How to develop a better bond with my 4 year old?

[Cheeseofftoast]

I had PND following DC1s birth. I believe it was caused by a lot of upheaval during pregnancy, pushy inlaws and an insensitive partner. DC1 looks nothing like me, I am dark and he is very fair, I questioned whether he was mine for a long, long time. I also had a lot of anxiety and fear around him as I had never been around babies previously.

I found him very difficult as a toddler and very different. He wouldn't cuddle much and seemed to be constantly talking. He still talks a lot and I find it very draining. He will cuddle now but always on his terms.

Ive had a second baby who is now 8 months old and I feel completely different around her. I bonded immediately and feel I completely 'get' her. This however has really highlighted the lack of bonding I have with DC1. He is a lovely, lovely boy but I fear there will always be a distance between us and I want to change that.

What can I do?

Ive been thinking about bed sharing again with him as a possible option? Particularly as I didnt when he was a baby due to my fear of suffocating him. I have however co-slept with DC2 at times with few worries and feel its helped a lot with bonding.

What else can I do? Is it too late? I feel so angry now that people were so pushy and unsupportive in the first place, I feel DC1 and I massively missed out on each other and now my in-laws get to enjoy him after they helped create this distance between us. He loves my inlaws and he often prefers their company over mine!

I really want to feel close to him, the way I do DC2. I thought we had bonded finally, but feeling the way I do about DC2, I know deep down that there is still that distance between us.

I don't think bed sharing is a good idea unless he's unhappy with the current arrangement and is asking to himself.

my weakness is not giving dd my full attention, whether I'm looking at my phone or just quickly tidying up while half my attention is on her.

perhaps you could try setting a timer for 20 mins and doing whatever he wants, 'stupid' imagination games, reading to him, silly dances, whatever.

I do the same. It would be a good start to try that.

At that age all he wants is your time, interaction and understanding. Show a genuine interest in the things he's interested in even if it's paw patrol, power rangers etc. Try taking him out with just the two of you to the zoo, aquarium for a McDonald's treat etc and just spend time together. All children are different but cuddles etc will always be on 'their terms'. A parent/child relationship is not an equal one and is something that will continue to change as he gets older.

Let DC1 feel how important he is in your life. Don't do such things that will destroy your image on him as his dad. Make time with him with all your presence with all your heart, do things that he is enjoying with. One thing, do not spoil him.

Show interest.
One on one time.
Read playful parenting.

Yes, this is a good idea. We never know when they will realize how they love us but as a parent, we must be patient and don't give up.

Do not bed share if he is happy sleeping on his own.
Talking a lot means he wants to connect with you and this is his way of communicating. Maybe he needs some attention specially after a newborn baby is taking some of that.
Give 1:1 time
Listen to him, talk to him.
He, like all other children, needs to feel seen, heard and wanted.
They notice even that the way you look at him is different
There is resentment and anger issues which I hope you could let go so you can enjoy your relationship with your family.

Maybe start a regular activity that's just for the two of you. I take my 3yo riding at the weekends... it's our time away from demanding babies and he talks about it all week, which is lovely.

You said he is about 4.
Just the right age for you too teach him to ride a bike...
Close contact and he has too trust you.
Baking cakes is good two...
He gets to stand on a chair too help...
When done you have a tea party.