How do we get in touch with 14 year old estranged son?

[aintnuthinbutaSHEthang]

Need some help please - all opinions are welcome.

Me and husband have two sons together (10 and 7) and he has a 15 year old from previous relationship. When I met my husband, the son was 5 years old he basically told me the ex was some horrible lying evil blah blah and I tend to take all of that with a pinch of salt - everyone hates their exes, right? He told me she had an affair with a man doing roadworks outside of their house and then suddenly disappeared with him.

Anyway, long story short, he was right. The woman is a nightmare. From copying my clothes and hair after she met me, to refusing to let our son wear clothes we bought him, play games we buy him, ride his go kart we got for his bday. She would whisper things in his ear as he walked into our house and he would burst into tears and she would just grin and walk off whilst we spent hours consoling him. He never once told us what she would say. He wouldn't tell us anything about his home life. One time, I asked him if he was going anywhere nice in the 6 weeks holiday with his mum and all the blood drained from his face whilst he slowly lied to me that they weren't doing anything. (They went to France, which was fine and we have no idea why he was told to lie.)

Then one day, she disappeared. Phone numbers dead. House empty. It took us two years and solicitors to find her and our son. We managed to get her in court to re-establish our fri-sun contact every week. She told them we were dangerous. Turned out she had ran off and married some bloke. The bloke turned out to be the roadworks guy!!

Anyway, we managed contact for 18 months and then it came to xmas and she kicked off because we had alternating christmases in the court order and she decided she didn't want to. We turned up to pick him up for our Christmas together and she had disappeared again. House empty. Phone numbers dead. Son was removed from school with no notice. Safeguarding couldn't help us. No one could find them. 18 months later, with absolutely no info, a friend said they saw them in a town centre and we started to investigate. We found our son at a new school, they were in a new area and new house and she had suddenly divorced the new husband.

We started action again so we could see our son again, and it was progressing well and then we got phone calls from social care saying we had been reported for child abuse. She had made a report that the reason she moved house was because we had attempted to drown our son, and abused him. We were absolutely gob smacked and neither of us knew what to do.

We had no idea what would happen to our own kids or our jobs (both in social work).
They interviewed our son away from us and he said he didn't know what his mum was talking about - honestly could not have been more relieved. Social worker told us he was genuinely confused by what his mum said.

However, they wouldn't help us maintain contact and she disappeared with him again.
We recently found him at a new school in a new area. He's now 15 and this chaos has been going on for years. We tried to gain contact again and he has refused to see us, he says he hates us.
We have literally tried everything. She's blocked us on every social media she has and he has. She's told the school we are dangerous. The school won't even send us school reports. We have no phone numbers for them and we can't exactly turn up at her house because she could make up all sorts of lies. Years ago, I personally went to her house to try to talk to her about the court action so we could do it amicably and she was so nice to my face and then reported me to police when I left!

I want your opinions. What do we do? How do we contact our son? How do we make sure he's okay? He's been moved so many times? What happened to the husband and his step dad? How do we ever get him to understand what has happened?

I feel lost. My husband has been writing monthly letters to his son and posting them to the address but he knows deep down that she will never let his son read them.

What options do we have here? Any thoughts?

Sorry typo in the body, he's 14 now, 15 just after Xmas!

Wow! I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but posting a handhold as that is a complete mess.
His mum is clearly telling him alsorts about you which he will believe if he’s being told it all the time. At his age even if ss engage, if he says he doesn’t want to see you it becomes very hard to make him.
It may be a case of being patient and trying to keeps tabs on where he is until he is ready to have a relationship.
I hope someone with experience of this comes along soon to help

'Our son'?

Is that how you phrase it to his mother?

Not saying anything she's done is right or even understandable but you are overstepping on that one

Poor kid. What a mess.

Is there a court order in place? What does that say?

If he has parental responsibility the school should communicate with him.

I'm afraid it was the constant use of 'our' son that jumped out at me. This young person isn't your son and it sounds as if, sadly his contact with his father has been so sporadic that there is little relationship there. At 15 no court order can oblige him to see a parent he's choosing not to see as far as I know. Can I assume that your husband has paid towards his son's maintenance for 15 years?
It may well be that once he matures and is more independent from his mother he may choose to have contact with his father again. Until then I'm not sure your husband can do much more

No advice but keep,on trying.

On these A’Long last family’ programmes, the ‘lost’ person is always really appreciative that the parent has tried to keep,in touch.

If your dh has parental rights also, you contact the school, prove you are innocent, so at least get access to school reports etc.

Are you able,to contact any neutral person. Ie. Sister of ex, who could facilitate contact, or at least you could send the letters to.

I disagree with other posters about the use of "our" son it shows you have accepted him as one of your own and love him unconditionally sure what anyone would want a stepparent to do, doesn't mean you are stepping on toes here and doesn't mean you are saying that to his mum, not sure why posters like to presume they know all the facts and more from a single post.

I don't have any advice for you but good luck to you both with trying to get contact

A new tack is needed because what you've been doing so far isn't working.

I'd start with some legal advice. Vexatious complaints to ss, breaking previous court orders, and calling the police are all serious.

However, it sounds like this boy has been poisoned against you and you've got your work cut out because it's fruitless going through his mum at 15 he's old enough to make his own mind up.

A couple of words of caution. I have a similar aged son. He is a sensitive soul and all thianwould bentoo much for him. So much anger and hatred affects kids. Also like pp have said, calling him our son isn't really on: he's not your son and that's complicating things. Confusing for him, a red rag to his mum and perhaps shows a lack of understanding of normal 'blended' family boundaries.

Perhaps you need to give it a year or so, continue to write, perhaps save some money for his adulthood and approach it when he is old enough to truly make his own decisions.

Morning everyone

A few things to answer:

Yes my husband has always paid CSA maintenance so that's not an issue here

I used 'our son' because I'm new to the forum and don't know the acronyms you use for the kids. He is our son, just like our other two sons. When he was here, and everything was okay, he fit right in and he was happy and content. He's not my son, obviously. When we speak to his mum we call him his name, it would be very obtuse to call him 'our son' in conversation with his own mother!

My husband has his trust fund and has been paying into it before I met him. We still pay into it now and it will be available when he is 18. But at this rate, I'm not sure he will want it or come to talk to us about it with all of the chaos he's lived through.

Husband has PR. We have tried going through every school, but she always does something very serious. At one school she told them were were violent ex criminals which was extremely embarrassing because the school had security stand next to us at the Christmas play. So, we've always gone through the schools but she always scares them about us. Even when the headteachers
Meet us, and we tell them what we do and who we are and obviously we need DBS checks and I have enhanced police vetting as I work with police - it doesn't seem to matter but we can't work out what she tells them. Some of the schools sent us reports. Some of them refused. The new one only sends us his annual report.

Honestly, I have never ever met a person like her. She's tried everything.

I just feel like he's been isolated from his brothers, he's alone, he's being moved schools and houses at the drop of a hat, I'm worried about the impact on him, I'm worried what she's said. I don't know how to help, I've done everything possible to support my husband and we have ran out of ideas. Every time we go down the route of solicitors She ups and runs. We don't want that for him again, not at this age just before GCSEs and stuff.

If two social workers have been unable to maintain access to his DS then I really don't think anyone can. Hopefully your DH keeps copies of all the letters he sends his DS, this alongside the evidence of maintenance he has paid will help to show that he cared and never gave up on the boy.

At almost 15 the boy's voice would be heard if your DH went back to court, which is what he should do. Failing that your DH will have to wait and hope his DS makes contact in time. Very sad for all concerned.

School had security stand next to you? since when do schools have security?

All sounds rather far fetched to me.

Is she broke the court order your OH should have applied to enforce the order. They would have found her.

Sounds like she's running regularly and that makes me ask why? And from whom?

It does sound ridiculous written down, I grant you that!

Yes, we were at a Christmas play and there were two men doing sort of door work/taking tickets. We went to watch the play and realised that these men had followed us into the hall and were stood about three feet behind us both to the left and right of us.

The head teacher then came up to us and said 'I don't want any trouble' and we just stood there with jaws open. I was so embarrassed. It was humiliating.

Anyway, I know it sounds far fetched. Nothing I can do about that.

Yes we went back to court repeatedly to enforce and as soon as the gets the new letter from the court to ask her to come back so we can re establish the order, she runs. That's why we've never managed to pin it down. She's breached it over and over but when we try to take action she disappears.

A trust fund is not maintenance and doesn't and hasn't helped with his day to day living costs.

SCIFI101

I've clearly stated further up that my husband has paid CSA maintenance throughout and never missed a payment AND he has paid into the trust fund.

It's both, not either.

I'm unsure why this is becoming about money and my husband and so on.

My question was whether anyone had any ideas of how to contact or engage a teenage boy, without causing him more distress, more chaos, without the risk of the Mum disappearing again.

We've tried:

Courts and solicitors
Letters
Via the school
Via safeguarding teams
Social media
Talking directly to her many times

None of it works. We are running out of ideas.

At one school she told them were were violent ex criminals

Have you ever tried to sue for slander.

At the very least it would get her to answer to some of the lies.

Did you put the HT right and tell her not to take any notice of this woman as she has a habit of making up outlandish claims.

If she is like this with you, you don’t know what has happened with other people.

You might not be the reason she does a flit on a regular basis.

Not sure how to tag but OliversMumArmy - my husband wanted to try that after she randomly made up that we had drowned him but I felt that it would probably make things even worse and wouldn't help us to see his son. Even if we successfully sued for slander, they are broke. We don't want go sue her, we want to see our son - his brothers want to see him. That's all we want. She has tried everything possible and yes, the telling of the HT that were were violent ex criminals and then the false accusation to social care was very extreme. We talked to HT twice at length, and he sort of treated us like we were lying. Even when I proved who I was and so did husband, he was just so wary of us both and kept telling us that he didn't want any trouble on school grounds - it was SO embarrassing.

Don't want to sound overly negative, but at 15 he is able to decide whether he wants to see you or not. By trying to see him via all these avenues, you might be pressuring him to move further and further away since he is influenced by his mother. Have you thought that maybe it's better to back off and let him live his life as he wants ?

He is at an age where family drama is just what they don't want. Even teens with fairly standard families can become isolated and withdrawn at that age. Perhaps if you backed off and waited until he is older and more mature, you might do better. Good luck.

Birdie6

This is exactly what I was thinking! I'm so worried that by putting extra pressure on him it will make him feel even worse. I've been suggesting to husband to let him find his way back to us in his own time and see what he says - but I can understand my husband is so hurt and misses him so much

Honestly it sounds like more harms been done by his mum trying to keep him away than if you'd stepped back a bit.
He's been stuck in the middle of this, and despite it not being your DHs fault it may be best for him to realise its doing more harm than good currently.
Is he able to contact son directly, send one message saying he loves him, but will wait for him to feel ready to see him.
Send Xmas and birthday cards, and once he's 18 if he's likely to be going to university try and get in touch via social media (to cut the mum out of the equation) and see if he wants to get in touch then once he's out of his mums house and she doesn't need to know.
Currently it sounds like your step son is getting his life disrupted every time you and DH try to get contact. And as its not worked it seems like pointless harm.

I honestly think you have to keep trying, but don't expect it to work, if you see what I mean.

He'll be 18 fairly soon and will be out & away from his mother. That will likely provide a natural opportunity for him to reach out to you. But only if he knows you want him - and the only way you can show him that right now is to keep reaching out to him via the avenues available to you - the legal system.

The only way you can show him that right now is to keep reaching out to him via the avenues available to you - the legal system.

I don't think this is the right approach. The legal route has not been successful so far and seems to have lead to the kind of distress, chaos and distruption for him that OP now wants to avoid.

And anyway, family courts are unlikely to make an order in respect of an older teenager.

Teenage years can be a nightmare, even more so for a young man who has been through so much upheaval. Backing off and letting him come to you is probably the best approach. It's not giving up, it's letting ds grow up and take control of his life.

This is so sad. I agree with you calling him 'our son', you sound lovely & I'm sorry you and your husband (and children) are going through this.
Maybe you could write letters to your son & maybe save a copy and document the date. So even if nothing else works you have tried to contact him and can prove to him when he eventually comes around.
Poisoned children so often come around but not until they are more mature and can try to understand things for themselves.

I think, unfortunately, the only way now might be to step back and wait. As sad as it is for your husband and sons (and you, of course), what you need to think about now is what is best for him. At 15, he is not many years away from total independence from his mother, and it is a crucial time in his education when his mother suddenly moving him again would not be good. It is a sad situation all around but I can't see another route you could take at this stage that wouldn't potentially do more harm than good.

I think the persistence both of you have shown and the consistent attempts to reach him, contributing financially, etc. will all show that you were there and trying to maintain a relationship with him. When he is older and away from his mother's influence, he will see that.