I'm out of sync with modern parenting and losing friends because of it ...

[Countingthegreyhairs]

Don't know if this should be under 'relationships' heading but it's about parenting styles really. It's a bit of a long one ...

I'm an older mother (43) with a nearly-4 dd. Therefore, most of my friends with young children are a decade or more younger than me (which is great!). The only thing is I'm finding it hard to negotiate these friendships as my parenting style is a bit rigid/old-fashioned and but I'm beginning to doubt whether I'm doing the right thing or not.

I have always given priority to regular sleep and meal times. It's a pain in the a**e frankly but I feel they are important. (And yes, this is getting less relevant as my dd grows up but am still trying for another so need to resolve this!). My dd still needs an afternoon sleep most days and is a good eater. Frequently though, I've received and turned down loads of invitations to go over to friends houses in the evening to eat (invitations which include the children and where it's suggested they play and then 'fall asleep on the sofa together') and also after-school activity invitations when (imo) my dd is too tired having had a long day.

My friends are starting to express their discontent at me being 'a stick in the mud' and too inflexible. I don't mind the odd summer evening where my dd stays up late on a special occasion, but these are regular occurences.

Am I being too precious? Perhaps this is a result of only having one child? Should I lighten up more? Thanks for any thoughts. I don't want to lose my friends over this.

I also agree re routines. Once you've got a fixed one, it's OK to break them. But I believe in having a fixed-ish one tbh, because my children like it, they like knowing what's comign next.

I don't approve of dozing off on sofas on school nights, it's a slatternly habit which should be confined to holiday time. Like drinking alcohol in the daytime for adults.

Hi there Countinggreyhairs! I am an older mum too (44), have DS 3.5 (going on 6) and DD 18 months;

Im sorry my friend, I do not understand why you are feeling so pressurised by your friends. From what you have said, you are doing a splendid job of doing what is right for YOU and your family. NOBODY has to bend or adjust to accommodate other peoples standards/trends/fashions/pace etc.

I do not believe there is black and white / right or wrong with parenting. Every household, mother, father, child is different. I adopt a policy of Needs must in our household and do not follow text book advice, or be swayed by other peoples ways of doing things.

This does not mean I do not ask for advice, or read parenting articles blah blah blah. I dont think I could survive without them. But at the end of the day, my own intelligence kicks in after weighing up the odds, coupled with experience and first hand knowledge...I then execute and carry out my own way of doing things. And I am very Strict (which I guess is a product and inheritance of my own upbringin).

I too do not go out. Not very much anyway. I cannot afford to tbh, with DS getting up before 6am EVERY piggin morning, I cannot function without good sleep. I have resigned myself to believing and accepting that these are the sacrificial years of parenting, where socialising becomes a very low priority. Of course, it does not mean that I do not go out, ever!!!! We all need fun, and we all need a break from our little ones and we need our friends.

But please, do not be upset, swayed or made to feel bad because you cannot keep up the pace of your younger friends. Oh yes, and that is key too. 'younger' friends. Like it or not my dear, we are older, and yes! we do get tired far more quickly and easier - thats just part of the getting old process - sorry! Dont beat yourself up. Im pretty sure if you explained these things to your friends they will understand, becasue if they dont....then heck! are they really friends anyway?

I'll be thinking of you, so you take care. Enjoy your family and set your own pace.

All the best. xxx

countinghairs, i am 33 with ds of 10 mo and i also like routines for him and for myself. most of my friends are the same thankfully. you do what is best for you and your dd.

interesting! I am an older mum (49) with a dd of 8 now. I am quite fixed on bedtime routine in the week but let it all go to pot at the weekend and in the holidays.
As dd has 2 bigger half siblings who come and go she is often alone here and very reliant on her circle of friends so I think I place a great deal of importance on her fitting in with them and their families' ways of doing things.

Mind you it annoys the hell out of me when we visit dh's family as they have no routines and assume their kids will go to bed when they are tired - well ours stay up until 1am and then are dead for days afterwards - and they try to feed our kids at ridculous times like 9 pm and there is no way mine can survive without dinner by 6.30 at the latest so I always have to ask for a snack at 6 and then feel a real pain for doing so. There's a limit to what snacks you can bring for a weekend and hide them in your room!!.

But on the flip side we have friends whose 8 year old still has to go up to bed at 7pm with 2 younger siblings and we feel that's a pain for play dates at the weekend with her. so I want it all really. Sorry too long apost

Feel reassured that I'm not the only one! (I was beginning to wonder there!)

But, at same time, will try and lighten up.

It's a difficult balance isn't it
(but isn't EVERTHING about parenting) ??!!

Sounds as if you have got it about right SKA,. Thxs for your post (not too long at all!)

Think you've hit the nail on the head, Wolfgirl, NickyTwoTimes, I'm not the most assertive person in the world & don't have much experience of raising children, just need to feel a bit more confident in doing things the way that suits my family and dd. As Morning Paper pointed out, it will all resolve itself in time.

Thanks everyone for posting - much appreciated!

There are vast swathes of parents though whose primary aim is to get the children to bed by 8 and then relax every night. You just don't have the right friends and it's not an age thing either. I know quite a few younger ones too.

No need to turn down the invitations however - get a babysitter at home and enjoy an evening off.

Hi counting the grey hairs (love your name btw) I am 9 years younger than you but know where you are coming from. Here in France children tend to stay up later but ours are in bed by 8pm and we have only done the letting the kids crash out thing for really special occasions eg weddings. Likewise naps are missed for special occasion eg carnaval but not for general socialising.
I will be a bit more flexible in a few years time but DCs are 4 and 2 at the moment and do not lie in after a late night so the following day is always really hideous as everyone is over tired.

have confidence in what you are doing - sounds good to me

Mother aged 51, dd 10.5 years

I've got friends (who I knew before children and we have children the same age) that I see every other week or so. The kids play, have tea and we bath them and put them in their PJs so they are ready for bed when we leave but we never leave later than 7.30 on a week night.

On a weekend, if we were invited to a friends, we would go when the kids got tired and that would be past their usual bedtime but it wouldn't be every weekend, just every once in a while.

If your DD needs a lot of sleep though, I wouldn't do it because everyone else thinks you should, you know your DD, there is plenty of time for all of this in the years to come

Yes, thanks again for the suggestions and confidence-boosting comments. That's the thing really, on the few occasions when we've tried it, it's always been counterproductive the next day in terms of our dd being tired and cranky. It's worth it for special occasions (Christmas etc) but surprisingly, she seems to sleep less well if she's over-tired than when she's in her usual routine. She always get's up at the same time in the morning as well, if not earlier! Will just have to negotiate this one carefully and stick to my guns without alienating my friends at the same time!

i dont think this is an age related issue.
stick with your parenting style. you know it works for youand your child.
personally i dont like the sleep on the sofa thing either. but it happens on weekends. i wont do it on a weekday though

I will only do the fall asleep at bedtime somewhere else for a very special occasion, not just any old play date. I'm only 30 and I think regular bedtimes/mealtimes are essential, DD2's nap always gets in the way of stuff that I might like to do, and is a bugge to fit in around DD1's playschool drop and pick up, but I try to keep it regular as poss, or they're all over the place.
Am so of nap and bedtime. DD1 has always been a door mouse til she was 3. Noew if she even has 15 mins in the day she will be up and down at bed time, driving me nuts.

OP - I am 33 and I do pretty much what you do, my ds is now 2 and there are probably only 6 occassions where he hasn't been in bed by 7-7.30pm, and there have been no nights later than 10pm. I find sticking to this routine has made him much more stable in everyday life. I too have turned down lots of invites but I would rather have a child that sleeps and eats and behaves well 99% of the time than to go out for casual invites all the time. Don't get me wrong, we still go out, we just get a babysitter

I agree with snowleopard. I am all for routine but because they do have and good routine it means that apart from the day after a late night, when they may be a bit grumpy, they fall back into routine very quickly. We don't do it every night, or every weekend, or even every fortnight (don't have many friends here yet ) but once in a while we do and it is fun. My kids love getting in the car in their pjs in the dark and going home.

Thanks mnetters, young and old!!
It's good to know it's not age related. It just must be this particular 'set' of people I know.

Don't want this to turn in to a sahm v wm issue, but I've observed that many of my friends who work full-time tend to keep their children up later. This is not an adverse criticism btw, I'm sure I'd do the same if I worked full-time, (am lucky enough just to be able to work 5 hrs a day, 4 days a week currently) so may be that has a bearing on it ... she says tentatively ... hoping against hope she hasn't offended either party ....

Would love to try out the pyjama in car thing - sounds like fun

Could be I am just ultra-sensitive about this because in addition, our closest friends don't have children and they are almost completely uncomprehending when it comes to maneouvring around a child's routine, so this has compounded the problem in my mind.

My cousin (who has 5 children under 6, x2 sets twins!!) p**s herself laughing when I whinge about this down the phone btw. She says she's lucky if the youngest EVER gets the opportunity for a proper nap/set meal time between runs to school, ballet lessons, football, supermarket etc etc