Parenting prenup before baby arrives

[Londoncheesehead]

Hi - I'm looking into setting up a parenting agreement between my current partner and I before the baby arrives. We conceived the baby through IVF but are a romantic couple (but not married) and we live together (moved in after positive pregnancy result, which both of us are very happy about).

Everything is fine, but I would feel more secure agreeing what co-parenting would look like if we did break up - ie basic financial agreement, time, philosophy, etc. I want to make sure we're in a really good spot financially in case something unexpected happens.

I know this sounds slightly crazy, but having been through a painful divorce before, I just want to have something in place that means we're on the same page and that I can rely on if things did go south.

Does anyone have experience with parenting agreements put in place with a partner before any split happens? Exactly like a prenup?

Thank you.

It good that you are looking ahead to how to want to parent together but I can't imagine it is anything you could legally uphold and people often change their mind when they find out what type of child they have and what suit everyone.

The thing is that everyone always has an opinion on how to bring up children before they have children and the chances of that looking the same once they are born are slim to nil.

If you want legal security your best bet is to get married.

You wouldn’t be able to enforce a “parenting” contract I’m afraid

Pottering I’ve read this to be something different to the financial security provided by marriage- more about how they would parent?

As others say, your ideas about parenting will probably evolve rather a lot when you are actually faced with a real live baby!

Can you give some examples of how it would look op?

I wouldn't think you could

And whilst it's a nice idea

There are always circumstances you can't predict - partner is nice now but what if they are abusive and you end up hiding for your safety?

What if that parent turns round if you split up and says actually I'm walking away and not parenting this child?

I discovered the hard way... you can't force anyone to be a parent if they change their mind later on. It's impossible to make them show up for contact etc

I find this all very odd if I'm honest. It doesn't sound like a very stable basis for a family, from what you've posted.

The way you describe him as your 'current partnet' makes it sound like you're quite new, and that sits with you not living together before getting your positive result, but not with deliberately wanting a child to the extent of going through ivf together.

Is there something more to this?

And while yes you may split up, most couples which have just conceived will be looking to their future together, not worrying about splitting. Again, unless I'm missing something

You’d be better off making a contact about how co parenting is going to work while you are living together.

Most men appear to think that their wife / partner having a baby is that person’s new hobby and their personal input will be limited to posting photos on Facebook and changing a nanny once a week in front of their mother.

Do you share all housework and wifework 50:50 now? How is it going to work after the baby is born, post partum, during your maternity leave and his paternity leave? Are you both going part time after your family leave?

This is useful thoughts, thank you. We are planning to share my mat leave - and I guess with how common prenups are, I thought there would be something similar for an equally serious and long term decision. Obviously not something we would plan to rely on, but a worst case scenario that helps us set out a plan for how to ensure a stable and secure life - in terms of where we would live, how we would split time and how we would manage finances to ensure all the baby's needs are covered. The idea is that we set this is before it might ever be needed, when we are positively thinking about planning life - including hairy things like wills and what happens if one of us gets hit by the bus. Sounds like it's not a very common thing though - odd to me as so many parents end up co-parenting anyway due to divorce.

@Kristingle we share most things 50% and plan to share the one year mat leave allowance between the two of us. He already covers the lion's share of cooking and cleaning.

@InDubiousBattle what I'd envisioned was more akin to a prenup, outlining agreement on the major elements that can be most contentious in a split, so that the baby's best interests are agreed now (rather than in the unlikely scenario that emotions are running high, etc). Basically the same reason prenups are so common - and not at odds with planning an exciting wedding looking at the rest of your lives together.

I think it’s not common because you can’t enforce it - so for example if your parenting agreement says you’ll always live in Edinburgh within 10 miles of each other for example- one of you can’t reasonably stop the other moving out of Edinburgh.

You might say finances are met a certain way but again the law doesn’t support the enforcement of that- circumstances change, you guys will change.

Hmm. Thank you @caprisunorange - seemed like a sensible thing to put in place now as we put all these legal and financial things in place, but can see what you mean. Not the end of the world as I don't expect to need to rely on it, but seems like it would be a helpful thing for the many parents who find themselves in this situation.

Sorry for sounding so dark - there wasn't a thread for people who deeply consider things like wills and savings accounts when preparing for baby.

It sounds very weird to me. Indeed, like Sleep said, the whole language of how you've described your relationship is odd.

Have to agree with Pottering and others though that what you think you will / won't do, and 'how you will parent' before you have and dc, and what happens when they are here are two completely different things

The idea of agreeing how you'd manage finance and custody etc if you were to split up, when you haven't even given birth, is a nonsense. You would have to make decisions about all that, at the time, given the circumstances at the time.
Oh, and I really don't think 'prenups' are 'common' either.

I'm no lawyer, and no idea about any legalities, but it is just a really unrealistic, and frankly, quite a depressing thing to think about.

Thank you as well to everyone who took time to let me know that this is weird and depressing and that there's something fishy about my relationship!

x posted

Incidentally I have a good friend currently struggling to get her pre nup enforced- it’s cost over £20k so far in legal fees- so they’re certainly not cut and dried either

Surely the time to discuss and explore whether parenting philosophies are compatible is before deciding to have a baby with someone?

I know i'm not adding much to what's already been said but imo parenting is way too reactive and changes too often to decide ahead of time.
You could both be working and the child in nursery then something could change and they could need a parent at home for a while.... or they could not get into the local school or you could have trouble finding afterschool care they gel with. One of you can lose their job and do some staying at home, or one of you get a job out of town and work away a few days a week.
What's best for your child changes, all the time, and you need to keep reviewing the family arrangements.

Just talk! A prenup like you’re suggesting is utterly meaningless, and may spark some very bad feeling as the intention behind it is not really very nice. I’m sure you’ve good intentions but if you are both decent people then talking will achieve what you are looking for. If either of you are going to act like an asshole in a split, a ‘prenup’ will make zero difference.

Thanks for the input everyone. Just to clarify though, in terms of how pre-nups work, there was an important case in an English court about 8 or 9 years ago that established that pre-nups have legal standing unless the other person can show why they shouldn't. Obviously room for interpretation as in any legal precedent, but worth clearing up that commonly held misconception. Cheers!

OP do you work in the law? If not, let me tell you that when it comes to babies/custody/welfare of a child, a prenup will mean less than nothing.

If you’re already in court you you’ll have bigger things to worry about than a prenup.

Planning parenting in advance is tricky... But you need the financial protection afforded by marriage or civil partnership.

Also just to add, a prenup about money might be enforcable (depending on how good your lawyer is) but a prenup about another human is ridiculous. If it goes to court they won’t be looking at your prenup or even really what you or he wants at all. They will only be looking at the child and their rights and welfare. Money is a thing you own. A baby is not a thing or something you own.