Daddy to be feeling very anxious

[Pantana90]

I will be a dad for the first time in about 8 weeks but lately I constantly worry "what if I don't love my child?"
I have a history of anxiety throughout my life and always think worst case scenario. I think the problem is with my partner (who's amazing) that I have at times been unsure of my love for her. But she's probably the best woman I've ever known outside my mum and we have been through a lot of great times together. Everything I have said here I've also shared with her, I'm totally honest and upfront.

It's just how I am, I question everything. I would literally move heaven and earth for my partner and baby, but I don't "feel" much if you get me. That warm fuzzy feeling is very rarely there and I want it to be.
I'm determined to be the best dad I can be and will devote all my energy to my baby, so is what I'm feeling normal? There's been times when I have felt great but I just want to be able to stop questioning everything in my head. Can anyone relate? Thanks :D

I think that even if LO arrives and you’re not totally smitten, you need to fake it at first for the sake of your DW and LO. It’s a time of huge change for both of them and they both need to feel as though they are the most important things in your life.

If you are constantly having negative thoughts, have you thought of doing CBT?

My dh has similar worries, he didn't feel excited or overwhelming love before our lo was born but it all changed when she was here. He says he thinks it's different as a dad, or for him anyway, that it didn't feel like the baby was a real thing until she was there.

She's 3 now and they are inseparable, they have an amazing bond and he loves her more than he ever thought possible.

Don't know if that helps at all, but you're not alone in that worry x

The problem is, at the moment you are imagining love as a sentiment: something that has to "feel right". But love for a small baby is very much about action: it's about being right there, changing its nappies, holding it close to you, talking to it. You don't need to wait for the warm fuzzy feeling to do those things- you just DO them and that IS love.

Ha, my DH openly admits he’s not a fan of babies and actively avoided DD2 when he could opt to take DD1 out places instead. He’s much more involved now she’s 16 months, so more “fun”! Don’t expect it to be instantaneous!

Rodent01, this seems to suggest that it's fine for Daddy to opt out if he doesn't feel an instantaneous connection. What if Mum doesn't feel one either? Does baby bring up itself until it's of an age to be amusing, or is it Mum who just gets to grit her teeth?

Personally, I think you are much more likely to get a happy parenting experience, OP, if you just accept that you ARE the parent, and you will get on with doing these jobs whether you're a fan or not. It will give you confidence to be able to say "I was involved from day one".

I think it's different for everyone. My dh felt a sense of the responsibility from day 1 I. E. I will take care of that baby as it needs me. As personalities develop, you bond on different levels.

I know its hard but you need to focus on not over analysing at the start. All that baby needs is the physical care initially - feeding, bathing, nappy changes etc. They won't know if you didn't bond immediately. Just get yourself ready for the hard work at the star and the feelings will come. Maybe instantly, maybe not.

I don't know anyone that doesn't love their baby after a few years. I know lots who had the "what have I done worry". It's life changing and can be a lot to deal with.

I would say, it doesn’t matter what you feel, as a clearly responsible loving partner and father, you just keep on looking after your partner while she gives birth and takes on this massive new role with you, and then take care of both of them. If you are like anyone else your feelings will vary hugely - excited, overwhelmed, scared, angry, frustrated, happy, irritated, exhausted, loving, anxious, loved, brave, stupid, amazed. Just ask yourself every day, what does partner need, what does baby need, and then if there’s time, what do I need.

My DH has add and he really struggled to find a bond with our baby when I was pregnant. However when our son arrived he cut the cord, put on his first nappy and clothes and spent time with him in hdu. He is now a brilliant daddy who loves his son so much and let's him climb all over him etc. Please don't worry. You will bond with your child once they arrive.

@Cory I was trying to give a bit of lighthearted support, genuinely babies aren’t that interesting - once they smile / show personality, they turn into a hugely different person. So if the op finds it hard at first, give it time!

One thing that really helped my DH was holding them while I delivered the placenta and had a bath. By the time I came back from the bath he had an overriding urge to take care of them, even if the love hadn’t arrived yet.

Don’t set expectations about it being love at first sight. Sometimes it takes a little time. Good luck