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Parenting

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Original poster

To go or not to go...

19 replies

Naughty4yrold · 11/12/2018 14:11

I've NC as some of the details are a tad outing!

So my 4.5 year old has been having some behavioural issues of late (defiance, name calling, cheek, demanding).
We did a behaviour chart before which worked and we had started it up again yesterday. We had planned on taking her to see Santa today and for pizza. This morning she was a nightmare. Point blank refused to get dressed for school and then cried for 20 minutes because I eventually lost it and shouted at her.
I told her going to school today that if her teacher told me she was behaved that would would go but if not then we wouldn't be going today.
When I collected her I was told she had shouted and banged her fists on the table and as a consequence had to be sat out and wasn't allowed out to play. I've told her now as a result that we're not going to see Santa.
I got a tad upset as I've a lot going on at the minute and rang Dh to tell him we wouldn't be meeting him.
Anyway I've since calmed down. Dd has apologised for her behaviour and now I don't know what to do.
Dh thinks I should follow through with my punishment but my mum thinks I should take her but have Santa warn her if her behaviour continues there will be no presents. My mum thinks her behaviour isn't really that much out of the ordinary for a 4 yr old and the punishment is a bit severe... plus as she says it's Christmas.

So mumsnetters... what do I do?

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OriginallyfromLA · 11/12/2018 14:16

I'd be lenient because it's Christmas! She's been punished at school and has apologised. That's enough to re-instate the treat in my view :)

blackcat86 · 11/12/2018 14:18

Do not take her under any circumstances. What's the point in setting consequences if you're not going to follow them through. If my child behaved like that at school I would be absolutely mortified and there is no way they would be leaving their room this evening let alone trotting off on a jolly to see santa.

IDontWantToBuildASnowman · 11/12/2018 14:34

She is only 4.5 and is probably exhausted by this point in the school term, and if anything like my DC completely out of normal routine both at home and school due to Christmas and all the extra stuff that goes on. My youngest DC's teacher even commented that they are all behaving worse than normal due to a combination of tiredness, excitement and change to routine, and my DC is 3 years older than yours. Can you maybe suggest that you go to see Santa another day? Also, and not preaching here, but I have learned the hard way to make sure you only threaten what you are willing to carry out, as I agree with others about sticking to your guns - otherwise your threats will have zero impact in future.

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Original poster

Naughty4yrold · 11/12/2018 14:40

See normally she's quite good in school that's why after I had shouted at her this morning I told her if she behaved in school it take her. Problem is if we don't go today it's going to be Monday or Tuesday of next week before we can go again.

I do know I need to stick to my guns but I actually don't think she fully understands her actions need consequences.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2018 14:41

Never threaten a consequence you won’t follow through with.

Original poster

Naughty4yrold · 11/12/2018 14:42

I know wolfie... I just assumed she's behave today in school

OP posts:

INeedNewShoes · 11/12/2018 14:44

I don't think you should have made that particular consequence but because you did you need to follow through on it.

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2018 14:45

The trouble is she’s very young and struggling to control her emotions. Consequences need to be immediate and proportionate.

twoundertwo54321 · 11/12/2018 14:47

Gosh it's a hard one. I would say that you need to agree with your husband on it. He thinks you should follow through presumably because he has seen her behaviour up closer than your mum and so I'd be inclined to stick to your guns. If you do you can now say she has another chance to go another day when her behaviour improves which might motivate her and maybe go at the weekend?

Fabaunt · 11/12/2018 14:49

Don’t take her today. You clearly outlined what would happen, and she was naughty anyway. You need to follow through. Do not make statements you are unwilling to follow through on

Original poster

Naughty4yrold · 11/12/2018 14:51

See Wolfe that's the thing. She was punished in school by not being allowed out to play.
My husband grew up with parents who gave them nothing and so sees no problem in taking son thing like this away from her.
I would happily go another day but a week away is a long time for a 4 year old!
Also she hasn't mentioned anything for the last while and is happily playing in her room.

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Mumshappy · 11/12/2018 14:51

I wouldnt take her. Bad behaviour in school in my opinion is worse than bad behaviour at home where children know they are loved no matter what. Its pointless threatening no presents unless your prepared to follow through with this. Id continue with the behaviour chart, reward the good behaviour at home but follow through with consquences every time. Id also go and see the reception class teacher see how shes getting on generally. Out of my three ive currently got one that i would class as challenging. I wish id been a lot firmer when she was younger. Its so hard but try and think of the long term. All children have their moments. Just do what you believe is right ultimately.

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2018 14:55

You said you wouldn’t go so don't. But in future never threaten a consequence you’re not happy to follow through with.

Cornishclio · 11/12/2018 15:00

I would not take her. Don't threaten to do anything you won't follow through on. Christmas or no5 kids need firm boundaries.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/12/2018 15:13

I would say not today, follow through but make it clear you will of course take her next week if her behaviour improves.

MrsVargas · 11/12/2018 15:28

Aw I wouldn't take her.
Follow through! And take her next week if she's better behaved. Stick to your guns.

Cornishclio · 11/12/2018 16:31

I also am not sure a child of that age understands consequences which are not immediate. Getting cross with her in the morning but threatening her with consequences later that day is too far away for her to understand. I could be wrong but I thought at 4 they can only understand the here and now. She is naughty in school so kept in at playtime is immediate. Not getting dressed in the morning equals no Santa and pizza in the evening is too far away. Also is the Santa treat for you and DH or her? Why not tell her she doesn't get breakfast in the morning until she gets dressed?

Original poster

Naughty4yrold · 11/12/2018 17:18

I have tried to get her to dress herself by telling her she'll go to Scholl with an empty belly but it just doesn't work.

We didn't take her in the end. We'll try go Sunday instead. It was a little treat for all 3 of us tbh. We've been having a tough time lately with some other stuff happening in the background.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 11/12/2018 17:45

Can you start by “helping” her get dressed? Give her some of the job to do herself and gradually let her do more.
Mine likes to watch some TV in the morning or go on the iPad. The rule is up, dressed, breakfasted and then ok!

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