Is this a sign of PND?

[CJ1990]

I feel like my daughter doesn’t like me...she’s nearly 14 weeks. I’ve posted on here a few times for various reasons but I’ve realised I worry so much as I just don’t feel she’s bonded with me.

I’ve bonded with her, I love her more than anything. My basis of thinking that she doesn’t like me doesn’t seem to founded either. She’s a smiley, happy little girl most of the time.

However, she never seems to care if I’m around or not. It doesn’t matter who is with her, I’ve left her once or twice for an hour or so with relatives and I came back and she wasn’t bothered. I no she’s very young though and I shouldn’t be worrying about that but I do. She never settles on me any more. She has to sleep upstairs in her own cot as even if we’re out she won’t sleep on me. I have to go out while she settles then I lay in bed in the room with her as she won’t settle downstairs. Like today in a class I attend organised by our health visitor the babies were all one by one falling asleep on parents and my daughter was tierd but is having none of it. She’s just to interested in everything. Again, that makes me wonder why she’s not comfy enough to settle on me.

She also had her second set of jabs Monday. My husband was off so he took her into the room this time. I figured I do the first ones, he does the second and I’ll do the last. Well the nurse questioned why “mum wasn’t here” to which my husband asked why and she said they prefer mothers there. Apart from the obvious that that is a ridiculous comment to make, it again made me feel rubbish. I asked my HV about that comment and she said it’s becuase “sometimes the primary care giver, being mum, is the only thing that baby will want”. But my daughter wouldn’t mind if it was me or my husband. She was perfectly fine and came out smiling and happy.

I just don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t feel these are genuine reasons, although I maybe wrong? I know a PND sign is that you don’t feel bonded to the baby. I really do. I just worry she doesn’t feel the same, and I feel silly saying that. But it’s breaking my heart. My husband just thinks it’s a great thing she’s independent and happy with people. And she is a very happy little girl.

Sorry for the rant. I guess the comments from the HV and the NCT class today haven’t helped! I just wish I new that she loved me :( but then I no, what can you expect off a 14 week old baby. Poor girl can’t exaxtly throw her arms around me and give me a hug!

Do you think this could be an onset of PND? Or just one of those silly things you get in your head? I’ve no other symptoms that I can put my finger on

No expert but I think it sounds like it's just not quite what you expected and your feeling a bit anxious. Try not to worry! I'm sure she loves her mummy. I've got one who just wants mum and one of who's more sociable, much easier in the long run when they will go to other people! I have a good bond with both of them.

Give it time, I'm sure you'll be having lots of cuddles and wonder what you were worried about before long! Sounds like it's just her personality.

Thanks @imamearcat I’ve just been really upset crying wondering what I’ve been doing wrong

I have a 14wo too :)

The comments were ill thought out and sexist. It sounds like you have a lovely involved husband/dad there, I do think a lot of the comments about babies "needing Mummy" are due to the fact that most women are stuck doing 90% of childcare whether they want to or not. I don't know that babies of this age really experience love as such but certainly they associate their main caregivers with safety and security, and I bet she gives you a big smile when she hasn't seen you for a little while, and perhaps was quicker to smile at you and DH than other relatives etc when she first started doing it. That would show she has a bond with you, even though she is chilled out with others.

It's also quite normal for a 14wo baby to be happy with multiple caregivers and even total strangers. They haven't figured out that things still exist when they go out of sight yet so they have no reason to be upset at you leaving as long as their needs are still being met. At about 4-5 months they suddenly realise that when you're not there, you're somewhere else so they sort of realise there's a chance you might not come back, and then they get clingier. This really exacerbates at around 9 months. So enjoy the freedom until then.

She sounds bright and curious and secure enough in the fact she is loved and cared for to look around and be more interested in other things. I also find their personalities so different even at this age. DS1 used to go into transports of delight if I kissed his cheek, whereas DS2 just looks faintly annoyed. He is delighted by looking at shelves and stripy wallpaper though

I think good for you and your partner taking turns to do the injections. It’s totally ridiculous that the mum “should” be there if the baby’s happy with dad.
Try not to be so hard on yourself x

Also, never tell the other parents of 14 week olds that your baby will only sleep in the cot and not on you... they will take it as a boast and be dead jealous. (By which I mean, relax, you're not doing anything wrong.)

It does all feel one way to start with but that will pass and when she won't let you out of her sight when she is a bit older and poorly you will hanker after these days. Try not to worry they dont really show love at that age, they only need their needs met, and because you are obviously doing a good job at that, she is happy, you will remember this time one day soon and smile at how you felt

Neither of my babies have been very ‘mummyish’. My 12 week old some days will look and smile at everyone but me! It can feel frustrating but She’s only 14 weeks, it’s a good sign that she happy to go to different people and is content, that suggests she has a secure attachment to you. I don’t think babies this age display enough behaviour to show that they miss/want their mums to be honest, I think they’re are just happy to be fed and held. She knows your voice, smell and would definitely notice if you weren’t there. I wouldn’t ave thought it was a symptom of pnd on its own, just sounds like a bit of anxiety. It easy to anxious about all sorts of things in the early days especially if you’re sleep deprived!

Thanks everyone :) it’s nice to see people’s feedback.

I’m very lucky with my partner that he was more than happy to do the jabs. I was upset today so he told me to go have a bath etc when he got back from work and he looked after baby while I sorted myself out. I’m very lucky and he’s very hands on, which is probably why she’s just as fine with him! I know the nurse was out of order commenting and asking where I was. I said to my husband I could have been ill or he could have been a stay at home dad. How does she know. She made me feel guilty for not going In though! As I say my daughter is just as settled with him.

@BertieBotts she may sleep in her cot rather than on me or anywhere else 90% of the time, but she’s an awful sleeper...ha. Takes a long time to get her down at night including letting her moan for a bit! (We’ve tried settling her by patting etc but she seems to get more irritated - very independent!). And still wakes a lot a night..so definitely not a brag! Haha.

Just feel I’m doing a bad job I guess. Maybe that feelings just being a mum and I need to get used to it for a bit!

@CJ1990 my 19 week old DD hasn't fallen asleep on me for weeks now! She much prefers her own bed! She is also happy to be put down on her playmat for a bit without me being beside her. I left her with DH recently for the entire day and she didn't bat an eyelid! She isn't great with other people though, and more often than not starts to cry when she's handed to someone else. I wish she didn't do this, but she's still so little. She also reserves the vast majority of her smiles for me and DH, as she often looks at other people in a suspicious way haha!

And yes, definitely sleep deprived...😴that probably, definitely, Isn’t helping! Plus it’s hard to get out and about now she’ll only sleep in the cot. She’s too alert to switch off other wise so I have to come home after about an hour and a half or being out somewhere. Sleep deprived And possibly a little lonely in the day now. I do go to classes but have to really carefully try to plan naps around going out since about 11 weeks so it’s tricky

@CJ1990 my DD is extremely alert too. Will she sleep if you push her around in the buggy? What I do with DD if an outing clashes with her nap, is arrive early and push her around in the buggy for a bit until she falls asleep, as she would never sleep if I just put her down in her buggy in a cafe - too many distractions! She'll never stay asleep as long as she would at home though. My DD is hard work with day sleep as she is so interested in her surroundings, she finds it hard to switch off, but then gets grumpy when she's tired!

@Flatwhite32 Awww bless your daughter sounds like a cutie :) mine loves strangers...? We know she’s feeling a bit off when she gives a new person a blank stare! But I feel your pain about the naps with the grumpy-ness! That’s why I’m so funny with getting her back to nap. Can’t be dealing with the over tierd! Yeah she’ll sleep in the buggy, but it can take a good 10mins of walking for her to go to sleep and once we stop that’s it! She knows.. lol

DS1 was all Mummy’s boy. DS2 went to everyone. Happy, smiley, high fivinf toddler. Not particularly a Mummy’s boy except when he is ill (in fact that’s how we know he’s coming down with something). DS1 btw went through a prolonged Daddy phase after being almost surgically attached to me. He’s now a know it all 7 year old who is mildly disdainful of both parents. 🙄🙄🙄