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Original poster

Xmas gift for son who doesn’t want anything to do with me

23 replies

Em4891 · 16/12/2018 21:32

Hi all,
Myself and my sons relationship has been very strained and I haven’t seen him for a number of years due to him deciding to stay with his dad once we split up .
This year my son has called me truly vile names such as a whore etc to his sister .
Which has upset me a great deal .
I am now not sure what to do with regards Xmas gifts as he has been so rude . Over last 5 years I’ve sent him birthday and Xmas gifts and never had a thank you . He’s now 15 and I think a thank you wouldn’t hurt .
Any advice I’d be grateful as I’m very confused of the right action to do .
Thank you x

OP posts:

JiltedJohnsJulie · 16/12/2018 21:38

Sorry I’m confused, you haven’t seen him for a number of years?

Calzone · 16/12/2018 21:39

I really wouldn’t bother.

Very sad for you though.

Redtartanshoes · 16/12/2018 21:41

Keep sending a card and perhaps a token gift.

My dad and I fell out when i was a similar age. He never bothered with as/my birthday and some 20 years later I think I’d find it a lot easier to contact him and offer an olive branch had he made some effort and been the grown up.

I have my own son now and can’t insgibe doing nothing. Even s card shows your care, even if he sheath appreciate
It right now

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Vitalogy · 16/12/2018 21:41

I'd send him a card with a heartfelt message saying you're so very sorry for the way things have worked out with you and he. That you love him very much and wished things could be better between the two of you. Wishing him a lovely Christmas. Gifts are of minor concern in a situation like this imo.

AuntMarch · 16/12/2018 21:42

How many years? I wouldn't thank a parent for gifts if they made no effort to fight to see me because of a decision I made as a child, because the gifts would just make me cross and even more resentful.

Notacluethisxmas · 16/12/2018 21:43

I am experiencing the same with my dd. It's not been going on as long. Just a few months. She blames me for the divorce. Her dad convinced her I left for my now partner. Which would be difficult since I hadn't even met my Dp until after we separated.

I am going with I am still her mum. I get that teenage anger isn't always reasonable. I still treat her the same. She will get the same for Christmas as ds. I still got her an advent calendar etc.

If it's not the right thing in the long run, there isn't much I can do. Right now, I believe I am doing the best thing I can think of.

Londontower · 16/12/2018 21:43

Is his behaviour likely to be a reflection of his father’s attitude towards you? I think, if it was me, I would just continue to ensure that he knows I love him, send cards and presents and hope that one day he is able to reflect on these views he has developed and feel able to approach you to explore them more objectively.

Bunnybigears · 16/12/2018 21:43

Do you pay his Dad maintenance? Or have absolutely nothing to do with him? If you dont pay anything towards supporting him Im not suprised the presents dont get a thank you. If it were my son I would send him a gift/some money for birthdays and Christmas regardless of a thank you forthcoming.

Waterlemon · 16/12/2018 21:44

As pp said - a card with heartfelt message, maybe include a high street gift card if you still want to buy a gift.

alansleftfoot · 16/12/2018 21:44

So you left when he was 10 and haven't seen him because he chose to live with his dad ? Is there a massive drip feed coming ?

Petalflowers · 16/12/2018 21:46

Teenagers are notoriously bad at saying thank-you.

However, I would send a card and gift. In years to come, he probably would appreciate the gesture. Not sending a card/gift sends a message that you don’t care about him. He may reject it, but at least you have sent a gift.

Slightlycoddled · 16/12/2018 21:55

Despite how hurtful his behaviour is in this situation (and his choice of words is really inappropriate) you are the adult. And teens need telling that they are loved even at their most unlovable. Keep the contact going. An Amazon voucher and a hand-written card should be fine. We don't know the circumstances obviously, but he may be being unduly influenced by his father or is still hurting from the divorce. Either way, he's a teen and his brain isn't properly formed yet. He may come to realise in a few years time that life isn't all black and white and if you keep contact and keep telling him you love him (even though you don't like his behaviour currently) it will make it easier for him to find his way back to you.

Original poster

Em4891 · 16/12/2018 21:56

Yes basically myself and his dad split up seceral ago . He didn’t want to live with me when we split up then things were great for a while and all of a sudden everything collapsed again and I haven’t had contact since . It’s been so hard as he’s got two younger siblings he’s never met x

OP posts:

Original poster

Em4891 · 16/12/2018 21:57

I went through a 4 year court struggle for my child

OP posts:

Original poster

Em4891 · 16/12/2018 22:02

Please don’t pass cruel judgements as there is nothing but , fight I have done for my child . I am simply asking for motherly advice

OP posts:

Hyppolyta · 16/12/2018 22:06

I agree with PP a card would be best.

Tell him you love and miss him, and include your number if he ever wants to text and say hi.

Cherries101 · 16/12/2018 22:09

I would focus your money on the kids who do want something to do with you, but suggest you send him a card and maybe a cheque so he can spend money on what he sees fit.

Original poster

Em4891 · 16/12/2018 22:16

That’s what I was thinking . Money and a nicely worded card x

OP posts:

Cherries101 · 16/12/2018 23:00

My family member was in your situation — wasted a lot of time trying to win back her son who basically let his dad use money to poison his mind against his mum. And in the meantime totally ended up neglecting her daughter who did care about her. She still wastes time faffing around with him now and he’s in his 40s (he used to, aged 12, help his dad beat her— so was an evil little man right from the start so maybe it’s differenr). Give him the card with money and just focus your time and energies on the kids who want you.

orangesandlemmings · 16/12/2018 23:05

If you have tried to get contact etc and done everything right for 5 years

I would keep doing it regardless of what he does

One day he might click

Lilacblu · 21/12/2025 20:23

I'm an older mum.. but my son hasn't spoken to me fot over 4 years.. and has told people I left him with no food(he was 19 and working) and I was in hospital ill enough to be kept in for 2 wks.. I've written 2 letters asking what I've done that was so bad.. no reply. I do wonder if it's something to do with him having ADHD and me being on the spectrum and it isnt easy..i find him really deep won't open up even when younger and I just can't understand this ongoing no contact with my own son.. he doesn't see his sister much but it's not anything she's done either. Do I send a birthday card or literally have no contact.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/12/2025 06:49

Lilacblu · 21/12/2025 20:23

That must be so incredibly difficult. There is a thread running in the Parents of Adult Children section for MNers who have DC who are NC if you think that might be helpful?

I think personally I would send the card though but then I have never been in your situation

Lilacblu · 22/12/2025 12:15

Thanks for your nice response.. I think I'll send a card. 💐💞

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