coparenting - am i being unreasonable?

[slinkymalinkey]

I am a single parent of a 5 year old daughter. Her father and I had a very brief fling and were never in a relationship. It was over before I even found out I was pregnant. While he was clear from the beginning that he did not want to be a family of try to make it work with me, (upsetting at first but completely fine with that now and I am not interested in him romantically at all) he was happy to be a dad and has developed a great relationship with her. He has been reliable and consistent from the beginning and is brilliant with her. They have a great time when he sees her which is every other weekend. He lives about one hour away from us and picks her up and drops her home (4-5 hours driving for him) two weekends per month. He has always let me lead but is also helpful and accommodating so its worked out really well so far and we are generally on the same page with everything. My issue is that now I would like to move - out of London. I have explored many different avenues over the last two years and have actually had two house moves nearby where I am now fall through on the day of exchange. I have been wanting to move out of London for a while but have been deliberating. Its a big decision leaving my friends and family but I have now found somewhere an hour out of London, and 1hour 45 mins (95 miles) away from him. I wouldn't go too far from him or my family but feel that Im still within a reasonable distance. Bearing in mind he is already 41 miles away and I am responsible for our daughter 85% of the time I think its fair enough that I do what I think is right for us. Im in my mid forties and it feels important to think about the next chapter. I would like fresh air, a mellower pace and I think our quality of life will be better. I have promised to meet him half way one weekend a month, and also spend one weekend a month with my parents so he can pick her up and drop her back there which is 25 miles from him. However he is very upset and now I am wondering if I am being very unreasonable or should I just accept it will be a period of transition and give us all time to adjust? Anyone had a similar experience? Thanks for reading and any constructive or helpful comments would be appreciated.

What a refreshingly fair, even handed post. The two of you have done brilliantly making things work. I can understand his upset but you are the primary career and the move is in both your interests. Yes it will impact on him and DD re travelling time but you are being more than reasonable offering to share the driving. I wouldn't commit to one weekend a month with your parents. I doubt you'll be able to keep it up long term and this will then create conflict. Keep the option of your parents ad hoc and offer to share travel time on all of his weekends.

Thank you for your response shallichangemyname :) That's really helpful and very encouraging x

It sounds fair to me. Could you offer regular Skype or similar to give them some extra time too?

So you are offering two weekends a month, with no mid week (he doesn't have this at the moment?), what are your plans for school holidays + Christmas etc.?

It's been a mutual arrangement so far. Early on he used to visit every Sunday but after a while found it too much money/time alongside full time work and so the twice monthly thing was the arrangement that works for him. He lives a bit far to come mid week...if he lived nearer I'm sure he would visit more often. It's pretty flexible in that sometimes he will have her two weekends in a row or two nights instead of one. He said something about perhaps he could have her for a week in the holidays so that might be an option although I'm not mad about the idea at the moment. But I know I have to compromise and value their relationship though so maybe that's what will happen if she is happy with that. Skype is a good idea...we tried to do that a bit more this year but it seems to have fallen by the wayside.

Why do you have to move so far away? Is there any particular reason for choosing that town/area? Have you got a job there, or some connections? It would be so much easier, if you've got to move, to move closer to DC's dad, surely?

I think if he wants extended holiday visits, that is entirely reasonable. At 5 she is old enough and he has shown his commitment. It's a big thing letting her go but if he is a capable and interested parent it's the best thing for her - I always say to look on it as a break for you!