Bad Mam

[Cleo2607]

Hey guys. So I'm prepared for you all to tell me I'm an horrific mother and need to have my child taken off me but I just wanted some advice/people on the same boat/maybe a tiny bit of sympathy. I don't really have any friends with babies so I struggle a lot wondering if I'm just not meant to be a mother and that everyone else is better at this than me. Here goes....
So I do have post natal you know what. Its much easier to say that to a bunch of strangers than those close to me. I still just push it to one side 8 months later. I have an 8 month old son. Pregnancy was very planned. I had a bit of a difficult time but nothing too bad and birth was all fine (he did arrive 3 weeks early so I got all of 2 days maternity leave 🤦🏻‍♀️). Baby is happy and healthy. Perfect some people say (mainly his grandma 🙄). So here's the rub. I get so frustrated all the time. Sometimes I feel like he does things on purpose to make it harder for me. Cos he only does it with me. An example being half way thru his dinner the face comes and he fills his nappy. Down from the high chair clean him up back in the high chair to finish his dinner. Every single time. I get so frustrated and angry I shout at him. Not about the nappy/dinner thing. Unless it's been the last straw after a Bad morning of twining/Not being able to get washed without carrying on etc. I just lose my temper. I'm inclined to be that way. I'm the hothead and my fiance is the cool customer. Probably why we work well. Anyway back to baby. I will sometimes just leave him to cry When he's just being abit arsey. I know there's nothing wrong because I've done everything. He's currently not sleeping. Constantly whining and crying thru night even with his eyes closed so I am utterly exhausted. He's always been a great sleeper so it's a shock to our systems. My fiance works 12 hour shifts so our lifestyle isn't ideal at the moment and that puts more pressure on me. I've tried to reach out to people with babies who I know and I've basically been ignored. Leading me to become quite down and more Or less housebound. Does anyone else get frustrated and end up shouting or putting the baby down and going screaming into a pillow or giving the pillow a good punch? Or is it as I suspect and I am awful at this?
Please help

Oh and Yes I do feel incredibly guilty all the time. I often break down in tears or start uncontrollably hugging and kissing him if I've lost it with him

Talk to your HV about how you’re feeling. Or the GP too.

This has made me really sad. Phone your GP or speak to your HV.

So you have PND, is it self-diagnosed or have you spoken to your HV and/or GP about it?

I think you need antidepressants and CBT. ASAP. For your own sake and your baby's. You're not a bad mother but this level of anger with your baby is not ok and you need support NOW.

You could also contact PANDAS for advice:
www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/how-we-can-help/

Aw love! I don't know how to PM, I'm on the app. But I'm in the same boat. Wanted to PM you cause perhaps we are local and could pop out together. Walking the dog is great way of getting me out the house. Some days it's the only time I step outside.

I would definitely speak to your HV or GP. Although it’s human nature to all have our moments, I don’t think the anger you have towards baby is normal. They will be happy to help you though

Talk to your GP, it sounds like a tough time.

And the filling nappy at meal time is normal. I just change my LO when he's finished eating rather than half way through.

OP. It's do unbelievably hard. I've also got PND and a bad sleeper and find all I can do is take one day at a time. One thing that helps me is to remember that the reason he sometimes seems to be more difficult with me rather than others is because he is completely safe and comfortable with me. You are his home and he knows you're not going to go anywhere. It's so easy to get overwhelmed, do see your GP, I found that just talking to him made me feel so much better, and anti depressants may really help you get through a difficult time.