Can't stop blaming myself for my DC's problems

[pantyclaws]

I had a MMC before DC2, got pregnant very quickly after, at a time of extreme and prolonged work stress. I spiralled into grief but had no time to deal with my feelings for various reasons - I think I had one day off work to have a d&c.

I was convinced this baby wouldn't make it either so didn't look after myself. I wasn't taking any vitamins, or eating well / exercising, and was working crazy hours. I had a tiny bump and couldn't really feel movement so basically lived in denial. I never talked about or celebrated my prwgnancy. I was a depressed, anxious, stressed mess.

DC2 is almost 3 and has various problems, allergies, digestive issues, eczema, had terrible reflux until he was 1, physical development and muscular issues, and a number of unusual aesthetic issues. Nothing so bad or unusual we can get a diagnosis. I also wouldn't be surprised if he was diagnosed with Asperger's when he's older.

He is so volatile and easily angered and has been screaming literally since the day he was born and is a bad sleeper.

My mental health problems initially improved when he was born but because of all his issues with reflux, screaming etc I a could barely leave the house and was so exhausted, had no support from family and the depression and anxiety came back. I didn't bond very well with him as a result in that first year.

I love him to pieces, he's so bright and funny and lovely and our bond is better, but I still feel slightly detached from him.

I just feel so awful and guilty about it and the impact my actions have had on him, and so sad that I hated my pregnancy and can't go back and make it better. I feel angry at my (now ex) work for putting my under such stress, and angry at myself for letting them.

I don't know how to make it better.

Oh I feel for you. Our bodies are incredibly good at making sure developing babies get all they need, more often at the expense of the mothers health. Your sons issues were not caused by your actions. I think some counselling might help you fully accept this?

Thanks I appreciate your kindness, but I know problems can be caused by not enough folic acid and also by stress in pregnancy and so I struggle to accept this. My body and mind weren't in good shape after my loss and I should have given myself longer mentally and physically. I didn't and my child suffered. And now we are suffering too. He screams and shouts almost constantly.

Hi! I kept thinking about your post and so decided to write something, maybe a bit too abstract, - but didn't want to leave no response. I think we humans like causality, we like things to have causes, so if there is a disaster, it is someone's fault or it is for a reason. Religion is the biggest provider of causality ever. Because without it, the world is so chaotic that we can not deal with it. In truth though, while there is some causality, there are lots of things that have no causes, or the cause is too complex.

A lot of women who look after themselves and have healthy pregnancies, none of your histories, have babies who develop the most atrocious diseases. There is no one that can be blamed for a baby who develops leukaemia. So while you think your history contributed to your son's health, in fact, you cannot know this. And people will give you hundreds of examples of different histories getting worse outcomes.

Now, accepting no causality might through you to bigger anxiety, because it is very difficult to live with chaos. But guilt is destructive; it will eat you from the inside, and over years it can damage you in a way that will be able to damage your child actually.