't, he has a meltdown. We're just about to move again, 4th and hopefully last time for a long time. I bought him a new bed with a tent around the bottom as he wanted.

I really want him to start self settling. I'm happy to do cuddles and stories etc but I don't want to just lie there for ages.

It's definitely a lonely thing, as eow he shares his room with his 2 stepbrothers and doesn't want me to lie with him when they're there.

Can I ask what your bedtime rountine is with him now?

It's 6pm all screens go off, 7pm bath, then a small bland snack and some milk. Story at 8 and light's off at 8.30.

What is his bedtime routine with his Dad?

Find out and make yours exactly the same.

Personally I’d live with the meltdowns in order to sort out the issue.

Is the problem perhaps that Dad is strict while you allow him to mess about?

At 8 you can just explain to him that you won’t be lying with him anymore. He can self settle if he is doing it at his Dad’s, he just prefers you to lie with him.

This is a bit random, but would it help if he could hear you going about doing stuff after you say goodnight?

I went through a phase when I was a similar age, perhaps 9, of being very anxious and wanting my mum there when I fell asleep. What resolved it in the end was that if I could hear her doing stuff - for example, clearing up in the kitchen –I found that really comforting, like she was still there and I could hear she was around and nearby. If she just said goodnight and then there was silence, I found that really difficult.

I did grow out of it!

My boys always settle to sleep fine when I go out for an evening (so good for their Dad) but play merry hell for me they are almost 5 and 8, so I'm watching this for tips...

Id do bedroom door open with ypu pottering around on the landing/in and out of rooms etc getting on with "other things" so there but not there.