Tips to help mum (and me) cope

[squidman]

First time poster (I think)

Have a super cute 1yo with DW, but the baby just won't sleep. She only naps between 1-2 hours a day (total).

She won't sleep properly at night, either up every hour or awake for hours at a time.

Exclusively BF, so I can't help with feeds.

Got to be up early for work, DW is stay at home. She's amazing at trying to give me the rest I need to focus during the day, but it's hard on her and I help as much as I can. But I just feel useless. Frequently laying in bed just listening to screaming knowing if I try and help it just makes it worse and thus it's not wanted help. I've told her I'm there if needed, but I feel that any more reassurance along those lines is just winding her up.

I cook when I get in (if it's not already done and that is not something I expect as a matter of course), I feed and bathe the baby when I can, I aim to leave the kitchen clean with everything washed and all the toys cleared away every night, I play with baby so DW can get some time to herself, I've read the the guides about how dads can do more to help, and as far as I can tell, I'm either doing it, or it's not practical.

And I KNOW I've got it easy. I'm not there WITH the baby. I catch some sleep when the screaming stops, but DW is still holding her. I can't talk about how I'm not coping, or about how I just feel like crying all the time because it's worse for DW and it would just be a giant case of Hey, I wan't you to expend yet MORE emotional energy dealing with my sh*t because I can't, even though you can

I ache, daily, for how powerless I am to help. I would give anything to make it easier on the person I married... But I just can't work out what I can give.

And on top of that, it's winter and wet and cold and dark so evening walks are out. Traffic is getting worse so I'm getting home later. I'm burning out at work, but taking any sort of day off for me would be a giant FU for the struggles of DW...

Anyone out there think of anything I can do to help wifey out?

Pfft. That sounds tough. Firstly, does your DW want to be at home? You are saying she is struggling. I did with both of mine and am glad to go to work for a rest!
Do you have any family nearby who can take baby for an hour or 2 in the week or at the weekend to give you both some space?

She had hoped to go back to work part time, but it fell through. But being BF and with such sh*te naps, I don't know how any sort of child care could work.

If she wanted to find a different job, I would fully support, but it doesn't seem to be a particular desire at the moment.

We do have local(ish) family, and occasionally we have had them take baby for a bit, but I don't feel like I can ask as it's her family and I don't think mine would really cope at the moment.

I think perhaps the best thing you can do is ask how she's coping and what things would help her. We are all different and I find that my husband tends to want to help but then does things he thinks will be helpful rather than asking me what would be helpful.
Things we do as a family to help: take turns for night feeds (I know you can't do this, but perhaps at the weekend you could get up with baby after morning feed so she can lie in - I imagine baby isn't feeding that much in the day anymore), give each other an hour off one evening a week to retreat (she could have a bath/ read a book/ switch off), visit family and dump the kids for an hour or 2 and go out just the two of us, socialise with friends when baby is in bed (not sure how well yours goes down, but if you get some down time in the evening invite some friends over), I went back to work first time and will be returning again in a few weeks.
We have 2 under 2 (eldest will be 2 at the end of the month, youngest is 6 months). It's tough but it is only short lived!

Your baby is 1. Would your wife consider introducing cows milk for the night time feeds (or one of them) so that you could help out?
If finances stretched to a sleep consultant I would honestly recommend you get someone in to help you both break this cycle of non-sleep and screaming, it sounds hell for all of you.

Will baby sleep in a pram? You could take them out for a walk after the morning feed on weekends (garden centers are great this time of year as my bbay likes the lights and settles due to staring) also fish at garden centres are free zoos!
Your dw could then sleep in etc or have. 2 hrs to herself for a nap

Childcare will work fine - I have had two breastfed babies that only liked to sleep whilst held. The contrary so and so's both napped at nursery like a dream, and did so from the day they started. So, you could give it a try? Even 1 day or a couple of mornings could help.

I had a terrible sleeper. Up 4 times a night until 17 months. You honestly sound like you are doing everything you can to help which is really great. The only thing I can think of is taking the baby out for a couple hours on Saturday/Sunday morning so she can chill?

For both of you, it's a bit of trial and error. My son only slept naps for 40 minutes until a year. He went down to one nap then and its bliss. It's much easier to manage and I'm not lying in a dark room hours every day to try and get him to sleep.
She could try weaning her if they are both ready but I certainly wasnt until near 17 months.
You could try putting her in a bed? My son never ever settled in a cot, he just cried and cried.
She may need to prioritise rest, whether that means going to bed a bit earlier or having one nap a day.
She could try cosleeping?

It does get better by the way, my son since 20 months has slept through and settles himself in his own bed. I'm scared to jinx it! Never ever thought we would get there

You are a super lovely dad and husband. Great idea to post on Mumsnet.

We were in a v similar position (dd didn't sleep til she was 2)
Yes it was horrendous. Many days for me as mum were just getting through the day. And my DH was very like you. And we just hung in there, kept going and got though it.

No 'who is more tired contests', lots of hugs and time got us through it.

Do ask the in laws to help more.

And a bf baby will manage in childcare! I learnt that from a very experienced la leche league lady. And my DD would nap and sleep on her nan's bed, whereas for me would only sleep on my knee in a cuddle.

This is a phase, even if it is an awful one, and it will pass eventually.

Just be nice to each other, take care

Consider showing your wife your post and the advice you’ve been given.

If my husband had written what you have it would make me feel appreciated and loved to read it. And hopefully would prompt me to explain to him exactly the best ways he could help

Does your DW ever try pumping breast milk? I do it every evening once my dd is asleep so my DH can do a shift in the morning and let me have a wee lie in. It's made a massive difference to us.

This sounds like my life.

I have a 16 month old BF who is awful overnight. He will wake 2-3 times every night and only I can settle him.

My husband sleeps in the spare room which I truly don’t mind because I always end up co-sleeping with our son anyway. If the night time crying is persistent he will always come in and ask if he can help.

I get about 5-6 hours sleep a night which is broke up in 2-3 separate chunks.

I also have a 4 year old and I also work.

I am exhausted most of the time.

My husband is amazing in that he knows I have the rough end of the deal so does all he can to ensure I get a break. On Saturday and Sunday he will take the children downstairs at 6am ( that’s when I wake) so I can have a lie in.

He cooks about 5 evenings a week when he comes home and he minds the children whilst he does it and sends me upstairs to have 30 minutes peace.

More often than not he will bathe the children so I can have some time to myself before the bedtime routines begin and the awful night commences.

Also, once a fortnight I have a night away from home so I can get an uninterrupted night’s sleep and a lie in.

At the weekend he will take both boys out for 3-4 hours so I can rest and usually get some sleep.

The nights I’m away from home are very difficult for my husband as our youngest cries for me and for feeds but he deals with it because he has to. No harm is going to come to a 1 year old baby just because breast milk isn’t available during the night. My husband acknowledges that no matter how hard the night is and how little sleep he gets it is nothing compared to me having to deal with the same crap 7 days a week.

It sounds like you want to do everything you can to help and so my advice is to give your wife as much childfree time as you can so she can rest and recuperate. And pack her off somewhere for a night so she can get a decent sleep because although the baby won’t be happy about his mum not being there overnight nothing bad is going to happen to him.