What it like being a parent to a teen?

[ifoundthebread]

We hear all the time, especially when pregnant what it's like in those few early weeks. Warnings about the tiredness, night wakings etc. But after that there's nothing? Is it literally just having a mini you with an attitude? What's battles is there to prepare myself for?

They aren't all the same :)

Give me the child before he is seven and I will give you the man. Jesuit saying that applies to teenagers. Put the effort in when they are young, teach them to understand boundaries, set their moral compass, give them a strong work ethic and they’ll be fine.
Mine were delightful and much nicer as teenagers than aged 9/10 years. We did have one evening driving around trying to find alcohol impacted son who was “in a field somewhere” but he was about 17 by then.

I have loved the teenage years. Loved the people my children became, enjoyed their humour and quirks. Occasional blip but mostly bloody lovely.

They are not all the same by any means.

My advice would be get to know their friends. Allow them to come over and stay at yours, let them go to parties etc and they won't rebel so hard. A blanket no generally just means that they are still doing what you don't want them too - but you also don't know about it and therefore cannot manage the risks.

Most teenagers will have mishaps with alcohol, smoking, drugs etc but most also end up fine adults! I think this is important to keep in mind.

ps - it is very different to earlier years of parenting...

for instance, you have constant conversations when they are young about little things like if they fell out with someone in the playground etc. Then when they get to teenage years the conversations can be less but are about bigger things

I am loving the teenage years. I can’t say I have had (yet?) the attitude so many people talk about. They are just great kids that are getting more and more independent, are great to have conversations with and heart to be around.

I do agree that the best th8ng you can do is to put a lot of effort in when they are little. Learning boundaries but also independence.
Thinking about the values you want to instil so how you deal with them matches that too.
But giving them as much independence as you can, according to their age and ability makes a great difference imo, esp when you arrive at the teenage years.
When they are little/toddlers, it meant leaving them chosing their c,others and getting dressed on their own for example. Or teaching them to put their (plastic) glass and plate in the dishwasher etc...
Teaching them to cook over the hob when they are 5~6 yo etc...
So many things that they are totally able to do but we often don’t let them do either because we think they can’t do it or because it’s easier to do it ourselves

It's a bit like having a giant toddler

My 14 year old is wonderful! Kind polite and helpful.

Depends! I have a 14 year old and she is lovely and kind, bit moody and hangs out in her room a lot but no attitude. She's never be rude to me - she wouldn't dare . But then she's not at the proper going out stage so who knows what will happen. The hardest part is that she has struggled socially and it's been very difficult for her at school - and for us to watch!

Cherrypavlova I have four kids same parents, same rules. Very different teenagers!!

They are all still a work in progress. They were good babies and easy toddlers.

I have two teens, and also 3 teenage DSC. As people have said above, they are all different, and all of them still recognisably the same people they were when younger.

But overall, compared with younger kids they are:

• much less tiring - you don't need to be with them all the time. You get a lie in in the mornings, you can leave them on an evening, and if you put the effort into teaching them they can cook dinner for you sometimes.
• a bit more private, no longer needing to tell you every detail on their lives
• more inclined to push boundaries, ignore rules you set and lie about where they are.
• need parenting more than they want it, and at unpredictable times.
• less cute and more smelly!
• much more interesting company with ideas of their own

A lot of the time mine are low maintenance. They get themselves up and off to school independently, help with the chores and can be good company. However, when there's a crisis and they need me, it's rarely something I can solve for them and make everything OK.

So the easy parts of parenting become easier, but the hard parts become harder.

Good bits

They are independent, interesting, funny.
Lovely to see them interact with each other
Great to overhear conversations in the car/kitchen etc between them and their friends
Watching the next milestone is lovely - driving licence/first girlfriend/prom/high school graduation etc.

Cons
The problems they do have are bigger and you have less control over solving their problems- one of mine had mh issues and it was truly hard.
They are less likely to want to do things with us. So all those sundays going for walks/picnics/zoo etc have dwindled to a walk in the woods with the dog at Thanksgiving and Christmas. But that's ok too.

I can see this stage of my life being over very soon - I thought it would go on forever but it really doesn't (as someone said about small children, the minutes go by like years and the years go by like minutes)

So the easy parts of parenting become easier, but the hard parts become harder.

great way to put it.

For me they have been very challenging. And as you say there aren’t really any groups to help. It’s down to us parents to adjust how we have been. My DS at the moment is particularly rude,’moody, angry and difficult. I feel like I am bereft, the happy go lucky boy he was seems to have disappeared.

My eldest is 14 and has always been quite good natured and still is. The cool horrible kids at primary weren't that nice to her, which I found stressful, but she's had a happier time at secondary as she's got a lovely, drama free group of friends and the mean kids don't bother her. She's not stroppy but tends to leave homework to the last minute and gets distracted when she's supposed to be getting out of the house. That's a pain but she's a nice kid

Mine are far more enjoyable at 15 & 13 than they were at 10 & 12. I don't have any problems other than getting them out of bed for school and the mess!
I am well aware that this could all change but I wish I could have skipped most of the younger years. They were hard.

Very envious of all these parents of delightful teens. I don't think we failed to put the effort in when ours was younger but bloody hell the teenage years can be tough.

Mental health difficulties, identity struggles, hormones and all the rest can take their toll.

Good communication is key but I don't think you can mitigate the risk of difficulties however fabulous your parenting might be!

My four are 13-18, so we're still in the middle of it, but I have two tips. They might seem to contradict each other, but there is a balance.

1. Try to avoid solving things for them every time they face a difficulty. Encourage them to talk things through with you, then support them in learning to cope with challenges themselves.

2. Make sure they know they can always come to you for support, without fear of judgement. When our eldest was 17, he phoned us at 3am from a party/sleepover because he was worried about a friend's safety and wellbeing.

They're all different. I'm lucky enough to have two who are mostly lovely. We've had our difficult times, made worse by issues with their father becoming an alcoholic, us splitting up, him dying. But they haven't gone off the rails; instead we have pulled closer as a family of three. They are definitely easier than they were at 9-10 years old. A lot of the toddler strategies still work - calm, strong and clear boundaries - but you just use different language. I'm going to miss them like mad when they go off to uni and into their own adult lives.

I find it really challenging (& I haven’t got a particularly ‘difficult’ teenager)’ I had a very, very easy baby/toddler so maybe it’s payback time .

The worse bit for me is the way my DS treats me (not all the time) with utter contempt and rudeness, then he can ‘switch’ and be positively charming. Petty arguments about using the car/choice of tv etc. Yes, I realise it could be a lot worse.

I am looking forward to the University years and peace at home.

My eldest ds is 13. He was a very challenging baby toddler and younger child moody, angry and generally difficult. Had a few austitic traits I think and found it hard to make friends.

He started to change from about age 7/8 and is now delightful, polite, easy going and has lots of friends. I cant believe its the same child.

TheFirst definitely agree with yours ... our two are easy going and laid back, but we try to emphasise 'there is no problem so big it can't be sorted out' and try to listen and talk them through stuff ... drawing them to their own conclusions. I realise we are very lucky with them.

Our teens haven't given us many sleepless nights just yet.

But I know of families with absolutely fabulous parents (people we have known for 30ish years and would trust with our lives) who have had tremendous problems with their teens. Peer pressure and mental health issues can change everything, and parents with "easy" teens would do well not to be judgemental of those who have a rockier ride.

What the others have already said. By this age, they are people, just as different from each other as adults.

My eldest was quite unwell for most of her teens: chronic pain condition and MH problems, so that was difficult for all of us. But she was always a nice person and I enjoyed her company very much.

Ds keeps himself more to himself, but again is a really nice person: kindly, polite, with a dry sense of humour.

Wouldn't say it's like having a mini me: dd is a completely different personality to me, and ds and I don't have a single interest in common. But that's fine, they are their own people, and I like the people they are.