Tantrums ruining everything

[LordPickle]

My PFB DS is 22 months old and has gone from the odd tantrum once a week to multiple meltdowns a day. Not only are the tantrums increasing in frequency, they are also becoming longer, louder and more dramatic. It has gotten to the point where we don't know what to do with him and we are beginning to avoid taking him places for fear of him kicking off.

I know this is relatively common but we feel like we don't know the best way to deal with him. Right now we do nothing. We either ignore him completely or we watch silently if he's thrashing around wildly so we can ensure he doesn't hurt himself. But is there something we can do to avoid the tantrums altogether? Or something to shorten them or lessen the intensity?

Can anyone recommend a parenting book that they used and found to be effective? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I would say two things:

Intervene with distraction before the tantrum gets too bad. It can be anything- food, a dog, some flowers, a nice old lady. Use anything in your surroundings that they might be interested in.

The other thing is the naughty step. The way we use it with DD it helps her calm down. She gets it all out and then we talk after a few minutes when she is feeling less angry. But we only use this for big blow ups and anything dangerous and really rude. The conversation at the end is really important and only really works if they are quite verbal and understand.

Also

They all have to go through this to a greater or lesser extent to learn what is what and where the line is. But it is bloody hard at the time. Stick to your guns and don’t let his behaviour dictate where you go and what you do.

Try to be really logical and in a way detatched about it. It’s a small child who can’t express themselves, are very frustrated as they don’t have control, and can’t calm themselves down.
So logically you have to try to head it off at the pass and recognise they’re not doing it to piss you off, so distract if you can. If you can’t, recognise they can’t calm down themselves so your role is to help. Pick them up (garden with a thrashing toddler I know) and take them somewhere quiet, ride it out. Speak calmly and quietly and help them as best you can
Don’t worry about going out - it’s a phase and all kids go through it and people won’t judge you.

Thank you both for responding. We will try harder to intervene before he goes into nuclear meltdown. It is just so hard because both my and my DH's parents swear none of their children ever had such tantrums and it's easy to feel like we're doing something wrong. ☹️ it's nice to know others have been through similar.

When mine have got to the point of no return I try to talk to them calmly, even if it seems like they're not listening at all. I try to sympathise with them and describe their emotions. So I might say, "I know you're cross/sad/upset/etc" and just repeat that or similar. If they're safe and not in the way of anyone else then I'd just stay put until it's over, or pick them up and go somewhere quieter and do the same.

I also talk about what's happening now and what's happening next, before they get to the point of tantrumming, to try and help them understand what's going on.

Just do the same thing every time with clear boundaries - you are teaching him to regulate his emotions. So pick him up and put him on step or similar ‘I will come back when I hear that you have calmed down, then you will say sorry for xyz and then we will have a hug and carry on playing. No further punishment and no holding grudges. If he starts taking himself away to calm down, praise that.

Please don't use time out/ naughty step. Children need help to learn how to manage their emotions. As Assassinated suggested, try to put in to words for them how they might be feeling (I can see you're feeling cross/sad/frustrated etc right now), hold them reassuringly, speak calmly and soothingly. Don't ignore them - they're not doing it for attention they're doing it because they haven't learned to cope with the powerful emotions they're feeling.

Walk away and ignore the tantrums if at all possible

If you’re looking for a book, try “how to talk so kids will listen”

I’m only a couple of chapters in and it’s helping already.

Have you heard of emotion coaching? It's an evidence based approach and links to previous comments about giving the child labels for how they're feeling.

I second the how to talk so little kids listen book.

I’m another person saying don’t use the naught step. A very young child not been able to control their emotions is developmental normal not being naught.

Are there tigger points? For DD was/is getting in the car seat so I tell her she can have a drink of milk when she gets into her car seat as part of the getting in the car. I tell DD that we are going in 5 minutes and she should choose something for her final turn before we leave. Lots of structure and routines is good for little ones. I get DD to say goodbye to other children in the park or the swimming pool as we get out.

Is he over tired? Children go through periods of needing more sleep. Teething? Unwell? I can be stroppy myself when I am tired and unwell.

At 22 months the naughty step approach is unlikely to have any impact at all. Kids at this age are impulsive, live mostly in the moment so aren't great at linking cause and consequences , have limited understanding of language, are totally egocentric and are generally completely unreasonable. Fortunately it's a stage that will eventually pass.

Strategies you could try are: trying to distract; being totally zen if they kick off; make sure you help regulate their mood by ensuring they don't get too hungry or tired; don't give in to tantruming demands or you'll be paying the price for a very long time; labelling their emotions in very simple language "Oh, you're cross / sad" ; give them a cuddle when they've worn themselves out. Often, whatever you do won't work. This is completely normal so don't worry about it and ignore smug comments from anyone whose kids haven't reached this stage yet. They will have their come-uppance.

In about a year, your dd will probably revert back to being delightful. Gin may help in the meantime.

Very interesting and varied responses, I really appreciate the input from everyone. I will definitely look into that "How to Talk" book as I do feel like we could use some help with DS's volatility. I understand that he's beyond reasoning at this age but I just feel like we could manage his emotions better.

The majority of his tantrums are when we say no or he is disappointed/upset. We don't ever cave in because the things he rages about are almost always unsafe. For example, he kept trying to climb onto the dining room table today (something he knows not to do) and when I stopped him, he threw himself into the floor and started screaming, then got up and started hitting everything and throwing his toys (whilst screaming and crying) then got back on the floor and screamed and cried for another 20 minutes. At first we tried to talk to him but that made him angrier (and touching him always makes him angrier as well) so we just ignored it and he eventually stopped and got up and acted like nothing had happened.

It is very draining and it's making me question my parenting because we used to be able to tell him no without such volatile reactions.

Been there! And probably will be there soon again with DD 🤦‍♀️ I found it so hard, but I think you just have to figure out what works for your kid. DS would just get worse if we manhandled him or talked to him so what worked for us was just sitting there silently until he calmed down. Good luck, you are doing great, it will get better soon and it will all be a distant memory.

I think the variation in response is because people have such varied experiences of tantrums. Some might mean a bit of foot-stamping, some might mean a complete meltdown where the child is unable to recognise their own parents. Some might be referring to a sudden fit of temper when a child feels frustrated, some to the kind of tantrum that builds up over hours in a highly anxious child until it is unstoppable. They are totally different things and to some extent need a different approach.

We all knew with my db that there were times when you could distract him by making him laugh. There were other times when you knew, just from the way he spoke, that he would have a meltdown within a few hours and that the actual trigger was immaterial; he would just have to find one so that the anger and fear that were building up inside him could find an outlet.

Nuttyknitter's suggestion is excellent- for some children. But wouldn't have worked with all children in my life. Would have been fine with either of my 2 older brothers or my nieces. Might have worked with me when I was very young but I would very soon have seen through it and got more angry as I would have recognised it as a way of not letting me have my own way. As for dd, once she was in full swing, she was simply unable to understand or even recognise the people around her: she couldnt' possibly have taken in what you were saying, let alone verbalised anything herself. Youngest db needed to release the tension inside him.

We all had different needs: my 2 older brothers wanted to feel listened to, I simply wanted the world to be run according to my plans and not anybody else's, dd was lost in her anxiety and db3 needed to release the tension inside him.

At 22 months the naughty step approach is unlikely to have any impact at all. Kids at this age are impulsive, live mostly in the moment so aren't great at linking cause and consequences , have limited understanding of language, are totally egocentric and are generally completely unreasonable. Fortunately it's a stage that will eventually pass.

Quite a lot of Year 10 boys fit this description.

Actually, given his very young age, I think neolara is spot on: this is about lack of language, normal stage of development, something you just have to deal with like you dealt with his crying when he was a baby. Nothing to do with your parenting: just the normal reaction of a toddler who for the first time understands how much he wants to control the world and how little he can.

Accept that this is how many 2yos are (and he's not even 2), count it as a win when you get your way (he didn't get to climb on the kitchen table, did he?) and ignore his reaction of frustration.