Advice appreciated on In laws

[Narcs1]

I'll try and keep this as simple as I can. My husband and I married several years ago. Both of us have children from previous marriages. We have a baby who is now 6 months. Half siblings love the baby. Before our baby arrived I made huge efforts to make sure my SIL, her husband and their children received presents at Christmas etc. I never received an acknowledgement. No thanks or anything. My texts to her were not replied to either.

Now I have had her brothers baby, she wants to have a relationship with the baby but I get ignored. I've spoken to my husband about it and he says she is selfish but loves her family and it's best not to say anything as it would cause huge damage.

In addition, the children's mother from my husband's first marriage is best friends with SIL. I have no problem with this but it is going to be odd bringing up my child who sees his Auntie 100% ignore his Mum but continue to be best friends with his half siblings Mum. SIL has even invited the ex wife to tea when my husband took his kids down to visit their auntie and I've not been able to go. He was not told she would be invited and asked her not to do it again. But since then she's had parties and invited everyone along. I just find this behaviour odd.

Do I just accept she will never acknowledge me and how do I explain this to my son as he grows up? I don't want to cause anyone any distress but am unsure how to deal with this odd behaviour. Thanks for listening.

No I dont think you do need to just accept it but I do think DH needs to speak up a bit more loudly.

You are a family unit now- all of you. Your SIL cannot pick and choose which ones in that unit she sees and which ones she doesnt. It's either all or nothing. That is what DH needs to communicate to her- and be prepared to stand by if needed.

She doesn't need to be yiur best friend, she just needs to act like a grown up and get some manners. If she cant do that, fine but then she loses out, not you.

I don’t think you should just accept it. Your DH needs to tell his sister that she at least needs to be civil and polite with you.
As far as I can see from your post you haven’t done anything wrong and she should be adult enough to be able to carry on her friendship with his ex and be polite to you.

That is childish and unkind behaviour from SIL and she shouldn't be allowed to dictate what relationship she will have with your son.

She needs to be told that it's unacceptable, hurtful behaviour.

Unacceptable. If she’s not willing to have a relationship with you, then she doesn’t get to see your child. Stand your ground, OP. I have been in this situation and DH and I nearly divorced over it.

No I would not just accept it at all. Your dh is happy for you to be ignored so that his sister is not upset? Sod that.

She wants to see the baby, she sees you too and if she is unable to be polite and friendly she doesn’t see the baby. And I’d be furious with your dh

Hold on, though... were you the OW?

I had a similar situation. My SIL ignored me for most of my relationship with husband, including my entire pregnancy. When baby was born she showed up at the house, again ignoring me, wanting a relationship with baby. I basically told her to fuck off until she could be polite and acknowledge me. I don't want to be friends or close with her but I expect a basic level of respect. We haven't seen her since and my husband supports this decision. I have made it clear that when she can be polite and acknowledge me she will be welcome in my house. She has decided not to come back.

I appreciate the time you've taken helping me. No I am not the OW. I met my husband a few years after he and his ex split. I am surprised DHs sister took a stand against me from the beginning and I could never understand the silence as generally I get on well with people and I really like the rest of DH family. SIL came up to see my son recently but when DH spoke to her the following week he said he felt uncomfortable as she was asking what he felt were intrusive questions about home (home life and the type of home we have) here and said he felt things were getting back to his ex wife. He says both ex wife and his sister are volatile but have a nice side and it's best not to upset anyone. Yes I do wonder if DH needs to say something to his sister but for some reason he seems afraid it will cause a lot of damage.