hi. so I am 45 years old and the Mom to one 8 year old boy. He is a pretty difficult child in terms of- he can be kind of mean to me, he is kind of high strung. He is wonderful in many ways but our relationship is not the sweet connected one I had always wanted. I have always been an attached Mom but the problem is I got sick when he was 3 and have been mostly sick a lot since then. I got lyme disease and then it turned into a difficulty breathing issue- which I am still right now trying to figure out if it is an asthma type thing or a lyme co infection-- long other story recently it has gotten much worse.
As a result of me not feeling well, two things happened. One is, I wish I had had a second child when my son was a toddler- so I had two kids now. At the time form when he was a baby to age three ( before I got sick) I was just so full with parenting him that my husband and I thought it would be good just to have one. But I also had him at 37 so I didn't already have a ton of time to wait. Then I got sick and basically I am pretty weak a lot, and get really overwhelmed with my child- so my husband does way more with him, takes him to most events and playdates and things. So he is way more loving and affectionate to my husband than he is to me. I know if I can get healthier and start to be more active in his life we could bond more. but its not just that- he just has a difficult personality. to further complicate matters, he was conceived via anonymous donor sperm because we discovered my husband is infertile.
So now, at age 45 and still ill with breathing issues that I am zeroing in on and hopefully going to finally get rid of, I find myself really wanting another baby! I have dreams all the time that I have another baby.
But I only want another baby if I can get healthy first. As it is now I sped a lot of time resting and trying to breathe easier- and a pregnancy would be difficult in this state, as well as the energy to raise another kid. I know 45 is old to have a baby- and I would be even older. I still have regular cycles.
My older sister has 6 kids-- one after the other- and her last one she had at 46 . Her kids are really happy and they all play together. She is 49 now but she has tons of energy, is very calm, and is a great mom.
Me, I cant even breathe much of the time( exacerbated 7 weeks ago after a virus, going to many doctors, still unclear about it- two new doctors this week).
I am pretty sure I won't have another kid. I just find myself wanting one. What I really want is to get healthy. I know it is not too late to repair my relationship with my difficult son . He just isn't always very kind to me . I know if I can get healthy and do more things with him we can strengthen our bond so really that is my goal.
My son and my husband just came back tonight form spending a few days with my sister her husband and their six kids. they live 6 hours away form us. he had so much fun and I know it isn't as fun for him at our home with him being an only child and me always struggling with breathing.
I obviously don't think this is the best time or situation for me to have another kid!I am just saying in an ideal world, if I got 100% healthy it would be cool.
But yeah my son got home and he wasn't even very warm or loving to me even after being away for 4 days. He was exhausted and grumpy form the drive but it just made me feel sad and lonely and wish I could have a more sweeter bond with him.
I just want to get healthy already.