Tips to help boyfriend prepare for baby

[N489]

Hi Guys,

It could be hormones but I'm not satisfied with the way my boyfriend is preparing for our baby. At first he was very excited and was looking into preparing for the baby a lot (even more than me), but I feel like his efforts have been lacking lately.

I am still very early in my pregnancy but for example, I had my booking appointment yesterday and he showed little interest in finding out what happened. He barely text me and I had found out that he'd been texting his mates having full-blown conversations all throughout the day and going on social media. Yet not managed to ask about my appointment. I was very hurt that our baby came last after work, mates, acquaintances AND Instagram and it felt like he was not behaving maturely. He is also drinking often and bringing alcohol to bed when I have asked him not to.

He is not a bad person, not an alcoholic, incredibly loyal and has good morals. However, his upbringing and his lifestyle for 11 years has been very lax. He has always been immature and never had responsibilities or purpose until he met me (his words not mine!) So I get that it's hard to transition after 29 years. He is very thankful for the help and lessons he's learnt from me and often praises me for being the one to help him change into a better person. So while it does infuriate me (massively) I know he never means harm and that this is the way he has been programmed.

I would like to know if there is anything I should ask him to take responsibility for in terms of the baby, or if there's any tips you can give me to help him. He says he struggles sometimes because he has "never done this before" but neither have I and I find myself doing everything now. He doesn't get that I am so exhausted (1st trimester) so I come home from work and I really don't want to clean up after his mess.

Would really appreciate some help!

There is a really good called commando Dad. You will need the one which includes pregnancy. It covers exactly what you need him to do.

Commando dad: raw recruits. Short, simple and to the point. It’s written and ex marine commando who was a stay at home dad.

If you're considering antenatal classes bring him along. Ask him to help pick baby things eg cot, car seat etc.

It is very different for the parent who has an actual baby growing inside their body, from being the parent for whom it is all a bit theoretical. Your body is changing. You feel different. He hasn't got any of that.
My dh was brilliant with our babies, but not really particularly involved before he met them.

Maybe he is doing this thing for now because by the time when the baby is born he can't do these things anymore. His attention will focus on your baby, a full-time dad. This is my opinion only.

I think its nice for both parents to know how the baby is growing, get an app and read the weekly updates together. Get him used to doing the house chores now before the baby comes along, and once the baby is here make sure you pass the baby to him (dont get in a habit of thinking that if you breastfeed, the baby need only ever be with you and he cant even change a nappy).

Why is he bringing alcohol to bed?

Right now, doing stuff for the baby equates to being a good partner. Cleaning up his own mess would be a start. You do not want to end up caring for two children!

You can help him do that by not cleaning up the mess he has made.

Drinking often? How much?

You've only just had your booking appointment. You're still a long way from having your baby in your arms. And nothing happens at a booking appointment. It's a history-taking, that's all. There's really nothing for him to add at this stage.

You don't really sound like you like him very much. And maybe you have cause, I don't know. Men who are nearly 30 and still completely irresponsible, even if they aren't fathers or husbands, are quite likely to stay that way. If you've always cleaned up his mess, he's unlikely to become someone who cleans up his own just because you're pregnant or you have a baby. But you're just going to have to tell him straight that he needs to step up. Why would a book he isn't particularly interested in reading change his mind if hearing directly from you about the impact of his behaviour in you doesn't?

My husband didn’t like talking about the baby in early pregnancy as he was so worried that the pregnancy wouldn’t be successful. He didn’t want to get attached when he knew there were so many risks and kind of pretended it wasn’t happening. Could this be what’s happening here?

Once my symptoms kicked in I had a bit of a conversation with him to explain that I understood how he felt but that basically ignoring the pregnancy until 12 weeks wasn’t an option for me as it was impacting my lifestyle and body so much. He understood then and became much more supportive.

I think your still super early for him to fully get excited in a few weeks once the scans start and baby starts moving he will probably be more interested there is a saying that a mother becomes a mum once she is pregnant however a dad doesn't become a dad until that baby is born. Congratulations with your pregnancy I've got my booking in appointment soon as my partner hasn't spoke about it but is a amazing dad to our son x

Was baby a truly joint and fully planned conception? Or was this completely driven by you . ?

How do you propose to support baby longterm after Mat Leave ?

As someone who is so much more mature and responsible than your partner I'm extremely surprised you have not married prior to deciding to have a child. as you have no legal protection (should you be needing him to support you whilst baby is little and you have childcare to pay or plans to be a sahm)

How do you mean he was excited at first? If you’ve only just had your booking appointment it must still be really early - do you mean he was only excited for a couple of weeks? I wouldn’t worry too much, it all gets more real once you have the 12 week scan :)

He brings alcohol to bed when you've asked him not to, he leaves his mess for you to clean up and pays no attention to you or the baby. What are his good points?

Thanks for your responses. Feel like I need to address some things here as a few of you seem to think badly of my partner. Maybe that’s the way I have portrayed him.

He is not entirely useless. He is looking at the odd baby thing, we discuss our plans from time to time and I speak about the baby based off the Bounty app. He has also mentioned he should have been there at the last appointment and should go to every appointment from now on.

He is not an alcoholic. He has a drink or two about three times a week and doesn’t go out but it’s always at inappropriate times. Bringing it to bed is not appropriate behaviour to me.

My partner is a chef. He works long days on his feet and antisocial shifts. He gets home absolutely knackered. I work in an office and although there is less physical activity, I get home tired too and more so now I am pregnant. However, we have a rule at home where he does all the cooking and I do all the cleaning. This is the reason I am still cleaning his mess. However, I feel like I am unable to do it anymore now that I am more tired. He is a very messy person, I am not. But I feel obliged to do it because it’s the agreement we have and I don’t want him to think I am incapable.

The child was not planned no. But this is not an issue as there was no question about it that we both wanted it. I would like to point out that my partner is not one of these men you hear who run away at the first sight of responsibility. He doesn’t clean and there is a sea of socks in places I can’t comprehend but he is devoted. He has always expressed his desire to have children and marry. He has always said he wanted a girl first. He is much more sensitive and adoring than I am, but he is still a man at the end of the day and does not think like me.

He has been proactive at times but it’s his recent behaviour that has me on edge and he has mentioned that he isn’t technically a dad yet. Which I disagreed with. He said he needed to do more and is sorry for being selfish. So I do understand some of your comments of him not putting 100% into it because he feels he doesn’t need to yet. He has also read my baby notes while I was at work in a bid to be more involved.

In terms of the book, I actually purchased this online from the recommendation and came home last night to see he had bought it himself in the shop so that is evidence that he wants to read it.

Also I hope the comment about marriage wasn’t intended to be degrading. Marriage is a mental thing for us. To us we are married and while it provides less security legally, it’s a bond that definitely exists. We can not afford any type of wedding and don’t want it completely emotionaless. I trust my partner, he comes from a fatherless home and has always expressed his anger towards his father never being there. I do not think marriage is the way to sort this problem out.

Thanks for all your help guys, you have given me lots of useful comments!

You're still so early, I'm not sure how you can really 'prepare' him at this stage, nothing prepares you for the reality of parenthood, it will be a massive shock to the system regardless.

My DH is a very hands-on dad and was extremely supportive during pregnancy but he didn't come to a single midwife appointment, there is absolutely no need for him to attend those with you. Scans yes, boring MW appointments no (imo).

I didn’t actually ask him to attend any really. It was him who said it, I just ask for his support but it’s hurtful when he doesn’t ask what was even covered nor can I expect him to rearrange his work schedule.

1st trimester can be really tiring, I sometimes used to get home from work and just sleep on the sofa.
Just tell him you are struggling!
“I’m really tired at the moment, could you take on a bit of the cleaning while I’m feeling like this?”
I still don’t understand the bringing alcohol to bed - do you mean he has a beer instead of an Ovaltine?!

I get that, as chefs notoriously work incredibly long hours, it has made sense up to now for you to take on more of the cleaning. However, nothing is set in stone, and, as a partnership you will have to think about how you are going to manage. It isn't just now, it is several hundred % more tiring once the baby is here and you (both) need to tend to his / her needs and you will be doing so on very little sleep. You both will need to make changes.
I'd have thought that, as adults, you both ought to be able to tidy up after yourselves as you go along - there is no reason for there to be socks everywhere- a normal person takes them off and puts them in the washing basket for example.

Absolutely shocked and disgusted by the PP who implied it's ridiculous and irresponsible to become pregnant without getting married first. What century do you think we're living in??? Utter nonsense

You're very early in the pregnancy, I don't think he needs to come to midwife appointments (actually if partners come to all of them they think it might be a sign of domestic abuse/controlling behaviour!)

What you're really asking is if you've got a man who will stand up to his responsibilities, and how you can make him do that. You can't make him. Time will tell. You can't be 100% sure about how any of it will work out, that's just something you have to get used to.

If you're too knackered to do cleaning, then don't do it. A messy house isn't the end of the world and you'll get used to more mess when the baby comes.

OP you may find that your partner will get more involved once he sees the scan and it becomes more real for him. My OH is an amazing Dad, very hands on, but took time for it to sink in when i was pregnant. He didn't proactively look up books to read and didn't always show an interest when i tried to include him in reading up on the pregnancy etc. We went to NCT classes together and I'd say that definitely helped him to see what his role was. As we're the ones carrying the baby it's hard for men sometimes to know what their role is, but teach him that his role is to look after you whilst you focus on growing the baby. Make sure he realises that he needs to step up. You can do this in a gentle and non confrontational way, just sit him down and explain to him what you need from him. Later on you can find projects for him to take the lead on so he can be included - research the best car seat, make a labour playlist, find out what the best baby monitor is etc. These things helped to make my OH feel involved. You've got a long road ahead and it can be difficult at times trying to get your partner to become more responsible, I've been there, and I'm still getting there with my OH 3 years later and on my second pregnancy! But you just need to keep communicating with him as it might not come instinctively to him despite his best intentions

Some amazing comments from the most of you and some hostile ones as well of course haha.

Thebubgrower - these are such good ideas. I was just looking to find project that he could head and doing research into things like car seats etc would be good.

In my OP I expressed how I understand his reasons for acting the way he does and that I was only looking for tips to help. I would advise people read the comments following the topic and my additional comments below too as there is absolutely no need to patronise me with your personal views on marriage or suggest there is any sort of domestic abuse in this relationship. I understand my boyfriend is just being him although it does infuriate me. But I have come to this community for positive and productive advice to help us and our baby.

Marriage judgements and domestic violence is not welcome here!