Mum has forgotten what it’s like!

[bristollady]

Ok I’m going to preface this by saying I’m aware that I’m very lucky to still have my mum and that she lives nearby and is (some of the time) willing to help. I know. However, she appears to have completely forgotten how to deal with kids, to the point where I sometimes question if she did actually raise me.

She often makes the toddler cry because she doesn’t know how to handle her and shouts a lot, and the other day she got so riled up she threatened to smack her, which upset me. I don’t think she would actually do it but the threat was not very nice to hear.

Today she let herself into the house while I was trying to put the toddler down for a nap. I had left the baby in the car seat in the other room as she was asleep, so I could get the toddler down for her nap, but mum came in and started hollering because she couldn’t see me anywhere and was worried. This wakes up baby but I thought it was ok as mum could settle her while I sorted the other one. I tried letting her know quietly I was home but she couldn’t hear and I could hear her getting more and more panicky so I shouted down but then toddler was wide awake and refuse to go back down. So now both children screaming. I finally wrestle toddler back into cot and come downstairs to find mum has left. Baby is screaming, front door is left wide open. She couldn’t deal with the noise (which she created!) and so she just left.

Often when she’s there it’s like I have 3 children. I need to feed her and fetch things for her and manage her moods like I do the kids. It’s quite stressful! When I ask her advice about parenting stuff she says ‘I don’t remember’. I really am wondering how she managed to bring me up on her own!

Anyway, I know this probably all sounds a bit ungrateful as she is at least around, even if she doesn’t help much. Also I have a MIL who is wonderful and helps so much when she comes over, so I can’t complain. But I guess I just have! Sorry!

Anyone else’s parents slightly clueless when it comes to dealing with kids?!

A lot of older women didn’t actually raise their kids — they were often left to their own devices. Or left with grandparents. Or left to roam the streets until it was time for dinner. You are probably the one who doesn’t remember the truth!!

I suggest you remove her access to the house and lower your contact for your own piece of mind.

Do tell your mum that you won't be smacking your daughter and please not to threaten this as you don't want her hearing the threat.

Maybe try to keep visits short and unambitious for the time being? My mum gets all wound up and stressed by DC which makes DS1 hyper which makes him a nightmare to deal with. She has got better as he's got older, though.

I agree with Cherries.
I think you need to admit some things to yourself. People don't change that much.

What age is she? My dad had dementia and early signs were short temperedness because he was frustrated with himself

That is quite erratic and odd behaviour, to let herself into your house and then shouting to find you in front of a sleeping baby rather than coming to look, and then walking out because of the noise and leaving the door wide open behind her. Does she have form for this sort of thing?

Unfortunately dementia was also what came to mind :(

But some people just age differently, I think you have to take the hand you're dealt rather than wishing for a perfect granny. I wouldn't be using her for childcare or putting her in stressful situations, it sounds like it won't work out for anyone. What are the benefits of having her around? Is she good company? Can she help with chores or anything?

I think it just sounds horribly fraught the way things can sometimes get. My mum was very experienced with children including babies but she found coping with my dd as a baby really hard - she was in her late 70s by then and had helped massively with the older grandchildren. Sometimes it's just overwhelming and you can't do right for doing wrong. She should have followed your approach (your home, your children after all) but she didn't. There's probably all kind of conflicting emotions going on.
I hope it gets easier.

Thanks for the kind replies. For most people I’d say yes this sounds like dementia but my mum? I’m not sure. Shes not that old. She’s always been a little bit crap for want of a better word. Even as a child I felt like I had to look after myself/her a bit.

When I was about 7 I remember her going on holiday and leaving me to stay with friends. She was a whole day late coming back thanks to a missed ferry and didn’t think to call. The friends thought she had abandoned me and almost rang social services! Thankfully they held out one more night and she came back. She couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset when she got back!

On the one hand she was very strong raising me by herself when my dad left, with no family nearby to help. On the other hand, I think maybe the whole experience may have damaged her a bit. I guess she did/is doing the best she knows how to do. Definitely not planning to leave the kids with her unattended. She would not cope well!

Thanks for the kind replies. For most people I’d say yes this sounds like dementia but my mum? I’m not sure. She’s always been a little bit crap for want of a better word. Even as a child I felt like I had to look after myself/her a bit.

When I was about 7 I remember her going on holiday and leaving me to stay with friends. She was a whole day late coming back thanks to a missed ferry and didn’t think to call. The friends thought she had abandoned me and almost rang social services! Thankfully they held out one more night and she came back. She couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset when she got back!

On the one hand she was very strong raising me by herself when my dad left, with no family nearby to help. On the other hand, I think maybe the whole experience may have damaged her a bit. I guess she did/is doing the best she knows how to do. Definitely not planning to leave the kids with her unattended. She would not cope well!

Wait, the mum might only be 50, it’s unlikely OP has under 3s and was born in the 1950s or 1960s, or even 1970s. Sounds as if she doesn’t have boundaries. Can you change the front door lock & forget to give her the new key, that stops her being able to get in the house for a start.

She’s 63. I’m 34. I don’t mind her letting herself in. Most of the time it’s ok. I think she means well, she’s just a bit crap and gets overwhelmed!

I think you might have blocked out how crap a mum she was.
I'd have expected her to tiptoe round looking for you, not leave and leave the bloody door open!!

OP, you may not mind her letting herself in. But what if she does it again, leaves the door open and your toddler (or baby as they get older) wanders out? It's not safe if she can't even remember to shut the door, they could get seriously hurt.

Keep your door locked.

The thought of someone wandering into my house unannounced horrifies me!

Yes, I was really worried when I saw the door wide open. She says she did shut it but it’s stiff and mustn’t have shut properly when she did. I think I might have to take back the keys (politely) but then she will just knock loudly at nap time probably and holler through the letter box!

Bless you OP, my mum is a bit like this, though things never escalated to this extent. She, nor my dad, had any idea how to hold my baby when introduced (as a new born and 9 month old respectively) - I was very surprised that you could actually forget. Also they were full of hopelessly useless advice, such as "If the baby is crying, find out what makes it stop, then do it again next time" and when he became mobile I got "don't let the baby near sharp objects" before reeling off a list that included knives, scissors, etc. When I asked for specific advice, they couldn't remember. I haven't benefited from my parents experience at all, literally not one bit, and I find it quite depressing.

I find my mum a bit clueless. I've 2 young kids with a small age gap and I know I shouldn't be expecting her to help out but sometimes I just feel a bit exasperated. Like I'm there trying to get their coats and hats on and trying to get them both in the pram and mum is just standing there informing me that it's cold and I need to put their coats on. Oh and I would need to make sure they're zipped up too. And I'm just thinking would you not take the initiative and help one of them put on their coat? I know it seems such a small thing, but I just thought my own mum would be a bit more hands on with her own grandchildren, especially when she can see I'm struggling sometimes.

I do sometimes go and stay with mum and dad for a few days with the kids and I'm starting to find it more and more stressful. It makes me so grateful to have my DH as we tackle the evening routine together when we're at home, but I've it all to do myself when I'm at mum and dad's, usually with mum chirping at me in the background about what I should be doing.

I know I shouldn't moan, lots of people have no support at all, but I completely get where you're coming from!

Cherries has made some good points; I was brought up like this - left to roam the streets or else spent most of the time with my grandparents. I actually don't have any positive memories of spending time with my mother as a child and this is probably one of the main reasons why we are estranged.

TBH, I ended up being the mother to my mother, it was hard work, especially as we didn't have a particularly good relationship in the first place. My mother would let me run around a café after my toddler dd, drinking the latte that I bought for her, drain the dregs of hers, whilst I had hardly touched mine and it had turned cold, she would not take any active role in supporting me with my dds whatsoever, but then again why would she because she didn't as a parent. Your mother won't change, it is up to you how you move forward with this and what sort of contact you have with her (obviously I'm not suggesting estrangement as I realise this is a bit extreme) but I mean more in terms of limiting your stress.

@sadmummy231 Oh dear! I shouldn’t laugh but I totally recognise that scenario. It’s exactly what my mum does too. Often her advice is clearly wrong too, like the time she told me to give the baby a dummy with honey smeared on it!

@whystay The coat thing! Yes! So annoying. Probably not on purpose, just thoughtless. Here’s a funny one for you - my 2 year old is about to start potty training but we haven’t yet with new baby etc. The other day she’s alone with mum while I’m upstairs with baby. She’s saying ‘done a poo’ over and over but Mum doesn’t understand. In exasperation, she yanks off her nappy and waves it at my mum. Poo flying everywhere. What does mum do? Nothing! She shouts to me ‘you need to change her nappy. And there’s poo on your carpet and walls by the way’ and continues to sip her tea. I’ve got a screaming baby in one hand and am trying to stop poo bummed toddler from climbing stairs with the other. WTF?! 😂

@lavenderdays I’m so sorry to hear you and your mum are estranged. That must be hard. I understand what you mean about mothering your mother. Was your mum a single mum too? My mum was and I felt that way with her from quite a young age. Often had to pick up pieces when relationships failed etc. And she never listened to my warnings about guys who were clearly wronguns because I was just a kid. It sounds like you made the decision you had to. For me, estrangement isn’t an option as I’d feel too guilty and she means well but I can see how in some cases people need to for their own mental health.

My mum once smacked my DD on her bum so hard she left a handprint , oh god I still shiver thinking about it 15 years later.

I threatened her if she ever did that again there would be no contact, only gave her second chance because generally on the whole she was a good grandparent. Plus my dad was so in love with his grand kids and the best grandad ever I really did not want to jeopardise that.

I get why though, she use to hit my brothers with wooden spoons back in the 60s.

No Bristol, my mum wasn't a single mother but my father was zero support and quite frankly verged on being abusive so my grandparents were our refuge. I think my mother moved between antidepressants and alcohol to cope and always worked when we were at home, thus forcing someone else to do the caregiving (although she would say she had to earn the money but she always spent above her means). I do have some sympathy with her but personally, my mental health has been way better since I stopped contact (this turned into a power game, where she expected me to go to her and I didn't...she did the same with one of my brothers too). I do feel guilty sometimes just because she is my biological mother but she has never done me any favours growing up and I think this has just done a full circle. I am also estranged from my father, who lives mainly abroad now...not had much luck on the parents front!

My Mum is like this. I think we were very easy babies, and that she had quite low standards and just let us entertain yourselves.

When my baby had colic, she said things like ‘Just put her down and put on the dinner’, ‘Why is she crying like that?’ ‘Why is she so stiff?’.. ‘She smells of sick’... Then she’d just sit on her phone and I’d be running around making her lunch.

No advice really, but I sympathise. Some of my friends mothers are so helpful with their children and I wish I had that kind of support.

My mum used to sit watching TV and asking for a cuppa whilst I fed and changed twin newborns. She never once changed a nappy or offered to feed/comfort one of them ...... sat there whilst I was run ragged. At the time I put it down to her just being a bit selfish and vague but I look back now and I find it quite unbelievable!

If I saw a stranger in a café struggling like that I'd offer to help - let alone my own DDs/grand kids. Seriously odd behaviour.

Interesting reading on here about people's childhoods, my dad did most of the parenting and really wanted to be a stay at home dad in the 70s, which was highly unusual. If he'd been alive when my DDs were born things would have been very different I think.