PND after EMCS and SCBU

[Anewmum2018]

Hello all,
My first post here, and just looking for a bit of support.
I had my first baby six weeks ago, after an induction and, after 30 hours of labour, an emergency c section when I developed an infection. Although the doctors were all very calm, I found the section very traumatic, and throughout I felt that I might die (was probably having a panic attack in retrospect). I was so out of it that I barely registered my boy being born, and can’t remember those moments.
My son was then taken straight to special care for the infection, where he stayed for 8 days.
I’ve had massive mental health problems since his birth. My main problem seems to be that I literally can’t cone to terms with the fact that he was born- I think because the section happened so quickly and I wasn’t with it, it genuinely feels like I haven’t given birth and he’s not my baby. Logically I know that he is, but since then I have felt extremely detached from him and life in general. I find it hard to feel as though I had a baby at all- more like I was ill for 30 hours, and then now have a little stranger to look after- like they are two separate events.
I imagine that the lack of contact I had with him after the birth and over the next 8 days while he was on neonatal all contributed to this feeling- so I can see why I’m feeling this way, but it breaks my heart. I want so much to feel love for my son and like his mum- but I feel so detached and keep having the intrusive thoughts about him not being mine and struggling to believe I had a baby.
I’ve been diagnosed with PND and am a couple of weeks into taking sertraline which is helping lift my mood. I’m also on the waiting list for CBT.
But I guess what I’m really looking for is a bit of hope- that these feelings are normal, and that eventually (and hopefully soon) I will fall in love with my little boy and stop feeling so detached from this new reality.
Thank you everyone x

Hi Newmum, I wanted to share my experiences to give you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I felt very similar when my DD was born, I had a long induction followed by a rush to theatre (forceps in my case rather than CS, but with a full spinal so I didn't feel anything.) I also felt like I hadn't really given birth and couldn't connect the new baby to the beloved squirming creature of my pregnancy. I struggled to bond and felt like I was going through the motions, and to cut a long story short was admitted to a mother and baby unit with severe PND before she was three weeks old.

The MBU was not a scary place, but the experience of being surrounded by strangers (nurses and patients) gave me a strong sense of purpose that it was down to me to protect and look after DD. My love for her developed very slowly, but it was a few weeks later when another patient moved her dirty bottles and I felt so angry (how dare someone touch my baby's things!) that I realised how strong my instinct to care for her really was.

With ADs and CBT/compassion focused therapy in the MBU and back in the community after I was discharged, I slowly recovered and was discharged back to my GP before she was a year old. I am a stay at home mum to a now two year old, and she is my constant little friend and companion, I wouldn't be without her for anything. It really helps that she has grown into a little image of me - there's no doubting that she's mine, and the feeling of compassion for a mini-me is overwhelming.

Please be kind to yourself, take advantage of any offers of help you can get so that you can rest and take time for yourself, and remember that this is temporary, it WILL get better.

I think it's fairly common to feel that way in the circumstances. Dc1 was an emcs after 75 hours of back to back contractions, pushing and failed forceps. By that point I had no idea which way was up, let alone anything else. I thought he was a doll and then because my waters had been broken for 81 hours, off to NICU he went and I felt so helpless, like I was permanently in the way.

He's 3 now and has a baby sister but I still don't feel I "gave birth" to either of them (they were both emergency sections although my 2nd was much better experience). That's entirely my baggage though and the lovely doctor who delivered dc2 gave me a rather long lecture about that.

I spent the first couple of months expecting the door bell to ring and his "real mum" to be there and during that phase, I definitely struggled to bond because I was so afraid of loving him and then having him taken away. As he became a "proper" person, moving, nattering and no one turned up to collect him, I bonded. I think processing my feelings about his arrival also helped, I struggled with the fact that I couldn't "even give birth" so how could I do the hard bit, raising him.

With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say do everything you can yourself. I was too quick to let other people cuddle, play, hold, change him because I didn't want to love him in case I lost him. When I had to do those things, the bond came so much faster. Also if you can, go to baby groups. I've met so many lovely women through them and most had issues somewhere between trying to conceive, pregnancy and birth. A friend who felt similarly sings the praises of baby massage classes, might be worth a look if there are any near you.

It does get better, but there is no set time frame.

Where are you based, op? They have started a brand new service since September in Wales for exactly this kind of situation. I was one of the first "service users". If you're based in North Wales, insist from your gp/hv to get a referral for Rewind Therapy. It's only 3 sessions and changed everything!

Thanks for the replies- I’m in Manchester so sadly don’t think it’s available here!
Makes me feel better to feel that I’m not alone with these feelings.
A lot of the problem is that I expected the ‘rush of love’ and when it didn’t come, felt that I must be broken in some way

I second the suggestion to get out to baby groups as much as you can, this gets easier as they get older and nap less/have fewer feeds etc. It helps to structure the day and give you purpose - I'll get up and dressed if there's a group on at 9.30 or 10 etc.

You meet people going through the same things as you are with babies at the same stages, and realise what the baby's doing/ how you're feeling are normal. And you feel more human chatting at least once to another adult during the working day.

After I was discharged from the Mother and Baby Unit, my HV referred me for a Baby Massage course at the local children's centre, specifically for mums with MH problems - there might be something similar in your area? Also at this early stage I took DD to baby signing classes (more for the mums to have a chat at this age) and the pre-walkers baby sessions at the children's centre.

That said, take things at your own pace and don't feel under pressure to do more than you feel comfortable with at the moment.

Also at this early stage I took DD to baby signing classes (more for the mums to have a chat at this age)

Also this. I still have dc1's 1st signing certificate up (he can do over 125 signs now aged 3) and dc2 has been going from birth. Him being able to communicate his needs before he could talk really helped me, I didn't feel quite so helpless when I knew he wanted milk, a cuddle, his nappy changed etc.