How do I get my 4 yo to school without battling every sodding day

[ImYourWomanJonSnow]

My 4 yo never ever wants to go to school - or to his swim lessons, or to the park, or see friends, pretty much every time we need to get through the door he cries, refuses to put his shoes and coat on, hides in the corner etc etc. He is fine once we’re actually out, it’s the transition that creates all the drama. I’m finding this very stressful and my usual breezy attitude is off at the moment, I have to drop him off every day if the week plus get myself to work and toddler to childcare three days a week. I’m afraid this morning I did my horror voice as I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel bad and embarrassed and I could see he was scared of me. I really don’t want to be that mum. Anyone else dealt with this? Please help? I think I need to work on my morning zen but also some tips how to get him through the bloody door without the drama.

For getting out the door can you make a game of it - a dinosaur just ran out the door and we need to chase it, make it fun. Or a small treat he can have on the way to school - a sticker or something yummy...

Second what PP said. My 4 year old boy is very awkward and stubborn when he wants to be, and making it a game or turning it into a race is the only way we get anywhere beyond snail's pace some times!

I like the idea of the game, that would probably help diffuse the grump. He’s not into competing - so that wouldn’t work. And he sees right through it!

Thank you!

My DD2, now 14, was always poor at transitions.

10 minute warning
5 minute warning
2 minutes

helped.

Otherwise I'd go for bribery. If you leave nicely you get a sticker. 5 stickers means a prize, that kind of thing.

Is he anxious about anything in particular? Just thinking about myself - I often get nervous about going out and doing things (I do have anxiety), often for reasons I don’t fully understand, so could imagine a 4 year old could quite easily be feeling something similar, even if it’s not obviously that.

Could you talk through what’s going to happen at school, with his friends etc? Eg are you going to play with that toy you really like, talking through what he’s doing at school and what will happen once he gets there, and also when he will be home again.

I think the reminders of how long he has before leaving would be helpful too, as PP have said.

My Ds2 has always been like this. His spirit animal is Eeyore. At 6 he's still not a natural joiner-in of things, but it does get easier!

Sticker charts were good for us - start with easy and very clear goals for a few stickers (eg 3 stickers for a babycino) then you can graduate to a few more stickers for something cooler.

Also it's the last thing you want to do in the moment, but sometimes spending 3 minutes extra to make it a game saves you 15 minutes and many years. There's a book called Playful Parenting that has good tips and help with stressful situations. Ours was a fan of things like putting shoes on his hands and feet and being a horse (means he has his shoes on!), or me sternly forbidding him to go out the door before me (so he'd race out the door) etc.

Many tears not years - though leaving the house with a reluctant child can certainly feel that way!

Thank you for the replies and ideas everyone.

I do the 15 min etc warning but what happens is that it triggers the complaining, so by the time we get to 2 minutes he's worked himself up in a state and it's difficult to snap him out of it. I have been showing him the clock and when the big hand is on certain number we need to be ready to go, I think that is slowly sinking in.

Thank you for reminding me of rewards, we tried that for going to nursery last year and I think he may have been too young for delayed gratification, he just didn't get it. He may understand it now. Do you let them chose their treat, or have options, or you just com up with something (that you dress as a treat and you were going to do anyway ).

Trying to talk about school and what happens and friends works up to a point, but sometimes it makes him even more irate.

This is really all confusing and frustrating, he is actually a sociable, confident little boy, once we get through the door he is fine, and he just joins whatever is going on, is happy to talk to strangers etc. But transition is always and invariably a nightmare.

Transitions are hard for them sometimes - I've got one a bit like that, but less so as he's got older...would.quite happily sit his pants reading a book all day at home, but perfectly fine once he's up and running.

How about making the run-up fun...we used to use the A team theme tune to march around and get shoes on, etc.

And then when actually going out of the door, not a competition, but something silly - so who can do the most.stupid walk/funkiest dance/loudest sing out of the door? And give him a sticker the second he's done it and is on the way?

Would those possibly work? I find the music works really really well to make it fun and focused (if you choose the right music!)

Caveat - I couldn't be arsed with all this this morning, and just shouted instead, which didn't work as well ;-)

Glad another poster has also mentioned sweets - I'm afraid a tiny sweet is probably your friend in these circs!!

A picture timeline is helpful too, a cartoon of what has to be done every morning so the routine is very well known to him so he’s not surprised at going out time. I used to give them a small treat on the way to school once we get out the door - better than shouting and having a terrible day feeling bad about that!

could you do an advent calendar that can only be opened if shoes and coat on at agreed time. my dd knows we have yo leave at 8.50 and where the big hand is on the clock. I'm hoping to improve over December by only getting advent before school if ready to go by 8.45 - she'll get it after school instead.

I do the race thing too! He cries if I "win" anything.

How about getting him to paint a stone. The stone lives on your doorstep. As he goes out the door he picks it up and either puts it in the pouch behind the front seat of the car or in your bag.

When you collect him he takes the stone out the car/bag and places it on the front step.

This is a security thing and a physical prompt that he will be going home. It can help. You'll need to do it a few times for him to really understand it.

Have a look at time timers, it can take some of the stress out of a countdown.

@cushioncuddle

That stone idea is so lovely :-)