Parenting Adult Daughter and Relationship Worries

[Josie1970]

My daughter is 19 and currently in a relationship with a boy who has just joined the merchant navy. They have been together for 18 months. We have fought a lot over the last year as we found the new normal in our relationship - she used to tell me everything and now she doesn't. This is fine - I know this is normal. Sometimes she wants my opinion on things and sometimes she doesn't.

Anyway, when her boyfriend got his job in Merchant Navy back in July, I suggested this might not be a relationship she would want to pursue. She was having none of it - she said she wanted to stay with him and would see what the future holds. All I saw was her getting further invested in this relationship and then ending up heartbroken when he goes to sea.

She went off to Uni and her boyfriend is at marine college in the so they have been able to see a lot of each other between September and now. He goes off for his first stint at sea just after Christmas. She is now having doubts.

We love her boyfriend and the whole family is very fond of him - he is now part of our family. But I totally understand my daughter's concerns around the time spent apart. He will be away for 4 months but then back at college for 8 months before his next stint away at sea. From then on it is 8 months away in a year and 4 months at home. I don't think this is a great life for our daughter but we have to respect her decision.
I feel it is now too soon to him going to sea for her to break up with him. It will be hard enough for him going to sea without a broken heart so I don't think she should break up with him. She is asking me what she should do? I said it has to be her decision but why doesn't she see how things go when he is at sea? It might not be as bad as she is expecting?

Just see how things play out. It might be okay, it might be awful but at least they know themselves. Sometimes absense makes the heart grow fonder and sometimes it gives us the space to see what we really want

Hi I think that in these types of situations it is best to see how it goes. Having him go away will make her self sufficient and to show life does not all rely on your other half being there in your pocket every day. It’ll give her the chance to go out with friends and pursue their own interests. If they are strong enough to live through the absences they can face Anything (though they are young; this will show if they’re both in it for the long haul. A FYI, my BIL was in the merchant navy and over time they can eventually move to ferries. My BIL does 2 weeks on and 2-3 weeks off. He could’ve moved to an office job but he turned it down. His heart was not in doing a job that wasn’t sitting at a desk all day.

I am so glad I found this thread. My daughter is in exactly the same position. She is at Uni and her boyfriend is at Marine College. They have such a lovely relationship and we think such a lot of her boyfriend. They have both decided they want to make it work whilst during the sea phases and they have talked about it and ways in which they can make it work. My daughter is really great and will support her boyfriend doing a job he really loves. I guess it is only after they have tried it that they know whether it will work but they are committed to giving it a go. Time will tell and if they are meant to be together then they will work it out.