What do you do when your child IS the Bully?

[babalon]

I am posting this through the tears because I was phoned by my DD's(10) school today to tell me that she is on headmasters report. The reason for this is 'following her continuing aggressive behaviour'

The letter that has come home with her today continues "She has also singled out one of our disabled children for a sustained attack, both verbal and physical." and

I just don't know how to react she's been in trouble at school for bad behaviour before and 2 months ago was caught shop lifting chewing gum. But bullying! please help!

Home life is very stable and my Ds1(8) is happy at the school and rarely in trouble. My Ds2(11 months) has a disabilty so I find this even more shocking I can't beleive I've brought up a bully.

I've sent her to her room to do homework. Now What??!!!

I suspect it is more complex that that. I imagine that she has quite complex feelings about her sibling's disability, a mixture of fear, upset and anger. She may be frightened for them, about how they will get on in the future and worried over operations and medical treatments they may need to have.

Mrs Wobble is spot on - I have a 9yo DD and whilst she is very mature for her age in many ways, at times she needs a lot of emotional support, delivered in a non-obtrusive way.

Can you get her to a psychologist or educational psychologist so she can talk. Maybe she has issues that she can't tell you about. Is she in with a bad crowd? Does she have a close friend at home or at school? Just seen your post re the twins, why can't you tell her she isn't allowed to play with them? My mother was very specific if she didn't like neighbours kids and banned me from playing with them, though she never really knew just how badly behaved some of my friends were!!!! Hope you sort it out, you (and your Dd ) must be feeling dreadful.

Ok so we've had first of , I suspect many talks. I've given her the childline number after speaking to parentline plus who suggested that might just give her another option of who to talk to. I asked how she felt about going to speak to someone but she just said no so I'll talk about this more another time.

When I explained that the girl she'd bullied had the emotional and mental understanding of a 5 year old and asked her if she'd behave that way with children that we know who are 5yrs old. She seem to grasp the seriousness of it I also suggested that she wrote this girl a letter saying sorry.

She said she'd like to spend more 1 on 1 time with me but doesn't know why she gets so angry. DD is now at her grandparents house and they are going to have a chat with her.

I was very calm and made her read the letter from the school so she knows what I've been told.

I'm exhausted!

well you are making some progress, but it does seem like it would be useful if someone "experienced" could talk to her to help her work out why she is angry?

That's progress, babalon. Take heart. At least she is willing to chat to you. As you say, this is the beginning of lots of chats. She might reconsider the option of speaking to someone else at a later stage.

She has confirmed that she wants one-to-one time with you. Perhaps spending time with her regularly might throw some light on why she is so angry and give you a better understanding of why she is the way she is. I'm not trying to make it sound simplistic. I know it isn't.

You sound at the end of your tether. I do hope things improve soon.

Writing a "sorry" letter is a great idea. It also lets you know how deeply she really feels about what she did, and whether she understands. Am sure my dds just say they know what i mean sometimes just to get out of the problem they are in so I use this tack too to see what has gone in!!.
Keep talking, you sound like you are doing brill.
BTW both dd1 and dd2 had rages they didnt know how to control at 10 - dd2 still does a bit at 11.6. A lot of it is hormonal, their little bodies are going through huge changes even though to us they are still babies- well to me anyway
MrsPenguin I think it was had a thread on this about 3/4 months ago but I am useless at doing links, sorry. HTH xx

Cheers for all the support, but I could bloody strangle her now!!!

We were in a shop today and I saw a little card slightly bigger than a gift tag. I said to dd that would be ideal for a sorry note, not to in your face/embarassing just enough to say sorry. Dd refused to choose a pattern and said "can't I just not do it again" I said "I don't know can you?"

She said she didn't like this girl so I said "I'm not telling you to be her friend just say sorry!!!!"

This made me very cross and I told her this without shouting ( which I so far had managed not to do) but she contiued to push all afternoon.

So this evening I was going through DS!'s spellings with him. I asked DD why she hadn't got any this week( I've asked her 5 times this weekend if she's done all her home work) She then said she did which she produced from her bag, the writing was awful, joined up scrawl I could't read them let alone DD learning how to spell them.

I told her to write them out with proper letter formation and look up them meanings/spellings in her dictionary. She cried made a fuss pulled faces at me etc so I lost it! I haven't shouted the whole time but my throat really hurts now so I must have shouted loud. I just don't think she's sorry about any off it, I've tried to make excuses but maybe she is just horrid

My Mum asked her what she thought would happen if she was expelled she said maybe someone could teach her at home or she could go to private school WTF. What planet is dd living on!

We're meant to be going to spain this friday but I don't think I can cope with her ATM. What do you do when you really don't think you can raise your child anymore really very

Oh dear - she sounds really troubled. And you sound at the end of your tether. Are you any further along the psychologist route? I don't think you can deal with this without professional help TBH.

If you can find time to read, there are loads of books about what to do if your child is bullying. Any of the anti-bullying organisations will help, as well.

This book has some really practical advice, although aimed at a slightly older age group. Flick to the grids towards the middle of the book, suggesting what action parents can take - chapter 5, I think.

Poor you. Don't despair, though - you're getting her problems addressed at an early age, you haven't left it too late by any means. Get her the help she needs now.