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I'm not sure what to do

3 replies

busybee114 · 20/11/2018 13:07

6 months ago I came out of a 9 year relationship. My ex was a very manipulating man, he basically controlled my money,checked my social media, monitored when I left the house and checked my phone regularly but had no interest in doing things with me and our 2 young children. When he knew I had no money he would try and pay me for sexual favours (the man repulsed me so we didn't have sex often). I felt trapped with him until I was able to go back to work and then I built up the courage to tell him I didn't love him. Not long after I told him that he forced me to have sex with him one night, I was crying and asking him to stop but he carried on. He acknowledged what he'd done after and apologised but has since brushed it under the table. For the next few months while I was trying to sort a way to leave the house with the children he acted like someone possessed and followed me, put tracking apps on my phone and gps tracker on my car, he assaulted me one night and smashed my phone, kept me up till the early hours of the morning trying to brainwash me into staying. He once questioned me while holding my pulse on my wrist in the middle of the night. I actually thought he might kill me in my sleep at one point. Since I have left the house he has reinvented himself as a super dad (he was a rubbish dad when we lived together and did nothing with the children). He has the children 10 nights a month, which includes every other weekend. I feel this is more than enough and would prefer it to be just 2 nights a week the children have more stability at home. He now has a girlfriend of 4 months that he's insisting can have the children when he's at work and he wants to have the children at least 12 nights a month if not more!
I don't know what to do! I hate this man but I don't want to stop the children seeing him. I feel like I should go to the police with what he's done to me but feel like they won't believe me and it's been too long to report it. Does anyone have any advice please

OP posts:
mumontherun14 · 20/11/2018 14:24

Hi. oh my goodness you poor love - I didn't want to read and not reply you sound as if you've had an awful time.

Firstly he sounds awful and I would say you have been subjected to rape and domestic/emotional abuse so I think the police would take you very seriously if you did go to them and would get you help.
There will be womens domestic abuse chariities which will have helplines could you call them and get some advice on your rights and access for the children etc.

I understand if he is controlling you may find it hard to say no to him but that could put you and children at risk. 12 nights a month sounds excessive and I would have concerns over a girlfriend looking after them if he isn't there.

I think if you get some legal advice you can get an access agreement sorted which would state he would have to be with the children if he has them. I am sorry I am not an expert but I think if you can get some advice from the right people then that would really help you.

I know a friend of a friend in a similar situation and she did get the police involved when her DH hit her in front of her DD which led to court action and the judge set very strict conditions for the access for the father. His mother always had to be there with him and it was short visits a few times a month. If he didn't comply then the visits were stopped. It is for protection for you and also for the children
Sending a big hugxxxxx

Fabaunt · 20/11/2018 16:31

You poor thing. Well done on getting out. Absolutely go to the police and tell them what you have told us. Seek the support of diametric violence services in your local area and avail of any councelling they may offer you. I would also be going to court to try and get an official access plan drawn up by a judge. I would be reluctant to let him bully you into giving the kids over more than what is required considering he didn’t seem to have much time for them before now, and I would be wary of him using the kids to continue to try manipulate and control you. Access is fine but if they were my kids I’d want the judge to know what type of man he was before granting access.

busybee114 · 20/11/2018 20:41

Thank you for your advice. I think I just find it hard to believe I am actually in this situation sometimes. I just want to take control of things now and do what's best for the children. Xx

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