Help me find the easiest way to do this??

[justtryingtodoitright]

Hi all!
NC as could be outing.
A little advice needed.

I have 3 children. 13, 11 and 8. I have been separated from their bio dad for 8 years. He was a violent, drunk cheat and only a dad when it suited him.

I have been with current partner for 7 years, he has taken on the role of dad fully and my children choose to use his surname for school, sports etc.

My ex does not have contact except a text of request to see them every 6 months to a year.
He has seen my middle son on 2 occasions in the past 5 years at the request of the child, this was supervised by me.
My oldest wants no contact at all and will not even engage in conversation with him.
My youngest is unbothered, has some SEN issues, doesn't want his life to change. He adores his (step) dad.

My eldest wants to change his surname legally, I have broached the subject previously with my ex as he is on birth cert and he refused, even if it was hyphenated. It's quite and emotional subject for my son and affects him- he is always conscious of his 'real' name and having to explain to friends etc, he doesn't divulge his parental situation to many but obviously questions are raised when friends see his legal name at school or on passport etc.

What's the best route to go down? I was thinking of sending a clear and concise email and hoping that he agrees to make it easier for everyone.

Is there any weight in the fact that he doesn't have contact and has never paid a penny in maintenance?

Has anyone been through this before?

Thanks in advance.

I'm pretty sure you don't need consent to hyphenate his name (I.e add stepdads name so it's 'Johnson-Smith' for example'. I'm only speaking from experience of what my mum did with my name. I'm almost 31 so realise laws might have changed by then.

I think consent is only needed to remove your exes surname and change DCsname completely. I'd personally just go ahead and add the hyphen and let ex know as a courtesy if that's legally allowed.

Ah ok! I thought any changes had to have his consent, will look into this.

I would suggest to DS that he continues to use his (step) Dad’s name wherever he can for the next two years. When he’s ‘approaching’ 15 he can legally change it by deed poll. Then he can get everything in the name of his REAL Dad, his (step) DAD.

I wouldn’t poke the sleeping bear (aka his bio father) now for fear of him deciding to be more involved in your lives.

That's a good point. (And thank you for saying Real dad) 😊

It takes a Real man to step up, and I'm very grateful for mine.