How is a 50/50 residency arrangement for the children? Warning, distressing content

[Bestseller]

I have no experience myself but I work with troubled teens and have long felt it must be hard for children to have no full time home.

I've recent worked on the fringes of a project looking at the possible reasons for and solutions to a spike in teen suicides in our county.

No conclusions have been drawn, one of the things that has been interesting is that these very sad cases seem have very little in common. Some were high performers at school, some weren't. Some were socially excluded, some were very popular. Some were talented in music, art or sport,some weren't. Some had previously spoken to someone about suicide, some hadn't. Some had recently experienced the end of their own romantic relationships or suffered a bereavement in their extended family. Only about half had current MH referrals.

The only two things common to all the cases we looked at were a history of self harm (although for some this was very historic and not current) and they all had parents who lived separately. All had two parents who were still very much involved and whom the children were splitting their time between.

The sample is small (12, although also far too large ) and obviously there are many more children who live this way and don't take their own lives, but there was some suggestion that the conflict and divided loyalty these children felt may have been a contributing factor.

Traditional wisdom seems to be that parents who seperate but continue to co-parent are doing the best for their children, but what is your experience of the way children cope with two homes and involved but separate parents?

Bestseller where are you based? NI by any chance?

No, sadly this kind of work must be widespread if you're doing
it in NI too

If the school are really interested, I’d recommend them looking at research on Adverse Childhood Experiences and the impact of toxic stress.

I have nc for this reply .

I took my first od at 15.

My parents were abusive to each other and me and my sibling. We grew up in a house of fear. I used to ask my mum to leave my dad. Clearly my story is also aniicdotal too.

It's always struck me as a situation where the child has to sacrifice having a stable home in order to please the parents.

It's a significant finding that out of 12 suicides, 100% of them had separated parents. Control group or not.
You would need 2 further control groups if further research was to be carried out.

1. Suicides where parents were not separated
2. Children of separated parents who did not commit suicide.

I think it's an interesting if somewhat startling finding, but one that should maybe be looked at by a university or something, rather than just a school, just muddling their way through and finding out something rather unexpected.

It's always struck me as a situation where the child has to sacrifice having a stable home in order to please the parents.

Or that could be flipped as both parents sacrificing the primary carer role in order to meet the child’s need to have close relationships with both parents.

For myself, and you would think that I was old enough and bold enough to have dealt with it, but I just felt that I didn't belong anywhere. My life felt fractured, broken. There was no home as I knew it, fucked up and all as it had been. I was just floating.

Sorry, floating was the wrong word. Adrift was the word I was trying to think of.

If the parents were willing to be sacrificing maybe they should be the ones to take it in turns to move out instead of the child.

This has also made me very sad to read. My DC spend time with their abusive father but their primary home is with me. The amount of time spent with him is minimal, and I even reluctantly acknowledge that some contact is better than none at all, even if he is controlling and abusive, because exposure to it is limited.
It makes me very sad indeed if it's not only damaging to live in a hostile environment with parents who live together, but also damaging if they don't live together.

It’s a nice idea but not a simple solution.
I wonder how it would work if one parent needs to claim tax credits for example. Or how a separated family supports not two homes as per the traditional set up, but now three would be needed.
What happens if either parent remarried or has more children - can they come to the children’s home or not?

There are no simple solutions to parents splitting but I so e definitely handle it worse than others.

I was recently dating a guy going through divorce and his dd (14) was going through some mental health issues. He blamed the mother. The mother would tell him 'your dd thinks you're a c*'. When the child was unwell, she'd want to stay with her Mum, he felt she should be with him as the Mum was the cause of the issues. It's a very acrimonious divorce with a lot of arguments being witnessed by the children (from his accounts). There are 3 children, and the other two don't seem affected. I only had his side of the story obviously, but it did seem a little fucked up. They had 50/50 custody, but with the children remaining in the family home, and them both moving in for their separate access days. It sounded awful really. And likely he was as much to blame as the mother (who he claimed was an alcoholic).

I don't believe it's anything to do with residency. At most it will down to the environment the child grows up in. Wether that's separated parents, step parents involved, no step parents, parents still together, single parent with the other parent being absent, parents still together etc.

Let's not pretend there is any ideal family set up. It's how the set up is.

I too suspect it's very damaging, for most children.

No Im not working on anything like this OP but our small town as seen a large number of teen suicides over the past 3 years. It's very frightening. L

From my observations of the children I have taught, 50-50 childcare can be very difficult when the parent goes on to have subsequent children with a new partner. I have taught children who say they don’t feel like they have a home - they’re say they feel like visitors in both homes whilst their new siblings are permanent residents.

As an adult I cannot imagine anything more stressful than constantly moving from one place to another.

Zulor, are you sure tbey were actually separated?!

Ye, pretty sure. He was very bitter about the dd staying with the Mum while it was his time etc. She was also taking him to court and he said only 1% of divorce cases actually end up in court and she had spent 70k on lawyers trying to prove he had 2 million hidden away in assets. A lot of our conversations from his part seemed to be him ranting about the divorce proceedings etc., so yes, I would say they were separated. He had a flat he stayed in when he wasn't in the family home with the children. The ex wife also sometimes stayed there when it was his time. It all sounded like madness to be frank.

And to be honest, with only one side of the story to go on, I don't think either of them were behaving very well in front of the kids. He made all the right noises 'My children are my priority' 'I've just had my ex have a blazing row in front of the children while she was clearly drunk' etc. etc. Then other things he'd say such as 'I wanted to get sole custody but I know they love and need their mother'. No, I genuinely think it was just a particularly bitter divorce. His version when I asked why they split was that he wasn't earning enough money. I suspect there is a lot more behind that particular line, but no, they were definitely separated.

I have a step child who lives with us 50:50.

During their primary school years it hasn’t been an issue. The mid week handover is seamless and SDC has their own bedroom and full compliment of clothes, toys, etc at both houses. Having said that, as other pps have said, I would find it a very stressful way to live.

I don’t think it will be as easy to maintain 50:50 once DSC starts secondary school. Homework will ramp up, they’ll need different textbooks, etc, for different days. They’ll either have to have duplicates of everything or cart all their school stuff around with them. Plus, because they are going to a secondary school nearer their mothers house, they’ll likely want to be there more to hang out with their friends locally. I can’t see how it will be in their best interests to keep the 50:50 thing going. But when I mention it I’m accused of hating my stepchild and not wanting them around. When really, my personal private belief is that living in two different places but not having a base in either must be an exhausting way to live.

Tumeric, you sound like a very caring step-mum