Feel like a crap mum to DS1 since having DS2

[masterstef]

My 4-year-old son goes to nursery 3 days/week, I'm currently on mat leave with my 9 month old DS2. As I'm off work I'd hoped to drop DS1's nursery days a bit (maybe down to 2 per week) to spend more time with him but to be honest it's really hard with a baby and I'm not sure he has the nicest time at home with me.

I knew the first 6 months would be tough so appreciated having the 3 days just with the baby (apart from nursery pickup) but even at 9 months I'm finding it hard to juggle both - they're fine playing at home or the odd trip out but I feel like I can't spend 'quality' time with DS1 (he asks me to play with him every 5 minutes!) as I've always got a nappy to change, baby to feed, baby to put to sleep (so he has to watch TV or play on his own quietly as DS2 takes a while to put down), get myself ready which takes forever with DS2 literally clinging to my legs all the time, get their lunches/teas ready etc, clean up afterwards.
and the baby needs constant watching as he'll try and climb on something/ pull something over etc even in our fairly safe play room.

DS1 is at an age where he wants to play with lego, or paint, etc so I can't just let the baby loose while I do that with him.

We do go out but I do find myself trying to time it around the baby's naps and annoyingly he really won't sleep in the pushchair! So he tends to get tired and I feel pressured to get us all home.

I feel guilty for feeling relieved on his nursery days so I can concentrate on the baby (whose sleep is crap so I'm permanently shattered too). He gets on really well at his nursery (and they do wonderful thing) so I know I don't really have to feel too bad but I feel like at home I'm always yelling 'wait a minute' or 'hurry up so we can get out of the house' to try and fit around the baby!

Weekends are fine as DH is around and we can give both of them our attention!

Your maternity leave is to bond with and take care of your baby, it’s also good for your son to stay in his usual routine as I imagine the change at home would be enough for him to cope with

Can you get a playpen like the attached image? It has activities on the inside wall (turning cogs, buttons etc) and a closable door. You could put DS2 in there plus some toys and then spend a few minutes playing with your DS1.

My DD2 is 8 weeks with DD1 (3yo) in full time nursery. I totally know the feeling!
Saying that DD1 is so much happier in nursery. I had to have her off a lot in the first 6 weeks after DD2 arrived, we had visitors from abroad, a bereavement and illness. Last week was her first full week on her normal routine. It made SUCH a difference! She was behaving better and so much happier in herself, less jealous too.

So while I feel bad; I know it’s best for everyone!

Oh it sounds really hard. The playpen idea sounds good. I wonder if it’s also giving yourself permission to stop and just play in the moments you are able to, and choosing to let other tasks wait. DD2 is 10 wks and DD1 nearly 3, she’s starting nursery next month and I can’t wait but feel a bit guilty about this too. I find myself not being arsed to play when she wants to even if baby asleep or content, sometimes I’d rather just use that time to catch up on jobs which seems less effort somehow. So I’m trying to invest a bit more in what she wants to do. It’s hard how much more needy she is since baby has come along, she’s not yet really able to play by herself when directed for too long so only option is to rely on tv when I need the space.

It sounds like you’re really doing your best whilst exhausted. Try not to add guilt into the mix - it never achieves anything. And you’re not too far away from a time they can play together a bit more. Also dc2’s naps should change in a few months giving you a bit more flexibility to go out. Hang in there and pat yourself on the back!