I've just done something very shameful :(

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Hi wise mums. This evening my DH and I got into a huge fight (which started with me asking for help and then escalated into the "I do more than you" war) and at some point what he was saying filled me with such rage that I hit him. I've never been a violent person in any relationship or in any way whatsoever and I'm really shocked and ashamed. Well, the one other solo incident was when I was pregnant and we were arguing, I threw a book at him (we were sitting next to each other and it landed in his lap) and I was mortified that I could do anything like that (it was a small paperback, just to be clear, not a massive heavyweight! But still, that's not the point). We both later put it down to pregnancy hormones.

Our LO is now six months and I've just returned to work, but I don't think it's right for me to just excuse this away. I feel like I don't know who I am after this evening! I'm a small woman so I didn't actually hurt him, but I feel that's beside the point. He called me a monster and I definitely feel like I am right now He called me out on it, saying I was abusing him and lumped the book incident with this one, saying I'm violent towards him, as if it were a repetitive occurrence. I was horrified with myself.

The strange thing is I don't feel like I've got postnatal depression. Yes, I've had ups and downs, as we all have, but this evening was more like an all-out rage.

Has anyone else experienced this? Do I need help? I tried to console myself but I sound like some horrible abuser making excuses for their horrible behaviour. What's happened to me?!

I'd say yeah. Not to be unkind to you. But I think we imagine domestic abusers start out wanting to hurt people

I disagree- I believe they begin abuse by justifying why they did it the first few times

I've been a victim of dv.

I wish my ex had been truly shocked enough the first time by his own behaviour and sought help for himself. He didn't... got in the habit of justifying it and it got much worse

I think the difference between an abuser and someone who made a mistake in anger is what happens next. An abuser won't make any real attempt to change, and so the behaviour will be repeated. Someone who has made a mistake and is determined it will never happen again would seek help and work on strategies to manage their anger.

I think you have crossed a line and need to take it as a clear sign something isn't right. Go to the gp and ask for help with anger management. Also look at your life and work out what does and doesn't make you happy and what causes you stress. If you can work on irradicating as much stress as possible, that should help.

You are abusive towards him. Your size has nothing to do with it. To be honest if he was my friend/brother/son I would be telling him to leave you, just like I would advise any woman to get away from an abusive partner. Sort your shit out, I wouldn’t trust you with a small child

There are 2 separate issues.

You abusing him physically.

Him abusing you emotionally.

You said you asked for help and it turned into a fight. How is he with pulling his weight? Does it often end in an argument when you ask him for help or to do something? Is the argument caused by him saying no and not helping, not being part of the team? Are you expected to do everything and just shut up?

No matter what he does, you can’t hit. You need a way to handle your anger. But that doesn’t mean you ignore his behaviour towards you.

Deal with each issue separately. Don’t blame him for you hitting; there is no excuse. But find a way to tell him why you are feeling so angry if he isn’t being part of the team.

Look if you seek help I don't think your a monster, you're a human and humans fuck up

If you massively apologise to him, sing and dance about how it won't ever happen again, make hundreds of promises and then never DO anything to acknowledge it's unacceptable, abusive and you need help and need to commit to making sure it doesn't happen again and making sure you get enough support to work through this - (NOT marriage counselling!) but something focusing on preventing your own behaviour... then I would judge you as a monster as you will do it again otherwise, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but you will otherwise

Well, you don't need to complicate the problem. Talk to each other and say sorry. We are not born perfect we all have flaws.

You are abusive towards him. Your size has nothing to do with it. To be honest if he was my friend/brother/son I would be telling him to leave you, just like I would advise any woman to get away from an abusive partner. Sort your shit out, I wouldn’t trust you with a small child

Very helpful.

OP, you're shocked and worried, and you can't understand the source of the behaviour. Once is one thing, twice is the start of a pattern.

You've reached out for help already here, which is a great start - now time to reach out to someone who really can help you in a meaningful and lasting way.

What your DH chooses to do is his call, but you can make a positive move by allowing this to be the start of an upward journey, rather than a shameful memory.

It is helpful. What would we say to a woman who came in here and told us her husband hit her? We would tell her to get out of there as quick as she possibly could and report it to the police. This is the second time she’s assaulted him and blamed the first time on pregnancy hormones. Would you trust her minding your child? I certainly wouldn’t.

Yes you need help.

You can't hit him and excuse it on the grounds of pregnancy/you're small.

If he isn't pulling his weight and you can't talk calmly to each other in a way to resolve that, it isn't a good relationship.

OP contact Relate and go with your DH.
It is abuse and you can't change the past but you can actively change the future

I know you’re upset but it is important that you acknowledge that you do need help and that the fact that you’re small, he’s a man, it was “only” twice etc is not something to hide behind.

Violent behaviour towards a family member is insidious. It’s not even the actual act - it’s the intention and the message. He is right despite all things to be very upset at you and to question your judgement and character, at this moment in time.

It’s also not fair to assume that he is emotionally abusive from OP’s post; people have genuine different perspectives and ideas on work loads especially when a first baby is thrown into the mix - it doesn’t mean that he is trying to abuse the OP. I’m not saying he’s not either; I’m saying from the OP you absolutely cannot assume that.

You do need to seek help OP. As another poster said, the difference between you being a manipulative abuser and being a good person who has made a mistake is what you do next - if you do not adress any of these issues properly, then you are setting yourself up to do this in the future and continue this pattern. If you are genuinely remorseful you will do something about it.

And yes actually, sadly if you were the other parent of my child I would fully be worried about your ability to parent them in a non abusive way - if you can’t control your anger towards a grown man I would worry how you would cope with a difficult and frustrating toddler :(

Please seek help. Children should not grow up in homes witnessing any degree of violence. It really isn’t normal.

What Iaim said.

It is wrong to lash out in anger. Now you need to examine the triggers for the anger.

at some point what he was saying filled me with such rage that I hit him

What was he saying - why did it fill you with rage? Do you feel listened to? Do you feel that you can discuss things and come to a resolution in your relationship? If not, why not?

Not victime blaming at all - your DH should not get hit by you EVEN IF he is being a complete shit. Because violence is not the answer. But why do your interactions end up here, that's what you need to find out in order to stop it happening.

What nosquirrels said

Erm I do think you need to look at issues in your relationship but no one would be asking a man what his wife had done to trigger him to hit her - they would be telling him he needs to seek help to sort out his own internal psychology and emotions in order to try and stop being abusive. And with regards to couples counselling, I think thats relevant too but don’t people usually advise that couples counselling will not deal with cases where there is physical abuse because the advice is usually to just get out?

I’m not saying you’re wrong to address “triggers” in your relationship but this really really shouldn’t take the focus off of the fact that the hitting it your problem and it is up to you to address that as a number 1 priority.

Thus is double standards.
MN doesn't condone violence of any kind. If you were a female poster saying you had been hit, you would be told to LTB.

I can understand how you were under pressure, and lashed out. A one off? But MN generally does not allow any violence.

Please don't go to couples counselling

Abuse is not a relationship problem

They shouldn't take you anyhow but obviously plenty of people fail to mention it and hide it from counselling

respectphoneline.org.uk

While abuse is happening, relationship counselling shouldn't happen

*There are 2 separate issues.

You abusing him physically.

Him abusing you emotionally*

This is absolutely right. Although MN does like to paint this as a black and white issue. It's not.

Abuse is about power and control. When men physically abuse women, they do so from position of power and control.

When women are physically violent towards men, it is usually (and I know there are rare exceptions) in response to being controlled and emotionally abused. (See the Sally Challen case, for example. She killed her husband but she was not the aggressor in their relationship.)

The OP does not have any power or control here. She is reacting to provocation from her husband, who is pushing her buttons in order to manipulate her.

What did he say to you to incite such rage, OP? I think it would be useful to understand that.

When my children were tiny and I was working full time as well as doing the lion's share of the shitwork, I can clearly recall a handful of times when I was so furious with my DH that I had to make a concentrated effort not to hurl something at him. I understand the impulse and it comes from a place of sheer frustration and the sense that you are being deliberately misunderstood and your words twisted to suit their agenda of preserving the status quo, where they do fuck all.

The bigger issue here is that you have no support. You have recognised that something in your relationship is obviously dysfunctional because of the way you're communicating with each other.

But be careful not to accept all of the blame. It sounds like your husband knows what he's doing and is manoeuvring you into the role of unreasonable monster and himself into the role of occupier of the moral high ground. To make sure that you continue to do all of the heavy lifting around the home as 'penance'.

We know the OP has been violent on 2 occasions in arguments

We know her dh has argued with her

We do not know that her dh is emotionally abusing her. He may be. But we do not know if he is from this OP. We know they had a row.

It is helpful. What would we say to a woman who came in here and told us her husband hit her? We would tell her to get out of there as quick as she possibly could and report it to the police.

Her DH isn't here though, is he? It's her asking, full of shame, and reaching out for help and support. What you gave her was a spiky mouthful of exactly what she's already feeling.

"Sorting her shit out" starts with asking for help, and she's just taken that step, in a small way, here.

You can either bash her back down or you can acknowledge her making the right move, however small, and then nudge her forward toward more help. Which do you think is more likely to stop any more behaviour like this?

Would you trust her minding your child? I certainly wouldn’t.

No, because I don't put my child in the care of people I've read one post from on the internet. But nobody's asking her to provide my childcare - she's asking for guidance on how to move forward.

When I was knackered and BF ds3 I got into a row with DH and threw an apple pie on a plate at him. It was pregnancy hormones and tiredness. I felt such rage towards him. The kids still remember it, it has gone down in family history.

I'd cut yourself some slack.

I've never done anything like that since and do not consider myself an abuser. Our relationship is fairly calm generally.

Sometimes adults behave badly. Apologise and move on. And don't do it again.

It's a bloody hard time

You have lashed out in as many months during an arguement probably out of frustration but that doesn't matter really you need to sort yourself out you are assaulting your husband get yourself to your GP or HV and ask to be signposted somewhere for help.

as if it were a repetitive occurrence

But it is. You've lashed out and been violent to him twice. Each time with an excuse.

A couple of weeks ago a woman on here was told to LTB when her husband threw a cake at her. You've hit yours, that's not okay at all.

How are you going to make sure you don't do it again? Why would he trust you? You'll always have an excuse as you've done when you've lost control before.

It's all very well feeling bad but you didn't feel bad enough the first time to make sure it never happened again. It's never a one off. I wish I'd known that and got the fuck out sooner than I did.

I don't want to derail the thread but I do think it's important to challenge the received MN wisdom that if a woman hits a man it's as bad as a man hitting a woman.

It's a dangerous false equivalent.

Power and control are the key words. Whoever has the power and control in a situation is the aggressor.

Power and control doesn't always manifest as physical violence. Coercive control and psychological abuse are insidious, to the point where they are now crimes in their own rights.

I agree, the OP hasn't given enough detail to really give an accurate picture of whether her DH is abusive, or just being argumentative.

If they are both truly on level footing in their relationship then it is more concerning that she is resorting to physical violence during arguments. In which case OP needs to stop immediately.

But I'd be interested to understand whether there's more going on here.

🤷‍♀️ I give up

This would be being handled completely different if it was a man who wrote the OP

I don't think it's helpful either way to paint domestic abusers as monsters as I think it's probably why lots never seek help to change... the stigma in acknowledging it is huge

But wtf with the cut yourself slack comments, and finding excuses for women to be violent

OnWeekends you are making absolutely huge assumptions WRT to the OP and her partners dynamic.

It would be interesting to hear from a reliable source on a wider scale of what proportion of women who are violent are acting so out of genuine abuse and coercion and those who are doing it out of their own iternal issues. Of course there is a difference, I imagine for men the proportion of me who are what we would consider abusive are so because they feel threatened by their partner, and I imagine for women the number of women who like you say do it because they feel abused themselves is much higher. But, that doesn’t mean there aren’t women who are abusive in their own right.

No one is abusibe because they are otherwise happy, emotionally healthy and functional people who just fancy manipulating, controlling and hurting there partner. No men, and no women. It is not okay to assume that the OP is justified in her actions.