I’m an accidental attachment parent and it’s driving me crazy!!

[CocoDeMoll]

I feel like I’ve been sold down the river by people saying it makes a healthy independent baby. My ds is now 7 months and won’t be put down ever. I am carrying him all day and co sleeping all night plus every nap. If I don’t he wakes up with 20 minutes and howls until he’s on the boob. He then stays attached to them all night.

I love breastfeeding and wouldn’t change that for anything but I never planned to parent like this. I just did it because it was easier as I’ve got an older dd and not loads of support at home. I’ve just finished a manic creep downstairs as both dcs asleep to tidy and sort a quick dinner, and do a pack up etc before hearing him and racing back upstairs.

Now I don’t know if ds is ever going to be able to be put down awake or asleep. Help please.

He’s only 7 months. Personally at this age I was doing the same and couldn’t see any other way. It’s just what babies need.

When my DS was night weaned he slept through in his own bed naturally. I waited until he was 2 to do this, but there are obviously other options with weaning.

- because it is bloody hard work though!

How did you manage to keep a clean house etc?

It's hard and I feel your pain. My baby was exactly like that at around 6 months old. At some point I had to carry him in a baby carrier when using the toilet. And whenever I took a shower, he would cry until my husband took him to see me.
From about one year old, however, he could go to sleep calmly and independently in his cot. I didn't force him or train him to do that. I just put him down when he was in a good mood, say good night and leave, and I would return as soon as he wails. However, recently he has regressed to wanting me to stay next to his cot every evening (he's 17 months now and we sleep in the same room.)
I believe one day he will not want to be cuddled and kissed so often and I will miss the time when we are almost inseparable.

I would try not to stress too much that how you're parenting has somehow 'caused' your baby to be high needs. It's very likely the other way around. You got a high needs baby and you've adapted your parenting to suit.

We've followed an AP style with both of ours (by that, I don't mean we went out trying to adhere to a set of rules, but we just always planned to babywear and bedshare and feed to sleep if that worked, etc. because it made the most sense and seemed easier). Our first was pretty high needs and couldn't be put down and slept with us until she was 3. We parented our 2nd the same exact way. Except he's a very different baby. He's very chill, is happy to be put down, has slept well from very early on (some nights we bedshare, some nights he sleeps in his own room, it doesn't really make much difference, except saves me the hassle of walking down the hall when I keep him with us). How we've parented isn't what made the difference, we just got two very different babies.

My friend had the opposite experience. She took a very 'Gina Ford' strict routine style approach. Her first was an easy, laidback baby, so she thought she'd done something 'right' by the approach she took or knew some secret that the rest of us didn't. But then she had her second and it was a nightmare and she really struggled because she wasn't a laidback easy baby who could just be put down or who would sleep through the night. So I'd do what works. If co-sleeping and feeding to sleep means you get more sleep while it's really freaking hard (and the time from about 6-12 months, I think, it the hardest bit), then do it and don't worry too much about it. Fwiw, my high needs 1st one, who had to be fed and held to sleep every night, suddenly at 11 months just started to fall asleep on her own in her cot without us really doing much.

My eldest daughter needed held, fed to sleep and carried a lot through the day. Eventually she could go in cot and fall asleep with someone holding her hand and then eventually could be put sown awake and left to fall asleep. Just take advantage of any short time they’re happy to be put down and it’ll change eventually.
My second daughter quite different although generally fed to sleep still as only 5 months old. Its probably a personality thing and nothing that you’ve done.

Yes I agree with mindutopia. If you really think about it, what could you have done differently that wouldn’t have caused all kinds of stress for everyone? I bet you’ve really just adapted to what your baby needs and that’s great...for the baby at least!

I found it frustrating with my second baby too. We kept trying things to help (DH trying a bottle at night etc etc etc) and if it didn’t work, we’d forget it for a while then try again until it did!

Don’t feel bad about feeling cross about it sometimes either. Having a small thing attached to you all the time isn’t something to be 'enjoyed' 24/7 IMO. I found it especially sad when I couldn’t spend time with DS1 but I think you just have to ride it out.

Don’t doubt yourself, it’s a waste of energy

Do you have a partner? Because that's how I keep a clean house. I co/sleep. He sorts the house

This happened to me too so I feel your pain OP, my ds2 was like this, he is 5 now and is still the clingiest child ever. Hope things change for you soon. It had a bad effect on my mental health.

Mine is 9mo and is a Velcro baby. He likes to be held and carried. He won’t sleep unless he’s in my arms with a breast in his mouth. He won’t sleep by himself and insists on co sleeping. Previously if I put him down he wailed. Now he’s learned to crawl and if I put him down he just crawls back to me. If I’ve gone into the kitchen he follows me. Recently he will (sometimes) play independently on the floor as long as he can see me, so perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel? I don’t think it’s my fault though, I (and you) just have a high needs baby.

Ahh thanks for the Velcro baby solidarity . I think I’m just a bit jealous of my friends. I’m the only one breastfeeding and co sleeping and theve all been able to go out and have a bit of a life and I haven’t yet.

I do love the snuggles in bed with both my dc and I know really it’s such a short time.

It’s more the daytime that gets me. Any time he’s asleep happily without me is spent running round trying to sort out my shit tip!!!

I notice no one has an answer! I could have posted this except mine is 15 months. Also wants to be up and down all at the same time.
Am going slowly insane. She is so heavy too.
She does sometimes go off and play for a bit now...

There is no answer other than to suck it up and try to be grateful that you have a beautiful child. I’ve given up worrying about all the housework I haven’t done. Can’t even remember the last time I hoovered. As long as the cooking is done and the dishes are washed,the rest is optional and is a lower priority than my sanity and rest.

Tbh, I think you just have a Velcro baby and more than one! I have 5 and the house is just getting better now the youngest is 3. It’s still no show home. I decided all fed not dead (basically a level of tidy that wasn’t a health hazard and no more) was enough for a phase. It’s not forever

I don’t think it’s because of your parenting choices so don’t beat yourself up - with your 2nd, it’s just very different, you just need to do what it takes to get through! Do you have a decent sling/ baby carrier? My DS basically lived in the carrier during the day so that I had my hands free for other things.

My 2nd was like this. You're doing a fab job. Well done.

Mine lived in the moby wrap. Only way I could get on with life.

Good luck.

Lower your standards for house cleaning 🙂 Or if you can afford it, get a cleaning company in.

Thanks for all the responses.

I don’t think I could lower my cleaning standards much more . I’m not high maintenance in that area but hate a messy kitchen or bathroom (the rest of the house can be a shit tip)!

Snuggling both dc on a chilly Sunday morning in bed doesn’t feel so bad really.