feeding himself to sleep

[milkybarkid]

Hi,

This is the first time I have complained about my son and feel terrible doing it but am at the end of my tether. I love ds to bits but I can't cope with him waking so much at the mo. I'm pregnant, hes 8 months old and am still breastfeeding him. I dont want to stop bf but am so exhausted as he wants to feed all night.

I find myself falling asleep feeding him and am scared of dropping him. He wont sleep on his own, he has to fall asleep at the breast,. My nipples are so sore cos hes not feeding properly and just sucking on the end. After a few sucks hes fast asleep but once down he starts screaming, so I leave him on for longer but as I say, can fall asleep myself then.

Is there any "uncruel" way to get him used to falling asleep on his own; he sometimes wakes every half hour and its just too much. The tiredness has me intears sometimes and I cant enjoy this pregnancy as so exhausted and miserable.

Oh Milkybarkid, I really sympathise. DS was like this for quite a while and some nights I got so upset I was afraid I'd hit him or something. My HV gave me the Richard Ferber book Solve Your Child's Sleeo Problem, and it really helped me. Basically, your DS has developed an association between sleep and BF. Jst like if you were to wake up and find your pillow on the floor or something, you wouldn't be able to go back to sleep till you'd got it back - your DS can't sleep again till he's had another suck at the breast. This must be so hard for you being PG as well.

It sounds as though you're too exhausted to stomach controlled crying right now. You could see if your DS will suck on a dummy instead but in the long run this would just end up with you having to keep putting the dummy back in his mouth, so would probably just spare your nipples whilst not fixing the real prob.

If you know he's had a good feed at bedtime, and has a nice dry nappy, then he's OK. There isn't really a way to fix this prob without some crying from him, but I promise you it is worth it if you can deal with the first night or two. Just go in, comfort him still in his cot (my DS used to go apeshit when he realised I wouldn't pick him up but I stuck to it anyway), and then leave, whether or not he stops crying. Go back in every few minutes and do the same thing, with a minimum of talking or eye contact.

Eventually he will be so knackered he falls asleep. This may take a couple of hours but hopefully much less. The first night is horrendous, the second is bad... but if you're consistent you will find by the end of the first week things are a lot better. Don't start this routine unless you know you can go through with it though - if you crack after a couple of nights you will just be reinforcing DS's pattern of crying to get what he wants.

I really do know from my own experience how hard this is and how it can make you totally lose your perspective on things. My DS was such a bad sleeper I ended up quite on antidepressants for a while. My HV told me in 15 years she'd never seen a child with a worse sleep problem, and was v supportive, and in the end we got there with him. It was the impending arrival of DD that made me realise I HAD to stick with CC, and in our case things got better after a week but took a good month or two to really improve properly. It was definitely worth it as we are all a lot happier now.

Good luck. Keep posting as I'm sure all the MNers will be really supportive on this one - we've all been there!

I had a similar problem (not pg though) and have never wanted to do any form of controlled crying. I found the Tommee Tippee cups with the green spouts worked wonders for ds (now 12 months). He still wakes about every 2 hours but I just sleepily point the cup (filled with water) at him and he goes off again. Then again, I co-sleep so maybe that's no help to you?

I don't think you need to do control crying but as you seem to have realised he is crying for comfort not food..... what about his daddy??? Can you sleep in another room and ask dad to settle him when he cries (use a dummy if need be) and not to bring him in if he is hungry ? If daddy can't do it.... any chance a friend or relative help for 2 or 3 nights ? Are you co-sleeping?

he wont take a dummy or cup or bottle

In that case, what about pupuce's idea of dad settling him back off with cuddles? Is that possible?

I did a version cc at this age and it was SO painless, I can't tell you. My HORRIBLE sleeper was transformed. The longest stretch of crying was 20 minutes and it was definitely a protesting/complaining cry, not an anguished one. When he woke again we didn't go to him and he went to sleep after about ten minutes, and it never got harder than that. After a couple of nights he started to sleep beautifully. He's three next month and he sleeps eleven hours at night and two hours in the day - often more. He woke us up at 8am today
Before we did this though, I did cut out most of his night feeds (which were for comfort for sure). We spread them out so he fed less and gave him a dummy and my dh went to him (as Pupuce advises). It really, really wasn't cruel. He was a MUCH sunnier child for getting a good night's sleep (babies really do need sleep just as we do for their health and wellbeing). In fact, I steeled myself to do this because I thought, would I give him chocolate just because he cried? Would I let him put his fingers in the electricity socket just because he cried? Would I feel cruel if he cried becauese I wouldn't let him put his fingers in the socket? No. The truth is, babies really don't know what is best for them. It's not good for him to be up all night, driving you to despair, so you can't be the best possible mummy to him. You will BOTH benefit from a proper night's sleep and it's worth tackling. I felt very much like you and had an equally vile sleeper, but found that at 8months it was the perfect age to turn this round, and we've never looked back.
MY son is genuinely happier for it, and he's the most affectionate boy I know!

im afraid he will hate me for leaving him to cry, i dont want him to think i dont care

did co sleeping for first few weeks then in cot, once used to it he slept brilliantly for a while, now tried cosleeping again to save getting out of bed so much but doesnt help, wont sleep with me or alone

Milkybarkid... you need to decide what you want.... I am sounding harsh but you either want to resolve this and get your hubby involved for example and settle your baby in someone else's arms or you will just have to live with his behaviour and there is no reason for it to improve on its own!....
Why would your baby feel you are abandonning him???? Think about it !

BTW - I have to ask this question... do you feel your baby is happy with this current situation? If not.... then DO something... you need to help your child to sleep well.... like you need to teach your child to feed properly/well... this is our role as a parent... not everything is easy to teach but it is your role!

Milkybarkid, look I understand. I've been there. My ds used to wake up every half hour too. I was on my knees with exhaustion. I DEFINITELY wasn't the mother I could be. I PROMISE you babies don't 'hate' you - no more than your baby will 'hate' you because you don't let him put his finger in the electric socket. The day my son slept through he woke up happier than I'd ever seen him in the morning, full of smiles & cuddles. I remember saying to my dh "Look, he doesn't hold it against us"!
He certainly doesn't hate me now. The other day I was telling him off for some hideous behaviour, and said, "People don't like you when you do X", and my son said, completely complacently, "Mummy likes me"!
As Pupuce says so astutely, you can make all sorts of reasons not to tackle this issue, or you can try to think of ways in which to tackle it. It depends how much you want it.

He won't hate you, Milkybarkid, he won't even remember. I spent hours fretting about the psychological damage I might be causing DS by leaving him to cry himself to sleep, and my HV said "What about the psychological damage you're causing yourself by never getting a decent night's sleep? How can you be the best parent you can be if you're so tired you can't think straight?", which I thought was a fair point.

My CC experience was quite tough, but as Aloha has said, DS was really transformed once he got settled in his room on his own. He went from grumpy and temperamental a lot of the time to happy, smiley and sweet most of the time, which of course meant the way I related to him was different, and our whole relationship became so much more rewarding.

You must do what is right for you. If you feel that your current situation is tough, but that you can probably cope with it and don't want to do CC, then hang in there. All children settle down on their own eventually. But if you feel you're at the end of your tether, ask DH for some support, agree on what you're going to do, and then go for it together.

Hearing your baby cry is always horrible, but you will know the difference between genuinely distressed (in which case obviously offer as much comfort as necessary) and just angry.

Thanks for all your replies. Am wondering what controlled crying actually involves, do you still go straight in but just not pick him up and instead talk to him a bit then go out for say 5 minutes and if hes still crying pick him up or what. My other problem is my before the birth wonderful dp has now left and wants a divorce so I dont and I dont have friends or family nearby

oh poor you.....how pregnant are you? what is dp doing?? is he still in the house?

i think there is a thread around here somewhere on controlled crying....will try and find it for you

i'd try persisting with dummy. try to get someone else to put ds to bed/rock him with one. do you have family around?

poor you milkybarkid no wonder you are at end of tether. i think you are very right to tackle this sleeping problem and brave to think about doing it now. you are not complaining about your son - you are asking for practical advice about something which is a problem for both of you. sensible you.

hope titania can find the info - i will happily post info straight from book if not, so sue me! there are two 'timetables' in Ferber's book, one involves shorter gaps between 'visits' to your child than others. it is helpful to read other stuff in the book. as you can tell i am a pro-cc person, other opinions are available!

there is controlled crying and controlled comforting now isnt there?

article on controlled crying

Milkybarkid, how's it going? I really feel for you. Pregnant, an eight month old and your dp leaving you. How dare he! I think you are an absolute heroine just for soldiering on. I don't know how you are coping.

hmmm. i've read the article and TBH I prefer Ferber's timetables. 10 minutes is an age on the first night i think. also IMO disturbed sleep is just as likely to be a habit as to be anything to do with emotions. imo only.

thats fine.....will keep looking for things for you....different things work for different people after all.

whoops sorry that wasn't a reaction from mbk! sorry, didn't mean to hijack.

ferber again... mbk, Ferber's aim on cc is to help child learn to sleep by themselves. must say that my original aim was to co-sleep but for various reasons this didn't work out for us. Sometimes I wish it had so i am not advocating Ferber or cc come what may. works for us tho.

His 'progressive approach' on the shorter timetable means putting your child to bed in a regular routine/time, putting them down awake, then going away.

Assuming they cry, wait for a specified no. of minutes, then go in. all you are doing there is reassuring yourself that baby is OK and reassuring them that someone will always come. They don't have to stop crying necessarily. Stay for 2 - 3 minutes.

when you get to the max no of minutes for that day, keep going in after that no of minutes for as long as it takes for them to fall asleep.

if they wake during the night, do the same again but start at the max no of minutes. (ok - i myself would probably start again with the shorter length!!)

carry on until you reach getting up time.

use same system for naps.

Day 1: visit after 1 min, then 2 mins, 3 mins, 5 mins then 5 mins thereafter
Day 2: visit after 2 mins, 4 mins, 6 mins, 8 mins
Day 3: visit after 3 mins, 5 mins, 7 mins, 10 mins
Day 4; visit after 5 mins, 7 mins, 10 mins, 15 mins

The schedule carries on in the book but you get the idea. HTH