Fed up!!

[Theocdmummy]

My Mum looks after my LG whilst I work because we cannot afford childcare. She is fantastic with her however Mum will make racist/sexist/homophobic comments every now and then. My partner and I are both feminists so this makes everything uncomfortable. I nicely tell her we don’t want that said around LG but they turn rude and nasty. I don’t try and change their view because they don’t want it changed so there’s no point in getting into an arms race over it.

I’ve asked them not to discus ‘controversial’ subjects as we all disagree but it seems Mum and Dad too are set on causing drama. I bite my tongue best I can but it’s gotten to the point I don’t want to see them anymore. I don’t know how I can talk to them as ultimately they don’t respect me. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated!

Find someone else to mind your child. You have no business telling grown adults what they can or can’t talk about in their own home. If you don’t like it (and I wouldn’t like my child listening to it either) then find someone else to take care of them

I’d not be so ignorant as to tell people what they can and can’t say in their house. As I said in my op I won’t try and change her opinion. I do take issue to it being in front of my child. So is the answer to blindly stop contact with them ?

Nobody has suggested you stop contact but I wouldn’t want someone with those views looking after my child on their own, your child will take in those comments and it’ll affect how she reacts to others, if she repeats racist remarks at nursery or school it’d not look good.

I don’t want her to, it’s a needs must situation. I can’t afford to pay for child care unfortunately and we’re not entitled to any help covering the costs. I have told them not to say such things around her but that seems to cause an argument..

So basically, you expect them to mind your child because you’ve nobody else to do it, they are doing it, and you come online to complain about how they speak and want suggestions on how to dictate to grown adults on how they speak? If you don’t want your child minded by someone who you view to be ignorant, and not abiding by your values, then the onus is on you to find alternative care and not your parents responsibility to change who they are

I don’t expect anything from anyone. I expect to be respected by people especially when they are around my child. The issue is not the childcare per say although that is the reason I feel I have to maintain a relationship so I’m able to work.. the issue is more them making racist comments. My oh has a mixed family and I’d be horrified if my LG ever used racist words towards them as I said it’s not something we agree with.

That’s totally fair enough, nobody would think much of a racist. But you are using them. They’re helping you out. I wouldn’t like the KKK minding my child, so I wouldn’t leave the child with a member of the KKK. Why doesn’t your partners family mind your child for free considering you seem to expect your parents to do it? Seems like they’d cater to your ideals a little more. Leave your parents alone. They reared their own kids, if you don’t like how they are with yours then stop leaving her there. You’re coming across very entitled

I don’t think you sound entitled for the record.
Yes, they’re looking after your child which is great and a favour but of course you can still have a say in how they do it (being her parent and all!). But I suppose the issue is they aren’t listening so you need to weigh up how important it is they keep looking after her (and all the pros and cons of them doing the childcare as grandparents), and if there are any other options to explore.

And if no other options find a way to vent your frustration away from your daughter and keep raising her in the way you want too. Hopefully she won’t hear so much of their bigoted views they become her own.

Finally someone gets me!! It is just the most awkward situation I’ve experienced. But good suggestion about pros and cons list, I’d not thought of that. X

I don’t know you and you don’t know me so I’m not sure why you’ve made such judgmental comments over a post.. I’m not using anyone. I’m venting my frustrations over racist parents. Not sure where you get off being so rude.

You need to find alternate childcare, or learn to live with it. Otherwise it is like someone complaining they can't afford a car but they don't like taking the bus with all the weirdos on it.

I think people are being very harsh on OP!

My parents and in laws help with my childcare. During this time they do things I don't agree with/like such as feeding my child sugary food, too much screen time, allowing child to be rude to them/scream. I wouldn't dream of saying anything or complaining as they are doing me a huge favour and it's their rules when dc is with them. However if they were sharing racist/homophobic or offensive views with dc I would have a huge problem with this, it's completely different to saying "their house their rules".

Op it sounds like you have tried speaking to them and it has not worked. How old is your LG? Could you explain to LG that your parents have views that you don't agree with her and have a discussion about it? If she's too young I'm not sure what to suggest especially if you're backed into a corner in needing the childcare. You probably just have to try and ignore how they are as you can't force them to change xx

I think feeding sugary food and racist comments when the OH is mixed race are really not on the same spectrum.
Presumably you were well aware of your parents’ views long before they provided childcare? You can’t change who they are and you can’t stop or monitor adult conversations when they are there. I don’t see a solution other than alternate childcare.

I actually had no idea they were racist, it’s not something we’d spoken about before. Growing up I wasn’t even really aware what it was.. but recently with politics being a hot topic they feel the need to go on rants about such topics. I can assure you had I known I’d of re considered going back to work.

I’m not sure complaining about racism and taking the bus are the same thing or even remotely similar.

I mean that there's no use complaining about it if you have no choice. You'll have to either live with it or find an alternative (your partner's family, friends, or have a part-time arrangement at work).

How old are your children OP and how long have your parents been looking after them?

How long until their free hours kick in??

Nobody is saying she shouldn’t have a problem with it, I’m saying she was obviously reared with her parents speaking the same way, people don’t become racist sexist and homophobic overnight, and she clearly didn’t grow up having any of those values. I understand however why she’s upset. But she expects her parents - who have no obligation to mind her kids - to babysit for free because she can’t afford to pay anyone else, yet doesn’t like how they speak. That’s fair enough. She doesn’t have to like how they speak. I wouldn’t like it either. But then she should look after her own children or find someone else who she deems appropriate to look after her children instead of slagging off her parents on an internet forum.

I’ve never said i expect anything. You have no idea who I am as a person so why are you being so rude? I’m not complaining I’m asking advice on dealing with it because it’s never happened before now. Honestly, you are the one being rude. I’ve not said ANYTHING bad about my parents. They are for the most part fantastic. Why don’t you go be vicious elsewhere. Your nastiness isn’t wanted here.

Also, my mum asked if she could have my girl once a week. She said she’d love to be involved, I didn’t want to go back to work and it was only because she said she wanted to i did. Never the less your rudeness is not welcome here, perhaps you should check your self and why you get off on being rude to strangers on the internet.

So she only has your daughter one day a week?

You haven’t said how old she is but hopefully if she’s only exposed to your parents views once a week they won’t become entrenched in her.

She’s just two, so quite awhile away from funding. Mum has her one day whilst I work but is also the kind of person who very frequently turns up uninvited so we see her a fair bit..