Overbearing parenting

[Mummyclark17]

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice. I am a full time working mum and my husband is a stay at home dad to our 16 month old daughter. As you can imagine, being a ever growing toddler with an ever growing personality, bringing her up can be a challenge when you're on your own all day (as it is with any toddler). I'm in a job that luckily can financially support us both meaning that he is able to do a little part time cleaning job for some pocket money and means that we don't need to put LO into childcare, saving money. It's an intense job and sees me starting work early so as I can finish early but also comes with a 4 hour commute leaving me drained and exhausted by the time that I get home.

He can be loving and playful with our daughter, but his upbringing and parenting style is very much you do as I say, when I say it but also I'm not really willing to put the effort in to enforce it. He gets very annoyed when she doesn't do as she's told (more often because she doesn't necessarily understand the instruction or because she simply doesn't want to) and will shout at her to the point at which he starts to cry hysterically. I obviously don't agree with this and anytime I pull him up on it ends up in an argument between us where he insists that I don't do enough and that he's doing everything.

I'm at my wit's end. He refuses to communicate with me and gets riled up any time I suggest that there's a better way of doing things or that I point blank don't agree with how he's parenting. I never wanted to be fighting my partner and always wanted to work together with parenting our child. I often get phone calls whilst I'm at work to her crying down the phone and him shouting telling her to go away and that he can't deal with her crying in his face. Just recently he was ill and asked me to take the day off of work to look after her whilst he recovered, despite the fact that if the situation were reversed, he wouldn't take the day off to help me out and I'd just be left to get on with it.

I'm not sure I can take much more of the fighting and constant digs from him and of what I can only assume is our daughter becoming frightened of her daddy if she so much as moves in the wrong way. I honestly don't know what I can do apart from quit working for a job that I absolutely love, if I do though he won't be able to get a well enough paid job as he simply doesn't have the skills or qualifications to cover our finances.

I need help.

As you know, it's bloody hard work looking after a small child and his temperant and parenting style are probably due to his sheer frustration and exhaustion of having to deal with things day to day.

Having been really into my career before going on maternity leave (which was target based and very full on!) I have to say the challenge of my career pales in comparison to taking care of a small human. Babies don't understand reason, they are loud, they are draining and just as you think you have things figured out, they develop and change.

I understand your concerns but it sounds like he gets very little support from you (the to your job) so even the slightest critique of his parenting style is bound to rule him up.

What do you do with your LO to give him a bit of respite? Is there any opportunity where you can show him how to deal with situations rather than tell?

You need to leave and take the child imo, or tell him to go. He's shouting at her? Bloody hell. That isn't good parenting or anything close to it.

Get a nanny.

I couldn't allow him to continue shouting at her and ordering her around. It would be preferable for him to get a full time job and pay for your DD to be in childcare of some kind.

If he was prepared to discuss it, agreed that what he's doing is wrong, would agree to go to parenting classes etc then it might be something I could accept he could work on. But that doesn't seem likely.

What’s with random strangers reading one snippet from a posters life and feeling qualified in advising someone to walk out of their marriage and break up a child’s family?

OP he sounds really frustrated being stuck at home with a toddler all day. It’s clearly not working. I would tell him he needs to get a job and then pop your LO in a crèche where she’ll be happy and with others her own age.
Good luck

Could you put your DD in Nursery and your DP get more hours at work to cover the cost?

She can’t just leave him and take the child unless DH agrees.

What strikes me from the post in DH has to work as a cleaner to earn pocket money - do you not have equal disposable income?

Being a SAHP is exhausting. You need to sit down with him and ask him how he feels about it? Does he want to continue being a SAHP? He is obviously struggling if he rings you all the time at work, if he want to continue then suggest he tries a parenting book or parenting course to get some tips how to deal with a toddler. I know I need all the tips I can get.

You work extremely long hours, with a long commute. He's looking after DD AND doing some extra work as a cleaner for "pocket money". I'm not excusing his behaviour with your DD, but this is not that surprising if he's as exhausted and overwhelmed as I suspect he is. And you, because you're out of the house a lot, can't do much to help.

Do you absolutely need him to have this other "little job" or can that be cancelled? If possible, that time could then be spent with him having some time to himself.

DH is a SAHD. We have always had at least some childcare. A few hours a week or a day. This allows him to have a break. Which means when Im' at home on the weekend, he's happy to give me a break too.

If getting respite doesn't change how he behaves with her, then you do have a bigger problem because constantly shouting at a toddler isn't that helpful.

If he loses control when looking after your daughter, that's a situation that can't be allowed to continue. It's horrible for everyone involved and in a worst case scenario could be unsafe.

How does he feel about being a SAHD? Does he enjoy some elements of it? Is he depressed? Does he have a support network?

No 16 month old is going to do what you tell them 100% of the time. That's not how child development works. It sounds to me like he needs some support with mental health, plus a break from doing childcare full time and some kind of input - classes, books, spending more time with other parents - to have a clearer picture of what it is reasonable to expect of a toddler and what kind of approach makes life less stressful.

On top of that though, it sounds like communication in your marriage is a bit of an issue. If you're going to make things work, you need to find a way to make him feel more supported. But full time childcare would be much, much better than being with a parent who shouts and loses control regularly.

Shouting, screaming, belittling and humiliating is bullying not discipline.
If you don't love them you can't discipline them, discipline is a part of love.
So what is love......You laughing, smiling, joking, being a twit, you making them laugh etc, patience, tolerance, age appropriate discipline, cuddles, children often forget or don't understand what you've said.
I am a dad (3 boys are grown up now) and I got it wrong but I had the opportunity to play with the children in a state school nursery (as a volunteer age 56) I can't describe the joy.
Teachers said I was undermining discipline but my laughing, smiling and occasionally frowning with a oh i don't like that was all that was needed. (far more effective than teachers shouting)
In fact the calmer I was the more control I had.
I'm a bit of a child at heart, my imagination mixing with theirs was incredible, chatting building vocabulary, running, playing, in fact it was the best two years of my life.
I looked after my eldest boy from 6 months-18 months and it was the hardest time of my life, felt alone, lacked confidence, felt isolated etc.
Couldn't wait to get back to work.
Children like to make you laugh but you've got to start the process off.

There's a playgroup run by dads on Mondays and Fridays in Wimbledon, can't remember the name (others days run by mum's)
I think it's a great idea because on the whole men don't know much about kids.
Hope this is helpful

I think he is finding being a full-time SAHD too stressful and difficult. Talk to him about it.

A good solution would be a part-time, 1-3 day a week job and have her in childcare. With the break from her, he will probably be a better parent in the days he has her at home.

Shouting at a toddler is unlikely to yield the response that he wants but he sounds frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed. Did he want to be a SAHP or is this just a financial decision? Saying that he has a cleaning job for pocket money must be quite demoralizing for him. If I was him I wouldn't be feeling particularly valued if I didn't have any spare funds from the family pot. Suggest he gives up the cleaning job and takes a break, suggests he tries to meet up with other parents in the local area or gets out to playgroups, find some support or childcare for a few hours a week and ask him if he actually wants to be doing this.

Sit him down and be clear that things cannot continue the way that they are so the two of you need to come up with a plan together as well as discussing how you are going to parent your child in a way that you are both happy with. However this may mean you picking up more of the parenting when you're home so it's not just you dictating how he parents, but a shared strategy.

I do understand feeling frustrated and at the end of your tether as a parent, especially a stay at home parent - it can be so much duller, harder and less fun than you expect - and while it sounds a little like that, it sounds more like he has completely unrealistic expectations for her.

Would he do a parenting course do you think? You could do one together perhaps? Triple P are often offered through the health visitor service, if you ask. You could frame it to him as getting some tips to get her to behave better.

I don't know that it's the right way to look at it that you're saving money as a family by her not being in childcare, if it's making everyone stressed and potentially affecting her mental health. Would she not be happier in nursery even a few days a week to give him a break from the SAHP drudgery. He could then get a job which is more hours than the cleaning work.

I do think he sounds pretty stressed and he's telling you that he isn't happy with the current balance of responsibilities in the relationship but perhaps isn't expressing it very well. I am not sure if I was a struggling SAHP that someone trying to tell me how to parent would go down very well, even if I knew they were right deep down.

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for your responses. I know that dealing with a toddler at home is very stressful. He calls his cleaning job his pocket money job and in all honesty, even though it's a couple of hundred quid a month, it really is needed as we get no benefits apart from the usual £80 odd quid every 4 weeks and my money pays for everything with no spare disposable income.

The reason that we're in this situation is because he got the sack from his job just as I was coming back to work from maternity leave putting a massive strain on our finances. It forced me to move into a job that was better paid but came with more responsibility and more of a commute while he took a part time evening job, this was the only job that he was able to get and he was very happy with that. We have no support network around us as his family have moved away and my family had moved well before we had our little one. Childcare is only an option if he's working full time, and even then the cost of that negates a full time job at minimum wage.

I truly feel that he underestimated looking after a toddler on his own thinking that it was probably an easier option than going to work full time. Whilst he takes her to play group on Friday's I think he feels very awkward being there with all the other mums and him normally being the only man there. I often look after her on the weekends to try and give him a break but simply don't think it's enough. It doesn't help either that we only get to spend about 20 mins to half an hour together as a family by the time that I get home before he's off to work.

He's got to lower her expectations. There is a limited amount a 16mo can follow instruction, they have only been on this Earth 16 months after alll. Shouting will just make things worse. With young children consistency and patience are key. You just have to keep reminding them gently and eventually they'll get it. It's worrying though because I'm another year or two your lo really will develop their own mind and push back and test boundaries more and if he's losing his temper now it will just get worse and your lo will start to fear their dad (if they don't already). He needs to think about what kind of relationship he's building with his child , not just whether or not they do as he says. The only thing I can think of is some kind of parenting classes where a professional can advise the best way of dealing with small children. Perhaps if it came from a third part he'd be more receptive? I have to say, I couldn't stand by and let my dh regularly berate our lo. It's simply not good for their development to be raised by someone who can't show enough restraint not to resort to shouting when they don't behave how they want.

Why can you only afford childcare if he works full time? Can't he work say two days a week and have two days childcare?

Hi TigerQuoll,

For him to work a full time a couple of days a week wouldn't equate to enough money to put her into childcare and for him to get anything out of it. It's likely it wouldn't even equate to enough to put her into childcare for the amount that they charge.

Does the fact he was sacked preclude him from going back to his previous line of work?

Something needs to change drastically as he clearly needs more support. Its also hard as a sahp to be told how to parent by someone whos not around the majority of the time.

Are you prepared to drop your hours even to 4 days a week so he can get a better paid part time job and share th childcare load?

Would you be qualified for any free nursery hours when your child turns 2?

My view is that your DC would be better off in childcare all day than being parented like this even if it meant your partner's potential earnings were completely wiped out with the cost.

16m is a difficult age. I know only too well. DD is 19m. We're in a good place now but have had a rocky couple of months where I found her very challenging because I ended up sleeping deprived for various reasons. DD has a forceful personality and can be blooming hard work. Even so, she's still a baby really and we can't expect these little toddlers to just do everything to make our lives easy. They're learning, don't understand our reasoning etc... I can count on just about one hand the number of times I've shouted at DD. It's awful all round and ineffective parenting. I've had stern words with myself and have gone back to calmer more considered parenting!

I'd be concerned about the effects on a child's personality of being shouted at day in day out.

would he be receptive to reading a book or 2 about toddler behaviour? there's several well known ones put there that could be helpful. perhaps he could choose one he likes the look of. generally they all agree shouting doesn't get you anywhere and give you tools and techniques to use. they also educate so you can manage your expectations.
tbh it might be preferable for everyone of you oh gets a job even if it's just to pay for childcare. everyone might be happier and less stressed that way.
hope you find a solution for your family soon

I am not excusing his behaviour towards your DC at all but it really sounds like he's got the short end of the stick. You get to go to work at a job you love (your words) and he's stuck at home all day with toddler challenges and little conversation, then has a measly 20mins family time before going to a cleaning job just so he can have some pocket money. That sounds like such a dismal life.

As much as you love your job, there must be room for some sacrifice on your end? For both your DC and husbands sake. He sounds depressed and she's being borderline abused.

He isn't cut out for sahp. Your child is 16 months old, and should not be shouted at to the point of hysteria.

He gets very annoyed when she doesn't do as she's told (more often because she doesn't necessarily understand the instruction or because she simply doesn't want to) and will shout at her to the point at which he starts to cry hysterically.

I'm not sure I can take much more of the fighting and constant digs from him and of what I can only assume is our daughter becoming frightened of her daddy if she so much as moves in the wrong way

You are her mother. Her first line of defence. You know what you have to do to protect her, and she does need protecting from this.

I’m not really excusing him, but I’m a sahm to a 3.5 year old and 14m old. It’s mentally draining and I do often shout at my oldest a lot some days. Not really the little one though. If he’s struggling now then he’s really going to find it hard once she’s 2 and 3 and just is deliberately naughty to push his buttons (or maybe that’s just my kid?)

I understand you need enough money to pay the bills, but sometimes it’s worth it to take the financial hit and work and use childcare for everyone’s well being. Being a sahp is not for everyone

Some of these comments are plain stupid and some are very helpful.
Listen to those looking for the overview, who care about both of you and ignore the rest.