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Parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to think that my Ds shouldn't change the days he has access to his DD

23 replies

Goodnan · 21/11/2018 14:53

Ds is separated from his wife, his DD is 4. He sees her twice a week, she is our only DG and we adore her.

He recently changed his access day so that he could go to a football match with new girlfriend and her family. ( trivial event in my eyes)

Now I think his DD should come first not his social events and he should not change the days except in a dire emergency.

I worry he is not putting her first, should he? I would. Is this the start of him messing our DG around

Thoughts appreciated

OP posts:

GemmeFatale · 21/11/2018 16:18

I think it’s between your son and his ex

Sirzy · 21/11/2018 16:20

I don’t think it’s any of your business.

If him and his ex are happy to have a flexible arrangement then that’s great and in everyone’s best interest

Rachelover40 · 21/11/2018 16:21

He may have asked his ex if it was OK with her. I don't think it matters if it's a one off, it could equally happen the other way around and he might be accommodating. If was a regular occurrence that's a different matter but either way, you really can't interfere.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting

NotANotMan · 21/11/2018 16:22

As a one off for a special occasion it's fine
It's also none of your business

Jaxtellerswife · 21/11/2018 16:22

Favours work both ways. If they can sort things amicably then great

SpottingTheZebras · 21/11/2018 16:23

Changing his access day to one that he, his exDW and DD are happy with is fine. It’s far better to permanently change it than to swap about at the last minute or miss days over something like a football game.

I agree that this doesn’t involve you and is between your DS and his exDW.

user1499173618 · 21/11/2018 16:23

This is really none of your business.

GlassSuppers · 21/11/2018 16:25

It's between the parents, nothing to do with you OP.
I suspect there is more to this story than what you have told us.

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 16:28

I really dislike my exh and father of my children.

If he wanted to swop days so he could attend an event with his girlfriend, I would be absolutely fine with it.

He would be the same. We swop where possible if one wants to do something.

It's called good co parenting and having a healthy relationship.

Yabu and it's non of your business.

TwistedStitch · 21/11/2018 16:31

It seems odd that you would be worried that he is going to start messing his child around just based on one swapped contact day. Is there more to this- does he have a habit of being flaky or letting his child down? If not it is strange that you would immediately jump to such negative conclusions based on this.

Ohyesiam · 21/11/2018 16:32

It’s not really your business is it op?

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 16:46

Is this the start of him messing our DG around

I thought there would be back story. But the op says, the above. 'The start', implies that this isn't something that happens alot. Surely she would mention that he has done it x amount if times recently.

Ceecee18 · 21/11/2018 20:15

He swapped it once. If his ex was fine with it then there's no problem. And even if there was a problem it wouldn't be anything to do with you anyway, you sound over involved.
Even if he does start to cancel time with her he's a grown adult, you can't police how he behaves.

Original poster

Goodnan · 21/11/2018 20:39

Yep, it isn't my business and I have to make the effort to keep out of it.

If he and his ex agree it it's between them.

I'm bitter about the OW, she was largely responsible for him leaving the marriage, so wherever he mentions her, for me my hackles go up, right now i don't think a lot of her, so when he says he wants to go with her and not see his baby i find it hard to keep cool.

I will have to swallow it i guess.

OP posts:

Notacluewhatthisis · 21/11/2018 20:53

Whatever the the circumstances of the split and the new girlfriend, it's not excusable to start assuming he doesn't care about his child.

He has not seen her, he has swopped his days. I can promise there will be times his ex wants to.

Besides which, your son is more responsible for this situation.

user1493413286 · 22/11/2018 06:30

The ow wasn’t responsible for him leaving his marriage; he was responsible.
One of the things that works well with DSD is that DH and DSDs mum happily swap around days so that either of them can do things or DSD can do things with different sides of the family.
I appreciate that you can’t make yourself like her but if you take away the fact that she’s the other woman would you still not like her? I just ask because if they stay together and have children of their own it’ll be a difficult future for you all

PeonyTruffle · 22/11/2018 06:39

We change our access days with DH's ex sometimes as does she. Not a big deal.....

Cauliflowersqueeze · 22/11/2018 06:44

It was your DS who was responsible - he was in the contract of marriage and strayed. The blame is with him not the OW.

I would be doing everything I could to ensure that the woman who is spending lots of time with my DGC has a good relationship with me. Why would you want your DGC exposed to yet another tense broken relationship?

Fuckimdoingaphd · 22/11/2018 06:53

The OW wasn’t responsible for him leaving the marriage. That’s on him. He’s the person who dipped his wick elsewhere.

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/11/2018 07:28

I don’t know why you are getting so much grief Op. I think it is good you are interested. My ex behaved awfully and I always wished his parents would give him a good talking to! I couldn’t understand how someone surrounded by decent people could behave so badly (avoiding paying maintenance etc) and not be pulled up on it by anyone.

I think parents should stay involved, navigating a relationship separation is hard and we need the wisdom of other adults to steer us to behave well.

I also think it is a slightly crappy reason to change contact times. My children love the stability of knowing whether it is a “daddy day” or not. And my DP just fits his social life around his contact days with children, he doesn’t expect his contact days to move to accommodate his social life.

Original poster

Goodnan · 22/11/2018 08:34

Thanks @NeverTwerkNaked, grief seems par for the course seeing i asked "thoughts appreciated".

OP posts:

Witchofzog · 22/11/2018 08:38

There is so much wrong with your post. He can change his access day providing he and his ex are happy with this as many times as he wants. As long as he still sees his dd the same amount of time then this is none of your business.

And it was your son who broke the marriage up not the other woman. No one can make someone have an affair unless they are willing. Don't be one of those women who blame everything on the ow.

TwistedStitch · 22/11/2018 08:54

Actually OP, seeing the back story is an affair and the girlfriend being the OW, I can understand your worries. You probably didn't think your son would ever behave like that towards his family so it's not a stretch to be concerned he will let his daughter down further. This isn't happening against a backdrop of mutual, amiable separation and he should be doing everything he can to prioritise his child IMO.

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