To ask for a hand hold -7 year old DD totally driving me upThe wall

[Autumnnymph]

Completely disrespectful , full on melt downs , no respect for boundaries -. She
Can be really good 98% of the time
And then it’s like someone evil got into her. I am at my wits end. I have friend into a screaming banshee just now which I hate and have locked myself in my room as I don’t want to be that Mum who is screaming but am totally at my wits end. How do I get through her when she is in one of her meltdownss? She wails , screams - my mental health is going down the drain - she just doesn’t seem to stop . Timeouts don’t work, threatening to take things away (I follow through ) only seems to make things worse.

Talking to her patiently seems to make her think she can get away with anything. I know I make her sound awful but she isn’t - she can be the kindest , most thoughtful child around and truly loving. Please tell me it just better. Anyone else faced this? She has always been a handful but I thought it would get easier - she is really struggling with self calming.

we are back to normal now with teary apologies and me feeling like a shit Mom for shouting.

Any tips on helping her calm down would really work, She gets really anxious with school tests and despite me repeatedly telling her I am proud of her for working hard and tests are just that - a way for us to know what we need to learn - she is very anxious to please.

She is in Y2 and seems to be finding the transition tough. She is a good student and won the academic prize last year so there is actually no reason for her to worry. I have flagged this with her teacher but might do so again after holidays

She’s 7. She’s old enough to understand that her behaviour isn’t acceptable. Don’t cry and apologize to her. You’re the parent. You’re in control. If you can’t reason with her in the middle of a meltdown then don’t. Just ignore her. When she calms down, then you address it. You follow through on what the consequences is of her behaviour. For example, you take her tablet away for two days because she was naughty, and didn’t listen to mummy and was screaming and acting like a baby. Don’t negotiate. Don’t back down. Don’t apologize and don’t try and reason with her in the middle of an episode

My lovely DMIL is a play therapist and recommended this book to me which I've found has some useful strategies.
The whole brain child
There's some cartoon-y type sections with stuff you can read with your DD to help her understand how and why she rages like that and other behaviour stuff.
My DS (now 9) sounds quite similar to your DD. Bright and mostly lovely but behind closed doors can have the most ridiculous meltdowns. He's been like this on and off in one form or another most of his life - I tend to think it's when he's going though some sort of 'brain-spurt' - academic or social, whatever, it just knocks him off balance and he can just unravel. It still happens from time to time, but he's getting better at spotting what's happening, and using some strategies to stop it before it gets too much iyswim. The book covers a lot of ages and situations, DS particularly likes the bit about the 'upstairs & downstairs' brain.
We chat a bit about the arguments afterwards - and he still gets punishments for unacceptable behaviour (generally in form of ipad/switch time) as I think that it's important to know that actions have consequences - you can't just 'talk your way out of it', but the book has certainly helped a lot.

@Fabaunt I don’t cry in front of her or apologise. I do end up shouting sometimes as she can push me till I snap but am working on that. Today she has lost her TV time for today and tomorrow. She seems to be beginning to spot some signs but as I told her today once she was calm - being sad about something that happened at school doesn’t give her a free ticket for unacceptable behaviour.

@shcokbrain I will read up more about it! I have started doing something sumaikr with her where we talking about Panicky Patricia and sensible Sarah etc - giving each behaviour a name she chose - Angry Agnes , Whiny Wenda etc and when the behaviour starts we do a go away blah blah come back Lovely that seems to work for minor but sometimes it’s

She can work herself into quite a stage and while part of me is livid and consequences are handed out - part of me knows I need to somehow help her learn to deal with her emotions better.

Turned out today’s drama was nexuses she got a few timetable answers wrong and the teacher told her she needed to practice more before she gets the next card. Dad knows the answers but gets so stressed her mind goes blank I think! I have told her it doesn’t matter and we will practice more until she is confident enough and that we can start working on what’s in the other card at home if she wants.

@shockedballoon I mean ! My brain is in shock I guess /shrug

I have now ordered the book on Kindle and will start reading it tonight