Being a dad.

[Htfc1984]

Hope I've put this in the right section as it's my first post.

I've got a 1 year old daughter, I'm embarrassed to say I feel a terrible dad. I don't want to bore you all with my life story but I've had some bad times growing up and also I had a rough time a few years ago which my wife supported me through.
I really find been a dad doesn't come natural. Me and my wife have a decent life. Both decent jobs and generally speaking spare money a month.

My wife works shifts and I'm just a Mon-Fri. So this weekend for example wife working sat and sun from 0730-2000 so I've got little one from her first eyes opening until they close and I really struggle. My wife has a good social life, I don't. so I get very little help from friends or family. I also feel like I'm becoming 'ill' again like a few years ago. Sorry to ramble on, I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

You say that you have little help from friends and family. Have you asked or said that you are struggling? They may not be aware that you are having issues. My partner is a shift worker (night's this weekend) so I'm organised to go round to family tomorrow. They are usually good to help entertain my daughter and often take her for a walk so I can get a kip. None of that would have happened if I didn't ask.
Try and get some support in case you do get ill again, being stressed with the wee one won't help with that either.
Don't worry you aren't a bad father, just exhausted like the rest of us parents!

Totally agree with telling people you are finding this hard, people won’t know unless you say. Definitely organise some time with friends and family, as suggested. Looking after little ones can be tough and it helps if you can see people you like in the day.

Have you got anything planned for the two days? Some people find getting out helps. Our local Children’s Centre has a Messy okay session on a Saturday morning, there’s a free session at the library and you could just take her for a long walk

If you feel that your Mental ahealth is deteriorating, are you doing anything to help stop the slip? You can self refer for talking therapies I many areas, then there’s guided meditation (plenty of apps and YouTube for that), yoga, exercise and eating well will all help.

It might be worth ringing Family Lives and have you looked at Dadsnet?

I'm not that close to my family and my in laws are great with her. Mother in law retired to look after the little one to save on childcare costs so as she has little one a fair bits during weeks I don't like to disturb them on weekends. I'd love to take her to some groups but I really really lack confidence to turn upto something like that on my own. In regards to my health I regularly email my previous Councillor just for a little boost when I need it. I'm also trying to do the methods he taught me but I still find it hard. Working long, unpredictable hours and lack of sleep really is taking its toll. Thank you for the replies.

Definitely make the leap and go to some groups, you may lack confidence but these groups are usually very welcoming! Having your kid there make a small talk much easier too. Challenge yourself and go to one, otherwise you're just going to continue having the same problem getting more and more down.

I think a lot of us struggle to go to groups, I read on here that it’s a goid idea to look on the other parents as colleagues, some you’ll like, others you may not but you’ve all got something in common and that’s being a parent.

If you’re not confident enough for groups yet, how about taking her to tge park in the morning? Wrap her up warm and maybe take her to a coffee shop after for a snack?

Some other things that might help are putting down the devices after 9pm. Trying to get to bed early, say like 10 pm and making a start on building a social life.

I've come off Facebook and only check twitter for football related news once a day now. Crazy how social media can control your life at times. I do occasionally take her to my local Costa, unfortunately she isn't the easiest child and won't sit long enough for me to finish a drink. I think that's where my fear of group things has come from. Confrontation in places with others when they comment about a baby acting like a baby. Me and wife alway say she's defo put us off another and typical that our 1st is a nightmare (at times)! I really do need to bite the bullet and go to a group with others in a similar situation. I'm in West yorks area if anyone knows of anything. Thanks.

it sounds like your feeling lonely. being a parent on your own at home with a baby is lonely but i also find groups really hard. sometimes its really relentless and you need some headspace.

this might not be the sort of answer you are looking for but i have found that recently my one year old is getting bored of toys and more into 'sensory' play and shuffling around random things like:

• putting playing cards from one cooking pot into another (will keep her quiet for ages)
• putting her in an open underbed storage box with a bowl full of rice crispies and a spoon and another bowl and shell spend ages trying to scoop from one bowl to another or throwing the rice crispies around (again, this keeps her busy and me sane)
• putting a load of plastic toy animals in a washing up bowl full of soap bubbles

all of this stuff keeps her busy and quiet..needs little intervention from me and gives me some head space. and to be honest, doesn't take too much time to clean up

those are just some practical things until you build up the confidence to ask for help or to head to the park/groups

When you say she’s not the easiest child, what do you mean? Have you got much experience of other babies?

Bmachine I really like your play ideas and will try them out with my 1 yr old. The underbed storage thing is a great idea!

Htfc please do try the baby groups, I’m alone a lot with my son due to husbands work patterns and they are a godsend. At this age I think the ones with unstructured play are fun. Think big church hall full of toys and kids careering around. They only cost a pound or two and you generally get drinks/snacks thrown in. Everyone is in the same boat and is open to chat and making friends. If you are feeling shy you can just play with your kid and push them round on ride on toys or help them build something or explore the room.

There is an app called Hoop that allows you to search for groups in your area each day, but a good tip is to check the websites or Facebook pages of local churches in your area to see if they run a baby group. Once you are there you can ask the others what other groups are worth checking out. It can be tricky planning a day round nap schedules but sometimes it’s worth stretching them out an hour so you can get out of the house and break up your day a bit.

Swimming lessons are good if you can find some close by, there is minimal interaction with the other parents I find, so there’s no pressure to think of things to say.

You could check out whether there is a Who Let the Dads Out group in your area, they have weekend groups all round the country aimed at Dads and you get a bacon butty,

I've changed my username..

Thank you all for the replies. I am going to look at some groups definitely.

When I say she's awkward I mean she is very clingy, difficult to get to sleep. Can be sat for 2/3 hours every night trying to get her to sleep. She will only nap if driven in the car. She had reflux when younger, always had problems with her feeding. Even more so now. She is the fussiest eater ever known! Every meal time is a battle to try get her to eat something. We must waste a fortune everyday trying new things for her. Admittedly her teeth are driving her mad now at 13 months old.

I do have sort of experience with children. My bro has 3 girls (24,21,18) my sis has 2 girls (14,10) I'm 34. I've never been keen on kids though so always stayed out the way. Having my own I was always kind of if it happens then great if it doesn't then great. I adore my little one and wouldn't be without her... Its just bloody hard!!

Well I think you sound like you are doing well considering the lack of sleep and being on your own for long days at a time ! Sleep deprivation takes its toll big style ! Does she nap in the day ? If not then could you try to build in a quiet time after a long walk or trip to the park? Put her down to rest in her bed even if she doesn't sleep or snuggle her up on the on the sofa. Put something on the tv for you or have a doze to break up the day. I think at that age they are like dogs and need loads of exercise to wear them out !

Lack of sleep is awful. My advice, and the only thing that kept me slightly sane, was to get out of the house. Shops, beach, park, soft play, woods, anywhere.

Parcel the day into manageable chunks and get out of the house.

I know exactly what you mean OP. My daughter was haaard work at that age and it can feel a bit isolating when you don't have much of a support system in place.

Like other posters have suggested, getting out and about every day saved my sanity. Wrap up warm and get out to a park or something . My DD loved the autumn leaves at that age. Lots of sensory activities (google for ideas). One of the only things that kept DD amused for more than two minutes at that age was a bowl of water and various cups and stuff.

But try for some groups if you feel brave enough. They are not nearly as judgey as we might think. In our area they have dad groups on a sat so they might be one of those local to you if that would make you feel more comfortable. Soft play with a baby area?

It's soooo different when the DC can TELL you what they want and you can discuss what to do - park/ walk the dog/ get the bus into town/ visit the seaside etc etc etc. A whole world away from where you are now, 1 year olds are hard. I took my babies out every day for long walks in the buggy or pram - it usually gave me a breathing space.

There's a phrase:

"Nobody dead, everybody fed" which is worth remembering. Basically if baby safe and fed you're doing fine!

It takes practice and is a huge adjustment for anyone becoming a parent.

I'm the eldest sibling of 3, eldest cousin of a shit load (that's a technical term honest 😉) and I'd been looking after other people's kids solo for 14 years by the time I had dd inc as a nanny!

First time I was home alone with her? Fucking terrified! I was sleep deprived, recovering from cs, and had to run an errand so having to take her 😱 outside to the big bad world alone too!

You can do this. Depending where you live you may even find there's dad & baby groups near you. Google but also go on sites like meetup, ask on here in local pages and check out Facebook groups/events (if you do that FB will tell you if anyone you know is going!) many cinemas also have baby viewings so grown ups can go see films with babe in arms.

Even the dreaded soft play.

If you prefer not to be on FB yourself could your partner check for you?

She doesn't actually sound difficult she sounds normal, but as you've little experience I can appreciate you may not get that. Plus sleep deprivation and stress can make things 100 times worse.

What is her routine? Are you sticking to it when your partner isn't around?

It sounds like maybe the sleep routine you're trying isn't working for her. If your partner is similarly inexperienced definitely recommend mn to her.

Many on here have been through the whole gamut of parenting challenged and can steer in the right direction.

Yeah we always get out the house.. Sometimes I just drive to local coffee drive thru for a coffee and drive so little one gets a nap as she won't nap in house anymore. She's just soo busy wanting to play etc so sat cuddling up trying to get her to nod usual ends up a battle. I walked hour and half yesterday afternoon to try get her to have a afternoon nap.. No chance. I must say through this my wife is excellent with her. She's taken to motherhood much easier than I have fatherhood. She does most of the childcare when she's off work as she knows I work unpredictable hours and need some rest. She's a natural parent. she's also very close to her mum and best friend helps her out a bit. Little one been awake this morning since 5 already. It's crazy how much energy she has to say she barely eats and has 8-10 hours a day sleep!!

Going to groups is easier than going to somewhere like Costa though as they are all geared towards children with craft activities and toys and things and it won't matter if she is noisy. A couple of churches near me run Saturday groups specifically for dads which might be less daunting than a room full of mums. One even offers bacon sarnies!

More good activities are poking paper straws or pipe cleaners through the holes in until upturned colander or sticking raw spaghetti into a lump of play dough then theading penne pasta or Cheerios onto it. Sticking also goes down well but at one she will need more help with that. Collect leaves and make a collage? Playing with shaving foam is fun - do not in an empty bath with no clothes on - easy to clean up.
What about soft play?

Yeah I stick to the routine as much as possible. Bedtime is so frustrating as she is shattered. Eye running, yawning, cuddling her fave bunny toy, has her milk then nods.. Some nights are ok but others you can put her down 10 times and soon as he head touches her mattress she's wide awake laughing again!

Have you warmer her cot/bed before putting her in it? Sometimes the cold can startle them awake my mum suggested a hot water bottle in cot half hour before you put them down, whip out the hot water bottle, place (swaddled?) baby in cot.

You may also want to consider the lighting and noise levels in her room.

Not necessarily dark & quiet.

Sometimes a little soothing light and enough noise that they know they're not alone is good

😂 Paul, that’s all normal. Children are hard work. It’ll get easier, then just when you think you’ve nailed it, it’ll all go pear shaped again (think sleep/food/clingyness etc).
She’s a baby, you can’t expect to have the same type of interaction and responsiveness as from an adult. She also doesn’t take many decisions either, in spite of what you think.
Worst of all is the complete lack of headspace, you can’t relax and take your eyes off the child for one second. Do not trust the silence, FEAR the silence, it’s never a good sign.

I’m one of the parents who likes routine. You might not be, and that’s ok too.
Stuff like having an empty dishwasher in the morning is vital. You chuck everything in there throughout the day, you hide the mess.
At this age they go through clothes like nobody’s business, small loads and then straight in the tumble dryer.
Place baby wipes everywhere, handy.

The rest is chaos.
The only way I could have a coffee in peace was if I put her in the buggy and I was walking at the same time as sipping my coffee. It took 10 years for me to go to the toilet unintrerupted, and even now she’s a teen, it’s a bit hit and miss, she’ll still talk to me through the door. They have a 6th sense!

Now, in all seriousness, you need to try and carve some time for yourself. Do you run? If not, I recommend C25K app, and go for a run with her in the buggy.
Get one of those rucsacks with a chair, and go for hikes.
Saturdays and Sundays there hardly any mums with their kids in the leisure pool, it’s normally Dads, go for a splash.
2-3h to get her to sleep is a bit mad. All kids are different and parenting styles are varied, try what works best for you, but I wouldn’t entertain 2-3h. Someone with more recent experience might come along and suggest methods, what I did was bath her, feed her milk in her room, brush her teeth/gums, read her a story, soft light, put her in her cot, one hand on her chest, sing softly for a bit then leave. I came back in the room if she cried, but didn’t pick her up, I would just whisper mummy is here, place my hand on her, wait for her to settle and then leave.
Hope that helps.

You say you are in West Yorks. Is Mirfield anywhere near you? Google a place called Babyccino's. They have a facebook page too. It's a new coffee shop for parents. They have a small play area and their food is delicious. It was set up by a dad - all the staff are wonderfully welcoming. There are probably little gems like this all over, it's just a case of finding them.

My husband works most weekends too and I've got two kids to entertain. It's hard but you can do it. Hang in there!

Yeah I'm near Mirfield and I've been to babyccinos. I wasn't a big fan. Admittedly we went not long after 1st opening. I've looked on local pages on here but doesn't seem too upto date. Will have a Google later and or reactivate Facebook to have a look to see what I can do next weekend as wife working both days again!

I'm really surprised at that. Every time I've been the staff have gone out of their way to help - even holding my screaming baby.

There is also Wiggles in Idle, Little Daisy's in Shipley, Tumbles in Cleckheaton, Timmy Tigers in Heckmondwike. All smaller scale soft play type places where you can let the little one run wild while you chill for a bit.

If she’s teething, what are you giving her for the pain? I found Ibruprofen and a teething gel like Dentinox helped both of mine. Give the Ibruprofen about half an hour before dinner and apply the teething gel just before she eats.

Have you ever got to the bottom of what caused the reflux? Reflux is more of a symptom than a diagnosis. Does she have something like Tongue tie or CMPA?

If you are worried about how much she’s eating, is she following her centiles? How much milk is she having in 24 hours?

As for sleep, there’s some advice in Get your baby to sleep and the No Cry Sleep Solution helped us when our eldest was around the same age. It even has a section on early waking.

Agree with the others though, take her for long walks, runs, swimming etc in the morning and google some activities to do at home with her, you can do this