DH anxious about potty training DS - any tips?

[time4tea]

my DH is getting very anxious about the process of potty training DS (3yrs 3 months) we've been going without nappies for 4 days so far, about 2 accidents a day, which I think is great. DH is very stressed about it (keeps saying things like "can't wait for this to be over"... but this is going to be a trial and error process for some time..) He admits that he has issues about loss of control etc and with respect to both him and MIL, I can imagine his potty training etc was more tense than is altogether healthy...

any tips on making sure this won't rub off on DS? I've tried to take the lead on helping him with this, and tried to be understanding with DH about his concerns about what to do if DS wets himself in public, etc. but his stress isn't helping much, esp as we have a 4 month old, I feel a lot of pressure on me...

Just tell him the rules of training and tell him to stick to them so your both doing the same thing. or else!

thanks Sep - a firm hand! just what I like to see... perhaps there is a limit to being 'understanding' with another grownup.

How about a sticker chart for your DS -then when your DH is around he can be part of the positive side,reacting positively and making him aware of how well DS is doing.

It will give him chance to acknowledge the successes rather than worrying about potential accidents.

Perhaps if you can put things in place to make it easier for your DH - so for example make sure there's always two bags of changes of clothes (one in car, one in buggy say). Don't go too far initially, except places with toilets if he can't handle it at this stage.

Personally I use a star chart so it has a positive focus.

Its only a big deal if he insists on making it one IMHO! Agree with Sep, lay down the law and tell him to get on with it! Once you start there's no going back. Best of luck with it

I think it's good he is aware that he has a problem with this. Who is mostly at home with ds? Can dh more or less back off and leave this bit to you? As you've left it till ds is a bit older, it will hopefully be a reasonably fast process and not too stressful for you even if you take on most of the responsibility for what's happening.

You could also help dh to think of some strategies for helping himself to relax if he feels himself getting a bit het up. He could tell himself it is ok to feel anxious, but that he doesn't have to act on the feelings. I don't know if he will see what I mean, but it could make sense to him.

Have you talked about what exactly bothers him? Is it the mess, or not knowing what to do, or ds growing up (this was an issue for me - I always have check with myself that I'm trying to hold the dcs back because I don't want them to grow up)? Paactical things like making up a few carrier bags with everything necessary to deal with an accident so that it's to hand when needed might help.

What about a star chart for dh? Every time ds has an accident and he says"Oh dear, better luck next time" and changes him without any stress or angst he gets a sticker. 5 stickers can be exchanged for a beer.

thanks so much for all these, this gave me a giggle. I was thinking about a sticker chart for me too, with a gin and tonic for my daily prize and maybe some bigger treats for a run of days being good...
in the end, potty training has gone well. I've agreed with DH that I ask other mums and a friend's auntie (who is a school nurse and runs a child bedwetting clinic and a really lovely lady)for more tips on coping with setbacks. the accident in public thing seems to be his biggest fear. i've tried to get him to imagine being in the situation of being a bystander if one of our friend's children has an accident at our house, and that we wouldn't react badly, and will see what friends do.

thanks again for the ideas - this is one DH problem that would be hard to share with RL friends ('hey, DH is an uptight anal retentive! what the &%! do I do so he doesn't £%& up our son!') so for the millionth time, MN has saved the day!