Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

Original poster

Disipline for nearly 3 year old

19 replies

s098 · 07/12/2018 12:52

My dd is 3 next month and i think we've managed to avoid the terrible 2s but recently she's starting to test me.
I'm struggling to find a way of telling her off that she listens too. She's not really really naughty but I'd like her to listen and not just smirk when i tell her something.
I've tried saying something will be taken away eg today it was her advent calender which I've hidden for now but she doesn't seem to care.
Any tips on ways to get her to understand a bit more?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Jackshouse · 08/12/2018 07:48

Consequences need to be immediate. Taking away chocolate for tomorrow is too far away for her to comprehend it.

She is not tearing you. She is just being a toddler. What do you mean she is not listening? What kinda of things are you saying? How is she reacting that makes you think she is not listening? You need to make sure there are no distractions eg TV, physically get down to her level, speak in short concise setences and ask her to tell you what Mummy has just said. Toddlers have poor impulsive control though and just because she heard it does not mean she can do.

Original poster

s098 · 08/12/2018 21:30

The chocolate wasn't taken away for the next day, she hadn't had one for that day. I'm not asking her to do anything complicated for her age. Id just like her for example not to keep running away from me in a shop.
Obviously usual toddler behaviour but at some point she needs to learn not to do things so hence the reason I'd like her to listen why I'm telling her not to.

OP posts:

nuttyknitter · 08/12/2018 21:38

The Latin root of the word discipline means to teach. Discipline and punishment are not the same thing. To discipline a three year old you need to adjust your expectations so that you are not expecting more than is age appropriate and talk calmly about your expectations. Taking away treats is cruel and pointless.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

Chocolateandcarbs · 08/12/2018 21:45

I find asking my child to do something twice and then counting to 5 if they still aren't following the instruction helps.

I work on 1 or 2 rules at a time (at age 2-3 it was generally things like - Be Gentle and Stay with Mummy, etc)

We had real issues with food so sticker chart

Putting away things that caused real issues (e.g. child throwing ball in house = ball goes away until we go outside)

Our major consequence is a timeout in the hallway 1min for every year of age. This only happens about twice a month and is very effective for us.

We always talk about what happened afterwards when child is calm again.

Chocolateandcarbs · 08/12/2018 21:46

I avoid getting drawn into discussions and negotiations as much as possible too!

happyclutterchucker · 08/12/2018 21:47

You have to be able to either physically prevent her from running away in the shop, or to drop everything and immediately frogmarch her all the way out of the shop and back home/to the car.

She's not quite at the age yet where she can process reasonable explanations and then resist the temptation to do what she wants. She won't quite yet understand why you are telling her not to do something. Reasoning takes time to develop.

I saw someone the other day with exactly the same problem with a small girl who kept running away in a shop. She went and got her, and then firmly held on to her hand to stop her doing it again.

We were all treated to several minutes of the kid struggling to pull away and screaming like a banshee, but at least she didn't run out of the door and into the street.

Wolfiefan · 08/12/2018 21:53

She’s two. Hold on or put her in a buggy.
Don’t count. What happens when you get to three?!?!
Plan and prevent behaviour you don’t want whenever possible.

Heartofglass12345 · 08/12/2018 21:54

I would try having a word with her before you do things. Like saying ' we're going in the shop now, you need to stay by mummy and not run away ok?' in a firm voice, just before you go in. It might be worth telling her the consequences of not listening, eg if you do run away we will go home straight away and you won't be able to have your treat. It's worth a try as she knows what you expect of her before you go.

Chinks123 · 08/12/2018 22:08

Dd was very strong willed and taking things away never worked, she’d just stand and argue the toss until I lost my patience. I quickly learnt to simply say why her behaviour was unacceptable, and exactly what was going to happen if she continued. Then that’s it, you follow up on it, and don’t get drawn into a debate Sometimes unfortunately that involves a bit of a kick off in public, but giving in for an easy life does more damage in the long run.

Only last week I said to dd at the bus station “I’ve told you what was going to happen, you’ve chosen not to listen to me. I won’t be discussing this anymore until you’re nice and calm” and then ignored her behaviour. It was embarrassing in public but an old lady came up and said “well done for not giving in!”

Original poster

s098 · 09/12/2018 07:11

Thank you to the people that gave advice rather than try and make me feel like a bad parent.
She's a very active child and loves to walk so hasn't been happy to go in a buggy for a long time so that would just cause other issues.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 09/12/2018 08:33

Sometimes they have to do things they don’t want to. You have to hold on to her or have her in a trolley/buggy in order to keep her safe.

whatswithtodaytoday · 09/12/2018 08:36

Reigns? I know my mum used them with me and swore by them when I was too little to understand danger.

SexNotJenga · 09/12/2018 08:47

Lots and lots of praise for everything she does that is good. She should get more attention from you when she's behaving well.

Advance notice of what you want her to do - but only just in advance. She's too little to have much concept of time. So just before you go in the shop "I want you to hold mummy's hand while we are inside". When you are in the shop after a minute "You're doing such a good job of holding my hand!" and when you leave "you held my hand the whole time! Well done!" and a hug.

Re: the concept of time. Any negative consequences need to be immediate or she won't make the connection. "do x or you won't get y tomorrow" is too big a gap. And never offer a consequence you aren't fully prepared to carry out. Things like "do x or you won't get any Christmas presents" is not a good idea, for example, because that would spoil Christmas for everyone.

Same with rewards. Rewards for good behaviour should be as immediate as possible, and it should be something you are prepared to withhold if you don't get the behaviour you want. So "if you do x for a month we will go on a holiday next summer" is not great, because a) the time lag and b) if she doesn't do x, you then can't go on holiday. Rewards for good behaviour can be free, small things. High fives. Half an hour playing with you. Baking. Choosing what to have for dinner, within reason.

The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webster-Stratton has some really good ideas in it.

SexNotJenga · 09/12/2018 08:51

Re: safety. Most kids don't develop an understanding of what danger is until they're about 5 or so. It's not really naughtiness, they don't see it the same way you do. So to keep her with you in a shop or when crossing the road you'll need to either a) have really clear rules about these situations and train her to follow them using lots of praise and rewards or b) physically restrain her, whether that's holding her hand, reins or buggy.

MessyBun247 · 09/12/2018 08:53

My DD2 will be turning 3 at the end of January. She has been SERIOUSLY pushing boundaries this past couple of weeks. She’s always been on the er....strong willed side but this is something else.

She’s knows exactly what she is doing and I think just wants to see how far she can go.

I have been VERY firm with her. If I say no then next time she does it (which will be 2 seconds later) there are consequences ie taking whatever it is away, or moving her away. Cue lots of fake crying but it has to be done. Just don’t give in.

My DD1 never had a tantrum in her life so this is all new to me, it’s tiring!

ImogenTubbs · 09/12/2018 08:56

I know not everyone is a fan but we do the counting to three thing. It only works if you make it very clear what will happen if you get to three and the behaviour has continued and if you always follow through on the threat. If they learn that you don't have the courage of your convictions it loses all meaning. Also the threat needs to be something tangible and immediate - not 'we won't go to the park this afternoon' and definitely never 'I will lose my temper' (that one can be a complete disaster). I try very hard to never make either a promise or a threat that I can't deliver. It's by no means a perfect method, and I'm sure it doesn't work on all kids, but these days we very rarely get to three.

So just to be clear, "please come here now. If you don't come here by the time I count to three I will throw this juice box that you want in the bin. 1..., 2..., 3..." Not, "I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to lose my temper!"

insancerre · 09/12/2018 08:59

Tell her what she can do instead of what she can’t do
Give her some responsibility, eg holding the money to pay or helping to choose what you are buying
Make it fun instead of a chore, set her challenges or make a list
And be consistent
Also keep praising the good behaviour

ImogenTubbs · 09/12/2018 09:04

Also - and this may be quite specific to DD - but she can get very worked up and not be able to manage her emotions (they are only little after all). When I see she gets like this I tell her the behaviour I expect and then tell her I am going to give her a few minutes to think about it so she can calm down. We've never had to go as far as the naughty step or time out, but sometimes she just literally needs a bit of time to process all her frustration. She is a bit older now (5) but we started this when she was quite small.

lovely36 · 09/12/2018 12:57

I completely understand what you're trying to say and I agree with you. When you ask her for example to not run away from the store. Prior to going into the shop, get down to her level and with a very stern voice tell her "we are going into the shop so I need you to stay with me by my side. IF you decide to run away, listen to me, I will put you in the trolley(cart) (or whatever consequence you wanna give her)
And when you go into the shop do as you said she does run away. Be stern. Also I read in a parenting book that when you want toddler to do something or not do something, it's important that you tell them the behaviour you want to see. For example, if you want him to stop touching something, instead of "don't touch that." Say "keep your hand next to your body. Or if you want her to not run away from you, say "stay next to me." Instead of "don't run away." I'm if it makes sense but I've tried this with my son, and it's helped a lot.

Flip