My son, Charlie, is 21 and spends all day long in his bedroom alone, but after we go to bed he comes downstairs and is in the living room most of the night. Often he sleeps on the sofa and only goes up to his bedroom at about 6 o’clock. He does come down for dinner when we call him but eats very little before rushing back upstairs. Sitting at the dinning table he usually says absolutely nothing, replies to any question or pleasantry with a groan or just silence and mostly has his eyes closed (he has even sat through restaurant meals with his eyes closed). He does eat of course but when nobody is around. He has no friends, his phone does not ring, no one calls round and he almost never goes out. His one hobby is weight lifting and he has bought himself a set of weights and will just occasionally come and start telling me at length about the great Russia, Iranian and Bulgarian exponents, of whom he knows all the champion’s names and achievements. We have sometimes got him to come away on short family holidays but he seems to be tired and sleepy much of the time and has to be persuaded to get off his bed and come out with us all for the day.
His mother and I are prettily happily married, live a settled life and never have anything you could call a row. There have been no traumas in his life and he has had a happy childhood. His sister, 23, is now living and working abroad. They went together to the local primary and then to a good and friendly secondary school. His maths and physics A level teachers both emailed that he had ability but did the least amount of study he could get away with. He got low A level grades and said he would study at home and resit the following year. He didn’t seem to do any studying, just X-boxing and got almost the same results and repeated the exercise the following year. After 24 months he managed to get into university while remaining living at home to do a foundation course in computer science and engineering. He tells us almost nothing at all and we didn’t even know he would actually be going to university until he started leaving the house in the morning and I suspected that his main interest was the student weights gym. In the exams last spring he seems to have done badly and has given up. Even though we are careful not to be judgemental or nosey, when we ask him about college, getting a job, maybe going on Operation Raleigh or what he might want to do in the future he is silent or if pressed will just walk away. He often does not answer even when I say hello.
Apparently, he went to his GP about 2 years ago and said he was depressed and felt hopeless and was referred to CAMHS where he had a consultation but nothing transpired and I only learned of this later. From around age 10 he was always very embarrassed by his relatives when in public. He is secretive and if he is in the living room and I walk in he will usually get up and go to his bedroom after 20 seconds (even though I always ask him to chose any TV programme of his preference etc).
I can’t imagine him ever getting a job, girlfriend, home of his own or anything resembling a happy normal and sociable life! He seems to be in a self-imposed solitary confinement. I am afraid that he may be depressed and at risk of self-harm (or perhaps maybe has some physical medical condition that makes him lethargic and despondent). Basically I have no idea how to help him. I have explained that one day he will have to make an independent life for himself and suggested that he might seek counselling but with literally no reply. If he won’t seek therapy then I can’t see how I (or anyone) can help him: so any advice would be hugely appreciated.