Hello I'm looking for advice on how to successful Co parent with a difficult ex. I initiated our separation as he was unsupportive, had emotional abusive tenancies and was quite controlling towards me. I believe because I initiated the separation I am feeling guilt over it and therefore am being too soft on him, despite the reasons for me leaving were ultimately caused by him. He wasn't involved with our DS until I threatened to leave but by then it was too late as I already lost all feelings / respect for him and knew it wasn't going to work. That was 9 months ago and now he does have DS sporadically but will refuse to get into a routine, I've suggested every other weekend Friday PM TIL Sunday PM with an overnight during the week, but he said every other weekend isn't enough so wants every weekend, yet he ends up having him for less than 24 hours (eg will have him Friday pm til Saturday am despite saying he'd have him for the day saturday meaning I have to cancel plans last minute) then a few hours Sunday taking him out to the park or for lunch, but I never know exact timings of when he's back or when he's going. I feel like I want to get into a routine so we both know where we stand and can have our own plans, I find it unfair that ex can commit to sporting activities weekly yet I don't have that option, and I want to be organised so our DS has a routine, he's just turned 27 months old and is a well behaved child but I'm aware he's going to need routine or else it could all go tits up. He doesn't have set bedtime etc. At his dad's and then he always comes back tired / out of routine. I'm currently living back at my mums and it's causing tension with her too as my ex has let me down on the times he is going to have him so my mum has had to provide last minute childcare as I've had things booked with friends. I've suggested shared calendars on our phones etc. And my ex seems to just belittle my ideas or if I try and get organised in advanced, he asks why and asks what I am doing etc. And if my mum has my DS if I am doing something then my ex messages me saying he can't believe I'm not with our son, "oh are you out again" etc... No I just like to know what I am doing even if it is just looking forward to a bubble bath in peace!
I work 4 days a week, my ex works 5 and sometimes does the odd Saturday, usually gets his rota from work in advance, I have changed my job role and hours to incorporate my child into my life and he won't even ask about a guaranteed early finished / late start once a week so he can be there for nursery pick up / drop offs. He acts like he misses him always but won't commit to planning ahead. I feel like I'm hitting against a brick wall as I don't want to 'bang on' at him as he gets angry, but I don't know how to approach it. What do you do?